Photos and text by Gabrielle.
I get emails about choosing a school all the time, and I’ve had a draft of this post written up for a full year! But I’ve hesitated to publish this because it’s such a stressful topic for so many people, and I don’t want to inadvertently add to anyone’s stress. Please, if you start reading this and you’re not into it, just skip it and move on. I promise, this is not a directive on how to pick a school, and I don’t claim to know where your particular child should go to school. This is just my thoughts on the topic for my own family.
For me, realizing that I wasn’t willing to stress about choosing a school, started when we lived in New York. People that live in New York are crazy when it comes to schools. I’m not sure that statement is even up for argument. And I don’t blame them. It’s intense. Our oldest turned 4 the month we moved there and school started a few weeks afterward. As we settled in, every time we met someone new the big question was: Where is Ralph going to preschool? And the stress wasn’t because we lived in Manhattan. We were in a little town just north of the Bronx, called Tuckahoe.
Since Ben Blair was starting his graduate work at Columbia, and I had baby number 3 a few weeks after we moved in, money was tight, and our only considerations for pre-school were essentially that it be cheap or free. You can imagine my shock when I found out that it wasn’t uncommon in our area for people to pay $20,000 or more per year for pre-school tuition. And these weren’t imaginary people with private jets. These were my friends and neighbors who didn’t drive fancy cars or take exotic vacations.
Well, paying that kind of preschool tuition simply wasn’t an option for us. So we kept asking around until we heard about other solutions. There was a co-op preschool some mothers at my church had put together — it would switch from house to house each month, with parents doing the teaching. The price was right (free!), but with 3 kids, aged 4 and under, I knew I couldn’t manage it. (We did end up participating in a similar co-op a couple years later for Maude). We also found a Methodist church nearby that offered a preschool with more reasonable prices. It wasn’t a bargain, but it was manageable. It also wasn’t a feeder into the ivy-league-track schools, but we visited it and could see that Ralph would be safe and happy there. We signed him up.
A few short months later, it was time to think about registering for Kindergarten. We knew Ralph would go to the public school in Tuckahoe, though it wasn’t rated nearly as high as the public schools in the nearby wealthier towns of Bronxville and Scarsdale. But even with that decision made, there was so much stress about which teacher he would get. My friends encouraged me to write letters to the school to make sure Ralph was put in the class taught by the Kindergarten teacher with the best reputation. The letters weren’t a guarantee, but they might help.
I found the whole thing just completely overwhelming. I was crushed with worry about who Ralph’s Kindergarten teacher would be. And I felt like an awful parent, knowing there were better-rated public schools available to us if we could afford more expensive rent in neighboring towns. At the park, in the grocery store, anywhere I went, it seemed like the topic of schools was all anybody could talk about.
Well, Ralph didn’t get assigned to that sought after Kindergarten teacher, and my heart was broken. I could barely sleep, wondering if I was sending my first child off to a horrible situation. But it turned out that the teacher he was assigned to was fantastic! Like really awesome! She was a terrific fit for Ralph in so many ways. Plus, she had a communication style with parents that was ideal for me and Ben Blair. Ralph had an amazing Kindergarten year! He loved school and we remained friends with his teacher for the 8 years we lived there. (As a side-note, the following year we didn’t make a teacher request for Maude, but she was assigned the sought-after Kindergarten teacher, and that teacher was excellent as well.)
After our experiences with Kindergarten for Ralph and Maude, I had a mental shift. I realized that I had been so stressed out about Kindergarten when I hadn’t even met any of the Kindergarten teachers. I also realized that the stress didn’t leave after Kindergarten. That these worries would continue till college — I knew my fellow parents were writing teacher-request-letters for every year of school.
At that point, we basically refused to buy in to the choosing a school stress any longer. And it’s not that we didn’t care about school. We definitely care that our kids get a good education! We care that our kids thrive and succeed! But spending time worrying about what school to attend, or paying exorbitant tuition, just isn’t okay with us.
If I find myself getting stressed out about choosing a school, I do my best to return to thoughts like these:
1) Don’t stress out about choosing a school.
I get it. It’s tempting to think about where our kids will go to college before we pick their pre-school, but I think that’s a mistake. Will my child really thrive at Harvard? Maybe. (Malcolm Gladwell’s David & Goliath makes me think otherwise.) At age 5, we don’t know what our kids will be like during middle school or high school or college. And a school that’s working one year may drastically change if you get a teacher that’s not a good fit for your child, or if your son’s best friend moves and he falls into a depression. You can’t control for stuff like that. At different times you’ll need different things.
If you’re an involved parent at all, your child will be able to go to college. And whatever college they get into, can be a building block to the next thing. How many people do you know that went to average public schools, then a decent university, then did medical school or graduate work at a top school? I literally know dozens of these people! And they earn the same salaries as the people that attended high stakes private schools starting in Kindergarten.
Ben Blair and I simply don’t stress about getting into certain schools, and we don’t pick our houses based on school district borders. It’s not worth the worry to me. Instead, I like the idea of using that energy to improve the school we’re assigned to. Or using that energy to improve our home environment. We do not need to get obsessed with choosing a school. It’s unnecessary. We’ll know what to do for our kids. We’ll be able to figure it out, to ask for advice from the right people, to find another option if the first idea isn’t working. Stressing out will not help.
2) You can’t buy happiness.
