By Gabrielle. Photo of George H. Brimhall (see the P.S. for relevance).
A little warning, this post is really long. : )
On Valentine’s Day weekend we ended up throwing 3 parties. Maude had friends over on Friday night — a little “GALantine’s” gathering with a pretty dessert table and chick flicks. Then on Saturday night, Ralph went to “Mormon Prom” a formal dance for LDS high school kids in the Bay Area who are 16 years old or older. We made corsages for the girls, and after the dance, the kids came to our house to hang out and have rootbeer floats. Then on Sunday, we hosted a “Policeman Party” for our nephew’s 4th birthday. And since there was no school on Monday, we had a sleepover for 3 of the cousins. (Sometime, I need to tell you more about the policeman party. It was a cute one.)
At some point, I turned to Ben Blair and said, can you believe this? Two months ago it took everything in me to get a Christmas Tree, and this weekend we threw 3 parties and are ready for more! I’m doing so much better!
So this post is a mental health report. I’ve been very open over the past several months about the status of my brain, and I’ve received dozens of emails from readers wondering how I knew my head wasn’t working right, how I recognized when to go to the doctor, and how the medication was working. Obviously, everyone who has experienced a downturn in their mental health has their own story, but here’s mine, in case it helps.
It starts 12 years ago. In the summer of 2002, right about when baby Olive weaned, I crashed. It had been a hard year. On August 1st, 2001 we moved to New York with 2 year old Maude and 3 year old Ralph. Three weeks later, Olive was born (the day before Ralph’s 4th birthday). Three weeks after that, September 11th happened and the entire city plunged into a depression.
We moved to New York, far from our families, so Ben Blair could do his graduate work at Columbia and we were delighted to be there. But until we got there, I didn’t really understand how expensive it is to live in New York, and here we were, Ben in graduate school, and me home with 3 very young children and no design-clients in sight — the poorest we’d ever been. Ben’s parents were very generous and helped us stay afloat during the worst months. It was the first time I’d tried the stay-at-home-without-earning-an-income option, and unfortunately it wasn’t the right fit for me. Additionally, right about the time we moved to New York, my mother remarried. She married a wonderful man, and we adore him, but seeing your mother married to anyone who is not your father (or vice versa) takes some major getting used to.
So, it was a rough year. I honestly thought we were managing pretty well — we made great friends and took advantage of what the city had to offer as much as possible. But at about the 1 year mark after our move, just as I weaned baby Olive, our car broke down. An 83 Toyota Landcruiser. The fix was $800, and we flat out couldn’t do it. Apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My head just shut down.
It’s like my brain was paralyzed. I couldn’t make decisions. Even little ones. For example, my dear friend Megan lived downstairs and could see something was very wrong. So she came over to take me a movie and get me out of the house. I wasn’t opposed to a movie, but it involved so many decisions (Should I change my clothes? Where are my shoes? Do I need to brush my hair? Will I need to talk on the car ride? Should I stand up now and get my shoes now, or keep sitting for awhile?) that I couldn’t do it. I cried often.
This continued for several weeks getting worse and worse until all I wanted to do was die. I thought about death almost constantly, because imagining being dead was the only relief from feeling this awful that my head could conceive of. I very much wanted to die, but at the same time I could see that wouldn’t be fair to Ben, to leave him with 3 tiny kids. At some point I tried to explain to him in all seriousness that we needed to put the kids up for adoption, because then I would be free to die. In my head it made so much sense — a brilliant plan! Oh man. I remember the look on his face as I was explaining this to him — I had a moment of clarity and thought: Oh. I’m going crazy. Something is wrong with my brain.
Because I had grown up with my Aunt Mary Lu, I was familiar with what serious mental dysfunction looked like and if there was a way to avoid that life, I really didn’t want to become insane. My moment of clarity was a huge push for me to do everything possible to get better. But. There wasn’t actually much I could do. I didn’t even know what was wrong! And poor Ben, what was he to do? He had no idea what was wrong either. He was having to handle twice the responsibilities and was worried sick about his wife.
Luckily, a woman at church saw me and recognized what was happening. She told the leader of our congregation and he brought me Marie Osmond’s book about post-partum depression — wrapped in brown paper like it was contraband. He didn’t want to embarrass me. : ) He also told us if we needed to see a doctor, that our congregation had a fund that could help out with expenses. This was a huge relief because money was especially tight at the time.
I’m a fast reader and whipped through the book in an afternoon. I confess, it was not my favorite. But. At the end of the book there was a section by a doctor and it included a quiz to help you identify if you were depressed. I took the quiz and friends, I got an A++. I was depressed! This thing I was going through had a name! Suddenly there was hope!