Paying high tuition, or attending the highest rated school doesn’t guarantee my child will have a happy, successful, fulfilled life. It doesn’t guarantee that my child will be a good citizen or kind person. It doesn’t guarantee that my child will make lots of money as an adult. It doesn’t even guarantee the school will be a good fit for my child. She might hate it. She might be a little fish in a big pond. She might feel pressure to go ivy league, when really, she’d be a better fit at a state school, or even jumping right into a career.
Paying the most tuition in the area won’t guarantee the best or brightest kid. You can’t buy happiness.
So does that mean a quality education doesn’t matter? It for sure matters! We want our kids to have as much quality education as they can. But I think there are many ways to define “quality education”.
3) There are options for choosing a school.
The town I grew up in has since grown, but when we first got there, every kid in town went to the nearest public elementary school. There were no other options. The same thing is true in many towns across America. One public school option. And happily, it mostly meets the needs of the kids. But what if it doesn’t? Until about 10 or 15 years ago, if it didn’t meet your child’s needs, tough luck for you. But that has changed!
If we didn’t like our public schools, we would look around. What are the other public schools like? Is there a charter school? Do we need to do a co-op with other parents? Our kids crave social stuff, but could we do online school and have them get social interaction via extra curricular activities? I know I have options.
In the schools where we live now, there isn’t a ton of funding, so every school can’t provide every program. One high school has a marching band. Another high school has an orchestra. Straightforward options like that can help you choose the right fit for your child. So think about what your child needs. A small class size? Indiviualized attention? A chance to be a leader? Special programs for special needs? A campus garden? A school music program? A Latin and Classics program? A wood-shop on campus? Would he thrive with a diverse group of friends? Don’t assume the best rated school is automatically the best choice for your child.
Can’t find a school that fits your child’s needs? You can make your own education options as well! Maybe you can attend half a day at public school and have a tutor in the afternoons — it would be way less expensive than the typical private school and could be ideal for some kids or families. Does your child crave lots of music education? You could have him attend a decent public school and save your money for piano lessons.
4) I believe in public schools and free education.
My default is public school. I start there. I assume we’ll like whatever school we’re assigned to, and if we don’t, we’ll look at other options. But there are parents that don’t feel they have options at all. Maybe because they don’t speak English well, or are working two jobs and don’t have time to explore the schools in the area. Or maybe they feel like money is too tight and assume that the nearby public school is the only free or affordable option. But their kids deserve a great education just as much as my kids do.
Is public school a fit for everyone? Nope. But for most kids, public schools work, and it’s worth investing our time in them. Because most children in our communities attend public schools, and it’s only in our best interest to give those kids the best educational experience we can.
I know from experience the instinct is to look out for our own kids above all else. And that feeds into our worries about finding the best possible school for our child. The school with the best ratings, or the best reputation. We want to give our kids every chance at success. And we assume the better the school, the more opportunities. It seems like the best school we can find is the ultimate gift to our kids, right?
Well, I actually disagree. If we are so concerned with our own kids that we put them on an elite track, and make sure they’re only rubbing shoulders with the most successful families in our city, while ignoring the needs of other children in the community, that’s not a gift at all. Giving your kids special status while the rest of the world struggles and crumbles is no gift. You’re giving them a worse world instead of a better one.
If we want to give our kids a better world, the most effective way of doing that is making sure every kid in our community has the best possible chance at success. We need to make sure every child in our community has access to an excellent school. And supporting your local public schools is a great way to do that.
Here’s a way to look at it money wise: Our public elementary school raises approx $75,000 per year and that money pays for a choir program, school band, an art event, a campus garden, and more. These programs benefit 300 kids. In comparison, if Ben Blair and I put Oscar, Betty & June, our elementary school aged kids, into the nearest private school, we would be paying $90,000 per year in tuition ($30,000 per student). And that money would benefit only our 3 kids. Of course, we don’t have that much money to put toward tuition, but if we did, I would much rather see those funds go toward a public school, where it could improve circumstances for a hundred times as many kids.
It’s the same with donating time and volunteering in the schools. I think the parents and community members who get involved with public schools are doing amazing work, because they’re not just providing a good educational experience for their own child, they’re also building the entire community.
I believe in public schools and free education.
(That said, I also completely understand there are reasons parents choose private schools as well. Olive will be in public school for 8th grade this fall, but she was enrolled in a private school for the last two years. So I get it, I promise. And in another post, maybe I can talk about how we made that decision. My intention isn’t to shame anyone for not using public schools, I’m just trying to express why I think public schools are so important.)
5) YOU can change things.
When I first wrote about our Oakland public elementary school, I received an email from the woman responsible for transforming it. Not a school employee, she’s a parent in the community. And yes, it really did start with ONE person. In her email she said, “My work at [elementary school] over the past nine years is one of the things in my life that I am most proud of. I don’t think you would believe the changes that have taken place in a relatively short time.”
Be confident you can change or fix things. You like your school but it doesn’t have a strong STEM program? You (yes you!) can make it happen. You are empowered! You can improve your school. You can provide what the school can’t provide until the school improves. You can do it. Parents do it all the time. Sometimes they have no choice but to dive in and improve the situation.
You can volunteer in the classroom. You can organize a group of supportive parents. You can organize a schoolyard clean-up day. You can do it!
6) Worrying about choosing a school is a privilege.
Realize that if you have time to think about these things, and have time to explore options, then you, like me, are very privileged, and that many parents don’t have the luxury of worrying about which school will be best for their kids. But even if they can’t worry about it, their kids deserve a good education every bit as much as your kids do.
I think anytime we find ourselves saying that a certain school is fine for other people’s children, but our kids deserve better, that there is a problem. Providing great education for everyone in the community, helps EVERYONE in the community — even those that can afford to opt out.
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When we announced we were moving to Oakland, the main message of emails in response to the news concerned schools. Be careful of the schools! You can’t use the middle or high schools! The schools are awful! It’s hard to find a good school! It’s too late in the summer to get a spot in the good schools!
Ugh.
It was New York all over again. But I was determined not to worry about it.
So I did my best to ignore the passionate school-related conversations and knew we’d figure it out when we got here. And that’s what we did. A few days after our move, we visited the district office and registered the 5 oldest. They were all put into the geographically assigned school for our address — no surprises.
Did we know we would like the schools? No. We had no idea. But we chose to assume that we would like the schools. And if it turned out we were wrong, we knew we could try another option. We’ve been here for two years, and still have people raising their eyebrows at us that our kids are enrolled in Oakland public schools. But we continue to love our public schools. They’re not perfect, but they’re doing a great job for our community and they continue to improve.
Now it’s your turn.
What’s your take? Do people stress out about choosing a school where you live? What have your experiences choosing a school been like? Do you have a preference for public or private schools? Or maybe you favor homeschool? Do you live in a place that has lots of choices, or do you live in a town where 90% of the kids go to the same school? Do you think we’re crazy that we didn’t give a single thought to the school district when we bought this house? Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
P.S. — Want more education related posts? Here’s a link to all the posts about schooling in France. Here’s a link to all the posts about schooling in Oakland.
I totally agree with you Gabby! I would be so stressed and depressed living in a place like New York where you have to practically make a career out of getting your kids into school. I’d rather just send the kids to whatever school is in our district and assume everything will be fine, unless and until it isn’t. I always tell myself that if school got really bad for my kids, I could find an online alternative like k12.
We just moved to Detroit from rural PA. Big adjustment. We decided to homeschool till we find out right where we want to live. With 7 children it is a big decision. So glad to hear someone say how they feel. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you..as a mom and a second grade, PUBLIC school teacher, it means so much to read the comments and continue the dialogue. Your own experience plus perspective adds value. I appreciate that this is personal but reaches into the social dimension. I often am wondering about how and when this structure changed so much. You are right, we have to invest with our time, resources, and opinions to change and add tour local schools.
What a great post – I love the notion of being part of a larger community and not just focusing on making sure our own kids enjoy the ‘privilege’ of being born to parents who have the ability to worry about schooling. This article reaffirmed my commitment to our public school where my daughters can interact with kids of a variety of races, ethnicities, socioeconomic status and the like. I was feeling self-conscious since so many of my friends are sending their kids to private school but a) we can’t afford it and b) my kids will have a realistic view of the world, including how fortunate they are, relatively speaking.
We live in Buffalo. Our parent org at our school works hard to raise 10k a year for a school of almost 900 students – PK-8. That said I love our public school, but my child is only 5. We’ve just begun. With over 50% of city kids living in poverty, middle class parents tend to opt out of public (or move to the suburbs). The publics then have around 70% of kids on free lunch. The public system is also tiered so that those with means/time/power find the ‘best’ schools, gifted, honors, or the charter options, etc. It is then very segregated. The majority of the parents in the schools just don’t have the ‘power’ to change the schools quickly. I often wonder why education has to feel like a battle here. Why the schools are the “problem”. What can schools do about poverty and segregation? And what would our schools be like if the parents in the parochial and privates stepped back into the public system with a broader outlook. Thanks for your post, it’s energizing. But I see many people do not have the confidence or flexiblity to place their kids in less than ideal circumstances when it comes to education. Now that I have a child in school, I do see how the larger picture is very daunting. And yet I have a strange faith in the effort, if only out of a stubborn belief in public schools being public.
In general, I agree with this and with the idea that public schools need all the parental help and investment they can get in most communities. And I theoretically agree that the biggest investment you can make is sending your own child there.
That said, I’d like to add the perspective of a former public school kid to the mix (vs. just the perspective of the parents who are making choices for them.) I have vivid memories of my own sub-par public school and how mind-numbingly bored I was for seven years of junior high and high school. When I came to public school, from a private elementary school, I was a full two years ahead of the kids in my class and there was no adequate support for me or any other children who were ahead of the curve. On the contrary, in most classes, the teachers taught to the lowest common denominator, the entire class slowing to the pace of the student having the most difficulty. Parental involvement did little to improve things: my father was president of the school board and my mother helped in other ways, but there was no bringing the school up to a better standard while I and my brother were there. So, despite my being involved in nearly every available activity and participating every year in competitive sports, my boredom in the classroom was only mitigated by maybe one course each term. As your example of the parent in Oakland demonstrates, it often takes many years to turn a school around or even get it on a better course and, by that time, your child may be the one missing out on a decent education.
As a result of my personal experience of sub-par public schooling – marginalized and bored – it’s very difficult for me to consider putting my daughter through the same.
I had a similar experience as a student and completely agree. From what I have seen, the advantage private schools consistently have over public is the student/teacher ratio. In many public schools, you have 30-35 students in a class. In private schools it’s something like 15 or less. Regardless of resources, parental involvement, etc., your child will receive more attention from the teacher in a private school environment. Of course, that’s only an advantage if the teacher is good! Private schooling does not guarantee excellent teaching.