The book said I should see a doctor to get a physical, and if needed, see a counselor. So I did. I still couldn’t really make decisions, so Ben Blair had to do most of it — the making of the appointment, the driving me there. And it all took time. My doctor’s appointment for the physical and basic checkup had a wait time of a couple of weeks. Then we waited for blood work. Everything on my physical checked out fine, so it was recommended that I see a counselor. Another 2 week wait for an appointment. The counselor sat with me for an hour and at the end told me I was depressed. I was so mad! I told her I already knew that and that’s why I was in her office. So frustrating! She told me I would need to see a psychiatrist so I could get a medication prescription. Ugh. I just knew that would be another 2 week wait!
By this time my head was even worse. I was trying so hard to get help and make the right appointments, but the whole process was quite ridiculous, and it was so new to us that we didn’t know how to navigate it well. I didn’t think I could wait another two weeks to see a psychiatrist. So. We called my brother-in-law Kevin. He’s married to Ben’s sister Jeanette and (tada!) is a psychiatrist. He lived far from us, but gave me an evaluation over the phone (side note: as you can imagine, it’s super fun to talk about your sex drive with your brother-in-law!), confirmed the depression and then shipped me a box of samples of a medication called Wellbutrin because he knew we couldn’t afford to buy medication.
I was told it would take 2 weeks before we knew if the Wellbutrin was working. At this point I had been sick for months, and known it was depression for about 5 weeks — the idea of having to wait two more weeks was so discouraging. What if it didn’t work? What if we needed a different medication? Ugh and more ugh!
But here’s the happy ending: two weeks went by, and one morning I woke up and was… normal. I didn’t want to die. I got dressed. I made a list of tasks and got through them. I ran errands. I had conversations. I didn’t cry for no particular reason. I wasn’t grinning all the time, or falsely happy, or overly happy. I was just my regular self.
It was awesome!! The Wellbutrin worked wonderfully for me, and I didn’t even notice any side effects. The best case scenario. I know what a blessing that is. Some people try for years to find the right medication or combination of medications. And some never quite find the perfect fit. Can you imagine how frustrating that must be?
In fact, one very clear memory from that time was realizing that my depression might be mild compared to others. The understanding came during the appointment with the counselor that I found so irritating. During our hour together she repeatedly assured me that how I was feeling wasn’t my fault. And I remember thinking: Duh. Of course it’s not my fault. Why would I ever choose this? But as I took the train home, it occurred to me that there were people out there who were experiencing what I was experiencing, but they felt guilt about it as well! Making it even worse!! And that broke my heart.
Even back then, a dozen years ago, I was very open about what I was going through, and many people told me that they thought it was probably related to weaning the baby. No doubt my hormones were at least partially out of whack, but honestly, I think it would have happened even without the weaning. It was just a particularly difficult time.
I took the Wellbutrin for about 3 months, until the samples ran out. By that time, I had found a full time job as a senior art director in an ad agency, and our life was very different. We had a decent income. I was being creative daily. I was getting out of the house. Life was good!
Cut to August 2013, a dozen years later.
A few weeks after the move to Oakland I could see I wasn’t doing well. I wasn’t depressed yet, but I could tell my head was pretty fragile. I tried to take it easy. I tried to get help around the house. I tried to eliminate all unnecessary tasks. But it didn’t really work. It was like this: I was dealing with something like 250% of my normal mental/physical workload, so I eliminated a bunch of stuff. But that basically took it down to 200% of my normal workload. Still way too much.
So we started looking for a doctor in case things got worse. I was open about seeking help. I was sure the process would be easier than the first time. But alas, it wasn’t! We called 15 doctors — and literally every single one had a message that they weren’t accepting new patients. Part of the problem was we weren’t desperate yet. After several rejections we’d take a break, and then I’d have a few good days and we’d forget about it. And then I’d have a horrible day and we’d try to track down a doctor again. We did this for weeks.
Eventually I realized I was once again desiring death, thinking about it all the time. Again, death was the only relief my head could find; the only scenario that offered peace to my broken brain. Like you might expect, the weird conversations happened again. I would have talks with Ben Blair about how my desire to die was a conscious, reasoned choice; that I’d experienced everything I want to experience. That he needed to let me die.