(For the record, if I could, I would choose public school in Finland over either private or public here! Their principles and priorities would go a long way to revolutionizing American schools of all types:
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/why-are-finlands-schools-successful-49859555/?no-ist)
Thank you for being a strong advocate for public education, especially here in Oakland.
I’m a product of the CA public school system from kindergarten to graduate school and I loved every bit of it. As immigrants, my parents had no choice but to send me to public schools. When I had the choice for college, and then for graduate school, it was a no-brainer for me to attend the UCs, for its prestige and price tag.
There’s no doubt in my mind that my own schooling played a pivotal role in my career as a public school teacher here in Oakland. I was well aware of the reputation of this city and its schools before I was hired, but like you said, I believe in public schools and free education. Additionally, I believe that ALL kids deserve to have good teachers. So for the past 8 years, I’ve been teaching in East Oakland flatlands. My work ethic, experiences, skills, and qualifications can probably land me a teaching job anywhere in the Bay Area at this point, but I choose to stay in OUSD because I want to work where I live and do my part to make it better.
We have great public schools and teachers here in Oakland. However, our city is changing drastically due to San Francisco’s housing shortage. As more and more people move into Oakland and grow their families here, I wanted to reiterate some of the points you’ve made about Oakland public schools from the perspective a local teacher.
GreatSchools provides a number, not the whole story, about the school. A school is not the same as a test score. Visit a classroom in your local public school. Get a feel for the school, community, and culture before you decide it’s not for your child.
Not everybody can afford to live in the Oakland hills. There are a finite number of houses for sale in Rockridge. Oakland has affordable homes and good public schools across the city so be open-minded. Parents have the strongest voice in a school so put that voice to work and create the changes you want to see for your child and their peers. Your private school tuition can go a LONG way in a public school for all the kids, including yours. Trust me, an extra $30k could completely change a school’s budget and program.
Once again, thanks so much, Gabrielle, for sharing your thoughts publicly and supporting public education in Oakland. I really hope more folks will follow in your footsteps so we can continue to make our awesome city better.
I wish there was a “LIKE” button for this post. thank you!
I have a hard time with this topic. We lived in Montgomery County MD for my daughter’s kindergarten year and it was AMAZING. We loved the school, loved the teachers, loved the programs. It was amazing. Then we moved to a small town in Idaho. My daughter was in school for 6 weeks and I pulled her out. The teacher berated the students, they were doing preschool work, not even kindergarten stuff. I went in multiple times to talk to the teacher, and the principal. I left every day in tears thinking I couldn’t do this the rest of the year. We homeschooled for the rest of the year and I just couldn’t send her back, knowing what we would expect. Even many of the parents in the neighborhood who LOVE the school had said that the teacher she got was terrible to the kids and the kids suffered because of it. We ended up looking at private schools because all the charter schools in the area were full with a waitlist 100 names long. We felt with our child’s personality and the school’s educational setting and curiculum it would be the best fit for us. Had we stayed in MD I would never have thought twice about sending her to public school. But unfortunately not all public schools are created equal. I was offered a job at the private school which gave us a discount for both of my children to attend, and my paycheck covers the rest of the tuition. For now it is a solution but we are just starting. Schools here are underfunded and overcrowded. People don’t want to invest in education, and unfortunately there is damage done in some public school environments. I have no idea what we will do when we get to the older grades but if we encounter the same issues we dealt with, I don’t think I could send my kids to public school. Especially in our state and district, education has gotten really bad. It isn’t fair to me or my kids to put them through experiences that will be detrimental to them in their lives long term. I have seen it happen, to my siblings, in this district. And they are still suffering from it 10 years later.
Thank you for writing this. I also live in an area where the “school stress” seems to be a number one topic. I found myself stressed out, worried and even losing sleep over this as my daughter was going into first grade. Olivia was in a Montessori school for three years, two pre-school and then kindergarten. We all loved the school and philosophy that goes along with it more than I can express. As kindergarten was nearing its end I was freaking out with what to do! They were opening a new Montessori charter school in the area and my first thoughts were that I would just send her there, no questions asked. Long story short I ended sending her to our feeder public school for first grade. The year was fine, she did well, no real “bad” things to say about the school. But, our hearts are with Montessori I guess. The whole year I kept thinking and thinking, did I make a mistake, should I have gone for the charter?? Again, based really not on her year at the public school, I guess we just really believe in the philosophy of Montessori. Over the summer I have started the process to enroll get at a local Montessori school, not the charter as it is now a lottery to get in and we are on the wait list. Basically why I wrote this comment was just to say trust your gut and go with what you think is best for your child. I don’t like the idea of “paying” for my child to go to school this early but at this point it is choice we are making for our child. I don’t think anyone should feel guilty for doing what they think is best for their child. I cannot be worried about doing a “disservice ” to the hundreds of other children in the public school system by sending my daughter elsewhere. I have one chd and my sole purpose is to try to guide her as best I can. I like to work from the thought of “I’m doing the best I can with what I have”……leaving all the stress at the door:)
As a mother of two (one in college and one a senior in high school this fall), I know all about the school and teacher stress conversations. I, too, choose to not stress over the school or teachers my kids are assigned. Private school has never been within my financial grasp so that option was out for me, but homeschooling was always a viable option if I decided one of my kids needed something else. It happened for me when we lived overseas on a remote military base and our options were extremely limited. My daughter would enter first grade and have one of two teachers. One was known for her stern, no nonsense approach and for making kids cry: She was my kid’s teacher. I could have had her moved, but my son had had the other teacher for third grade and I knew her style just wouldn’t work for my daughter. She still talks about her first grade teacher with a shudder, but she came out of that year academically strong and learned a lot about how to interact with such a strong personality. She learned that sometimes in life you have to get along with people you aren’t crazy about and that you don’t have to let those people change who you are or how you feel. I have had many conversations over the years with people who are shocked that my approach is to believe that it will all work out, and if something isn’t working, well I figure out how to change it. You are spot on about parent involvement being the biggest factor. I have been involved every step of the way and I am happy to say that after three districts, five schools and countless teachers my two kids are intelligent, well-adjusted, kind, human beings who give back to their community and make others around them happy. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also a public school teacher.
THANK YOU! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for articulating so clearly and kindly many of the thoughts I have been grappling with. We live in Seattle where the school pressure is ‘almost’ as intense as it is in New York and are planning on sending our daughter to the local public school with terrible test scores if she doesn’t get placed via lottery at one of the public bilingual schools (I attended French immersion K-12 and would love that chance for her). Many think we’re crazy, even our closest friends, as the school isn’t one to brag about but, like you, we believe in public schools and believe in giving it a go and seeing how it works for HER and what WE can do to improve the situation and the school.
Anyway, I’m a new reader here at Design Mom – ever since I got my hands on your book which I devoured cover to cover in a day. I absolutely love your blog, your design, your approach to family life, your heart and right now – especially this post on schools. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have the same basic philosophy as yours. Our son goes to a smaller very mixed income and race elementary school – which happens to be one of the best in the state. I love that he goes there because first there are lots of great personal teaching moments regarding humanity and empathy but also that he gets a wide cross section of friends. I also volunteer at the school, which has incredible teachers and administrators and I have to say volunteering there is one of the best things I can do with my time. I love getting to know the various kids and help them or give them a different experience or exposure. It is such a gift!
On another note – my niece who went to a local public subsidized preschool, then the same elementary as my son, on to the local junior high -went on to get a partial scholarship to the current best rated private school in the country! She is now looking a colleges and has no desire to go to an Ivy League… She is looking at smaller private and public schools after rocking it for 3 years near the top of her class. I will say the college counselors at her school are fabulous and all about the right fit for you – NOT about the prestige of a name. I personally believe you can get an excellent education anywhere – it’s about what you choose to put into it. I love her path (& her) and hope my son will do something similar.
We moved my oldest daughter from a “great” school to a school with a “bad” reputation. It was my daughters idea. She was struggling at the “great” school. Well, she graduated this year as valedictorian and with scholarships to cover a excellent private school! We moved my other kids as well, and they are excelling fabulously. I bought into the stress for years, buying the house in the best school district, private preschool, ect. I now look back and can’t believe how much of my time was spent focusing on it when I should have been there for my children. I guess its with age we grow .)
I LOVE your attitude about schools and appreciate your voice of common sense in this area! I’m an expat in London and here, it begins at 2 1/2, when children vie for competitive nursery places (sounds comical, competitive nursery) from which they can be funneled into the “correct” primary school, and on from there…end goal, naturally being one of a few of the most prestigious universities. People buy and flip homes within a few months time span simply to get into a popular free school, but quite common also is to pay in excess of $15,000 a year for nursery. That’s right- the cut & paste years. I simply could not see the benefit of this. I refuse to believe you’re doing your child a disservice if you put them into a school that meets their needs and stay involved! Why have people bought into this, I’ll never know! It stresses out the parents here to the degree that I can’t even talk about it with them because I just don’t get it.
charter schools are publically funded private schools
Thank you for a great post. We live in Meridian, Idaho and public school has been good for our four kids (a graduate, a junior, an 8th grader and a 6th grader). We have lot’s of options in the West Ada School District. Our son got his EMT license with training he recieved in high school. Our second son will be able to graduate with certification in welding. Our daughters have so many options awaiting them. We’re thankful.
I love this so much. We’re just starting out family and looking to buy a house and all of my older, more experienced friends are telling me I’ll basically be running my future children’s lives by living in the area of town that is really the best fit for us because the schools aren’t great. They tell me I HAVE to move to the rich suburb so that my kids will have a future. But that feels so wrong to me! I want to stay in town and work to improve things. I feel the schools and community will continue to go downhill if people just move away to the rich districts. I want my children to be exposed to different kinds of people and ideas. I just don’t know how to explain this to my friends without them feeling like I’m denigrating their choices. Ugh. So your post really makes me feel better and comes at just the right time for me! Thanks!
Exactly what the first commenter said. What a refreshing viewpoint, and one we share! Great post!! :-)
Loved hearing your perspective Gabrielle! So refreshing :)
I’m one of those people like the dozens you know who attended public school through 12th grade, then went to a decent college before graduating from an Ivy League for grad school.
As for our plans with our children, currently 3 and 4, we’re planning to homeschool. My oldest won’t be in kindergarten until fall 2016, so it’s so far so good with preschool learning at home :) We’re going to take it a year at a time and are open to the public elementary school where we’re assigned.
It’s difficult not to stress over what’s THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISION EVER, when really there’s no perfect solution. Thanks for sharing your wisdom :)
I don’t disagree with most of what you said, but what I agree with most is the right to have a choice. There are many who believe that all should support the public schools and no other choices should be available (for e.g. Bill DeBlasio- mayor of NYC who attempted to shut down charter schools -he failed) Also- (http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013/08/private_school_vs_public_school_only_bad_people_send_their_kids_to_private.html.) There are many reasons behind this which I won’t go into here but it just leads to a giant dumbing down of our culture. You see equal doesn’t mean the same. I realize I probably have many opposing political viewpoints to yours, but where we agree is that people should be free to choose. Many if not most on your side of the aisle want to force the rest of us to only think, do and believe, their way. It’s not enough to be tolerant, we must embrace.
Long story short is, I will always read, listen, and contemplate other people’s views as long as they are not forcing them on me or calling me a small minded, bigoted, hateful person for not embracing their viewpoint. I know your blog is not political but it comes through regardless and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Please continue to be a voice of fairness for those of us that may not lean the liberal way but who are coming under increasing attack for our views
redbull, I consider myself progressive/liberal and am *very* supportive of charter schools and school choice for all (not just the middle and upper classes). See my other comments on this thread.
Of course, I’m an oddball!
Wow, this is almost exactly the line of thinking my husband and I went through here in Philadelphia for our son and daughter — pretty much alone, as neither of us had attended school here and everyone we knew had children in private school or were crossing their fingers on the charter lottery. I might have to frame this and hang it up at home. Then when people gasp at our public school decision they can read it. Reading is fundamental, after all!
AMEN. Thank you thank you thank you!
(and to think I grew up in NYC! And survived public schools! ha!
Great post! I can relate to it a lot although I’m from Germany, where free education is more common, but it changes. And I, too, am worrying. And I have to admit, I wrote a letter to my daughter’s school in order for her to get that highly sought after teacher. And she got it. We are so happy about that because it is a public school and it is just across the road from our house and all her friends are living next door.
I have to say, I’m really curious why you sent Olive to private school.
Because I’m with you on everything you’re saying 100%. And yet I was very close to chosing a private school for my kid. And the reason is not an elitist, Ivy League one, it’s more of the opposite. Normal schools in Europe can be very authoritive and my kid is a dreamer. So far she was never a high achiever according to the subjects demanded in preschool and school. But she comes to live when she can be creative and a lot of German teachers wouldn’t appreciate that at all. I don’t know about your experiences in France, but shaming a kid in school is not that unusual here. So I am so happy she has a creative, sensitive teacher in a public school now and I try not to worry about the years to come.
Thank you for your post, it was very reassuring.
You’re an involved parent and I think that makes all the difference in the world. My kids went to public school and my grandkids are going to the same schools. We know and love the staffs and they know and love our family. :)
I’ve read through a lot of these comments and couldn’t see a reaction from a Teacher! As a teacher who has taught in both systems, let me assure you I teach no differently in a high paid private school as I do in a public school. There is a misconception amongst parents that paying for their kids education gets them better teachers, it doesn’t! I don’t get paid more and I besides, believe me when I say teachers are born to be teachers – we don’t do it for the money. I have taught in the exact same passionate style in both systems and for 11 years kids have benefitted from my care, my compassion and my desire to see them reach their highest potential no matter what mum and dad pay for them to be sitting in my classroom. Drugs, sex and other scary issues are evident in both systems and who your kids choose as friends can never be decided by anyone but them – rubbing shoulders with ivy leaguers doesn’t mean your child will make better friends. All schools are just tiny microcosms of the greater society we live in – there are good teachers, bad teachers, indifferent teachers and the same with kids. I love the public school I’ve worked in and I’ve seen kids reach heights there that Ivy League feeder schools reach too. Kids are amazing – they adapt and learn no matter where we put them. If you can’t afford an expensive school – don’t fear – I promise your kid will get a teacher just like me who wants nothing more than for them to be happy, learn and thrive and that teacher will work hard to make it happen. Support the teachers at your public school or your private school – we look after your precious babes every day no matter where that is. It is us that are trying hard to do the right thing by your kids and I think sometimes these kinds of discussions lose sight of that.
I LOVE YOU. We live in Manhattan, and . . . I just love you. xox
Thank you for writing this post!
Just found your site looking for clothes ideas for my inbound kindergartner. I just want to say thanks for this! I have a 19 year old of at college and one just entering kindergarten and I wish someone had told me to chill when the oldest started school. My oldest went to kindergarten at a “low performing” elementary school when she was little where she was happy and thrived. She loved school and excelled to the point that she was moved to an expensive magnet school for the gifted later on at the districts recommendation. She hated it. Her grades declined and eventually she dropped out of school because she couldn’t handle the pressure. This time I didn’t spend time stressing over performance metrics and all that because I learned the hard way that those metrics don’t correlate to good education for a child.
I was stressing out when my second was ready to begin kindergarten the school nearby had all day kindergarten. Not what we wanted for her even though she would have done fine. It was at this time I heard about Moms in Prayer International (Moms In Touch back then). The ministry encouraged me to pray, so I did. We were able to open enroll her in another school w/half day kindergarten, the first one we applied at. She had a wonderful teacher and it turned out the principal went to our church. I started a Moms in Prayer group for her school with another mom. We prayed for our kids, their teachers, and the school. AND she had a great first year of school! You can check out the ministry at http://www.MomsInPrayer.org.
I’m so glad that you wrote this post! I especially love that you pointed out how fortunate those who have the option to stress out about school choice are. My oldest child begins Kindergarten in a few weeks and I spent several weeks this past spring stressing about school decisions. There are several charter schools in our area that offer special programs such as language immersion, SEM (Schoolwide Encrichment Model), schools that emphasize a democratic education, etc. and I felt completely lost as to how to navigate what will be best for my child because she has not been in traditional style pre-school, but instead a free online one. I ultimately made my decision based on which opportunities I can provide outside of school and which I can’t. We decided on the language immersion school because it is not something that I can enrich her with outside of school.
We just moved away from a severely disfunctional school that my mother actually worked for. I spent my days homeschooling and my nights advocating for change because I really really wanted my kids to be able to attend there. Unfortunately it was not to be. I think as human beings (not just as parents) we each have specific things that we are more prone to worrying about. I think I worry about schooling because I’m a teacher by trade. If you think of what ever you are by trade you’re not very likely to let someone you see who does a bad job at whatever you are a professional at do that job for you. For instance, if you are a surgeon and you know a bad surgeon you’re not gonna let him do a surgery on you or if you are a baker and you know someone who is not very good you’re not going have them bake your wedding cake. I think we need to cut each other slack about what we worry about. I worry about schooling because that’s my ‘thing’ and I try not to judge other people who don’t worry about it because I know they have other things that are their ‘thing’ that they worry about. I don’t worry about college/getting into the best schools or getting the best jobs I’m mostly worried about social development which is lacking in the failing we came from because of a lack of free play and recess time for kindergarteners and all of the early grades. I was happy to see you put responsibility on the parents shoulders with finding the option that works best for their family. Encourage families to consider what works best for each individual child. It sounds like that’s what you’ve done in your own family. Great article!
Dear Gabby,
I really needed to read this post. We moved from the US recently and have put our 3 girls in private school, within a mile of our home. We now live in a metropolitan city, among the top 10 in the world, so every conversation about kids hinges around schools and how to get in to them. We were very fortunate to find admission anywhere at all, given that for every spot, there are 5 candidates.
We are not catholic, but our girls are going to a catholic school, and I am grateful, because it is a very diverse environment.
We hope that what we provide them at home will make up for anything they are missing at school.
I really miss our public schools back home, but are making the best of the options available to us.
Thanks for the kind words, Barchbo and J!
1)
For parents who say “I am not a teacher and I don’t want to be a teacher.”
Wrong. Parents are the most important teacher a child has. No matter what is happening in the classroom, parent follow-up and practice with their children matters. I mean it. Start studying math or whatever now in preparation if needed. How will your child face their phobias or distaste for a subject or skill if you never did, and you shrug it off?
2) If you are in a state where the tax system has gutted the public education system to the point where class sizes are insane, I can understand the desire to look for something different, and my husband and I are veteran public school teachers.
3) If you want to support the public school system, don’t only volunteer. Actively work to make sure school funding from the state is sufficient and equitable. Vote for every school levy and bond in your area, even if the election is at an inconvenient time of the year.
Most teachers I know want to do a good job, and reach every student every day. That’s almost impossible to do in a class of 35 kids, no matter how good you are. State Funding–not solely parents running around to raise $ to pick up the slack–should be the answer. That way schools where most parents are working 2-3 jobs and don’t have flex time and don’t get paid if they don’t work get resources, too.
I really don’t put too much emphasis on the school. My only criteria is that the school is a safe environment for my son. I feel it’s the parents job to educate the children. I try to take my son to new places all the time. This way he can learn about things outside the textbooks. I might travel to texas and show him where the alamo really happened. Giving them that hands on experience, but also teaching them through everyday conversations. There’s not a day that my son asks me a question, that I don’t try to answer, without sugar coating it. He is smart enough to pick up on the knowledge I give him. Plus I try to teach him to be a respectable person, another thing that can’t be taught in the classroom. The most important education comes from parents, and not the school. Parents, don’t think the school will help your child. It’s your own involvement that will help them.
I love it when you talk about education! This is so encouraging to read as a mother to remind me to trust my instincts and stick to my educational philosophy for my kids even though I’m not hand picking their schools and teachers as they advance through school. Additionally, I grew up in a military family and went to school all over the U.S. 8 different schools before I graduated high school and there were some difficult grades and rough situations but my parents were always upfront about coming to them if something wasn’t working or if something bad happened and they would take care of it. So my advice to parents is to make sure your kids know they can tell you if the bus driver is also dealing drugs or kids are getting abused or bullied or the curriculum makes them uncomfortable or whatever. You don’t have to be on the PTA to still be an involved parent and make your kids and school safer when something comes up.
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU for writing this. I have these exact thoughts and philosophies swirling around in my head and you documented them so very well. I am going to direct people to this post whenever this topic comes up in conversation. Seriously – thank you. You just saved me hours and hours of explanation.
Thank you for this post! I don’t have children, but I am a public school teacher and a fellow advocate for public education. I appreciate your sincerity and insight!
We chose a charter school for our kids over public school. A minimum of four hours a month volunteer time is required for all parents in order to keep your kid enrolled. As much as I’d like to hope that I’d be an involved parent in public schools, I have to admit, if my presence isn’t required, then I’m much more likely to tend to other fires. I have to drive my kid to school both ways, and there is no school lunch program. In many ways I’m actually signing myself up for a whole lot more work. But at the same time, it’s what I personally as the parent need in order to be a better parent. Driving time gives me conversation time to connect that isn’t distracted, making their lunches gives me time to nourish them and show some love, volunteering in the classroom gets me involved and aware of what’s really going on with their school experience educationally and socially. I know my kids would do just fine in public school but I fear public school would tempt me to be a slacker. Every person is different. I admire the parents who are still really involved with their kids schooling in public schools where it isn’t required. That’s what it means to go above and beyond. In a charter school I just do what is required but its the best set up for me to be my best self. The school choice isn’t always just about the kids.
We live in a town that is right on the border of the Central Valley and Bay Area. When we moved here we our kids were tiny and we initially (snobbishly) thought that of course we’d move closer into the Bay Area for the better schools as soon as we could, as the going-to-college statistics were low from our area. BUT! After enrolling in our local K-8 school – and ten years and 4 kids into it – we’ve found that digging in and committing to contribute to and grow the beautiful thing that’s right in front of us has been so great for our family and very humbling for me… I’d never leave our little town now. We had no art at our school, so I started a parent art docent program. The parents and staff have collectively been SO amazing and now, thanks to parents who have worked at it far harder than me, every class in our school consistently has a parent art docent. It is a joy to see the gorgeous art hanging in the halls and classrooms, and hearing children and parent docents (for whom many, art is new) developing passion and appreciation for art. That’s just one small example. Other parents have stepped up in different ways to bring science nights, fun-runs, coach sports teams, etc., to the school, and I have completely realized that I was so naive to think I could judge a school’s value by a statistic. Long live public schools and the unique ways they collect and throw together diverse families!
I find as we have hunted for schools that too often “bad school” is code for “school with a lot of not white people” – not that it is an actual bad school.
Thank you for your article. It was refreshing to read. To add to it I think there is also great value in guiding your kids through teachers and experiences they don’t love and aren’t ideal. There are times we should take them out of those situations, but more often times they can learn from them and become stronger. I’d rather have my kids have these experiences when they live at home and I can guide them, than when they’re on their own and don’t know how to handle it.
As a mama just out of the woods on a major daycare drama, this article provided some much needed perspective. Thank you!
“Maybe because they don’t speak English well, or are working two jobs and don’t have time to explore the schools in the area. Or maybe they feel like money is too tight and assume that the nearby public school is the only free or affordable option. But their kids deserve a great education just as much as my kids do.”
Gabrielle, I am commenting as the (former) child of parents like those you describe here. What would have helped me most when I was going to school would have been a _choice_ of where to go. In other words, I would have liked to have had the option of voting with my feet. What’s a great education for one child may not be so for another. What children of the poor and working classes deserve, aside from a great education, is a choice . . . just like the middle and upper middle classes have.
Thank you Gaby for posting this refreshing perspective. As a black mom, the whole school search thing has been especially anxiety-inducing because all the top school systems in my area have less than 1% black kids!! So I lost way too much sleep trying to understand how I can give my kids the best education without subjecting them to being “the onlies.” I have chosen the most diverse neighborhood I could find in the suburbs and ignored the comments on message boards saying that the school is going “downhill” despite being consistently in the top 50th percetile for the state which may or may not be a codeword for too many brown kids :-/
I live in LA. The public school district is overwhelmed, underfunded – classes are huge, discipline is an issue, arts and music classes hard to find. I live in a great urban neighborhood but our local public middle school kids are not getting a good education – however, they are frequently mugged when leaving school -held up for their phones/laptops/ipads.
We chose private school. There are times I regret not moving to an area out of the district that has good public schools – like last Fall when my oldest son spent countless hours prepping for an entrance exam, writing applications and interviewing for middle school. Or those long commutes to/from school…or all that $ not going in to the college fund.
It is very personal. I have a dear friend who home schools and loves it. So much is available now with the online/home schooling options. In CA we are dealing with a vaccine law that may push more parents toward those kind of options. In LA we have charters/magnets/pilot schools. It is very confusing. It can certainly be done – but it comes with a price of it’s own.
I appreciate your point of view. I wish I did not stress so much about schools. That said, for me, it is a huge issue. I would not be comfortable with “the schools are the schools”.
I wish it wasn’t so complicated – but with all the cuts to public education and so many students challenged by poverty, hunger, and language – it is a very different world than when I attended my local public school decades ago. I think it is a great dialogue to have but it is not so simple as whether or not you believe in public schools. Every one of us has to make the best choice for our family and our kids within our resources!
Wonderfully and thoughtfully said. Thank you for sharing your experienced opinion. I agree fully with what you wrote here. As a public school teacher I see so many parents dealing with this unnecessary worry every year. As a parent of two adult children who thrived and succeeded in the public schools and went on to college I know the system works, quite well actually.
I think this may be one of those posts I bookmark and come back to during this school year. My oldest is entering 8th grade and a private school and her first choice for high school is our local public school. After much thought, I see how well this could work for her and for our family, and while we may look into other options to make sure this school is the right fit, we’re happy if the public high school is the final decision. However, the dread comes in having to deal with the other parents at the private school this year. We’ve heard negative comments from them about the school (most untrue) that seem to come from a place of insecurity, as if our decision somehow challenges theirs. I like both of your points that this decision is about what is best for our child/family and that may not work for others, and that having the option to consider different schools is a privilege. I’m going to keep both of those points in mind to help get me through the year. :)