I realize that if you haven’t experienced anything like this before, the idea that I wanted to die might freak you out. But amazingly it’s actually quite normal for someone who is depressed. Isn’t that awful? And I should also note, that though I was desiring death almost all the time, I wasn’t specifically suicidal — meaning I wasn’t looking up ways to kill myself on the internet. Though I suppose that may have been the next phase. : (
Finally, in October we found an available psychiatrist and set an appointment — with a 2 week wait as usual. I went to the appointment and told her what was happening and that I thought I should probably take Wellbutrin. She talked to me for an hour and a half and then told me I needed to take Wellbutrin. I confess, I was once again very irritated because I felt like I was jumping through unnecessary hoops, but I was also simply relieved that I was finally getting help — and a prescription.
We filled the prescription and what do you know? Two weeks later I was feeling pretty fantastic. And by fantastic I mean normal.
I take half a pill each day. The doctor recommended that I ease my body onto the medication by taking just half a pill for the first few days. At that point, I tried a full pill and felt really funny so went back to half and stayed there. I take the medication at night before I go to bed. It works. I know it doesn’t work for everybody, but it works for me.
Friends, this post is not a call for sympathy. I mean it. I am doing great! I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been, and really, truly, compared to many people with mental illness, I have it easy as pie. If I’m ever in a bad way again and can’t seem to get help, I’ll be sure to share. But for now, I’m feeling wonderful. I’m back to my productive self and knocking out projects right and left. It feels great!
A bit of Q&A:
Q. Between the first episode and the episode 12 years apart, did I have depression?
A. Sometimes. But just for a few days. The neural path that was burned in my head during the first depression was apparently burned deep. And anytime I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed — say the week before I put on Alt Summit — I’ll find myself yearning to be dead in a mild way (if there is such a thing). But then it goes away when the stress disappears.
A few different times over those dozen years I had conversations with Ben Blair where I would basically give a heads up: Hey. I might need to see a doctor. My heads a little off. So we would be on the watch and start looking into doctors, but then a couple days later I would be fine again, and we’d forget about the doctor hunt.
Q. How long will I be on medication?
A. Who knows? Possibly forever. I feel no side effects, so I’m not in a big hurry to get off of it. For many reasons, this transition (from France to Oakland) has hit me particularly hard. We’re 7 months into the move, and I’m just now feeling like myself. I need some time to catch up on life. Right now my guess is I’ll be taking the medicine for a year minimum, but again, I’m not in a hurry to get off it. I’m just grateful it works! What a blessing.
Q. Is it always that hard to get medical help if you’re suffering from depression?
A. My assumption is a giant NO. I think I just don’t know what I’m doing. In both of my cases I had recently moved and didn’t have a family doctor yet. I assume getting help is much smoother and faster if you already have a medical team in place. I also wonder if I could have gotten help quicker in an emergency room situation. I honestly don’t know. Having gone through this twice, I’m still perplexed at how to make the process more efficient. I’m sure there’s someone out there that knows exactly how to go about getting help in the fastest way possible, but I’m not that person.
If I think about it too long, I get angry. It shouldn’t be this hard to get help. Depression is extremely common, and there is known medication that works. It should be so straightforward to get medical aid. I’m doubly compassionate for those going through this that don’t have financial, family, church or social networks as support.
——
Okay, Friends, if you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal! That was a looong report.
And now it’s your turn. How has mental health (or lack of it) touched your life? Perhaps you’ve had an experience that is very similar or completely different from mine? Do you feel like you would recognize it if you needed to see a doctor? If you did think you needed help, would you know how/where to find it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
P.S. — The image at top is George H. Brimhall. He is Ben Blair’s great, great grandfather. He was the president of a university, but also suffered from depression and eventually committed suicide. I think it’s important to remember that mental illness can take many forms, and just because someone is highly functional, doesn’t mean they aren’t susceptible to depression.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have recently gone back on medication after “trying to be strong” and do it on my own. Mental illness runs deep in my family and I have to tell myself to be gentle and take things one day at a time. I always know my medication is helping when I’ve gone weeks without hyperventilating and crying in my closet. Grateful for modern medicine for sure! Thanks again for your openness. Sending lots of love.
Good for you, Gab. Well written. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with these issues.
My experience with depression was unusual It lasted only about three days, and nothing remarkable brought it on. Oddly enough, I think of it as a “blessing” but only because it gave me increased compassion. I’ve had my share of down time: baby blues and intense stress and grief. But this was different. For that short, terrible period of depression I really did wake up thinking, “Oh, nooo. I’m still here.” I wasn’t suicidal but I felt like death offered the only relief.
Gabby, I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing well and feel like yourself again. Your perspective (and gratitude!) about your depression is truly inspiring. Thank you for writing this and posting it for so many to read and learn from, especially me. xoxo
Your candor is both remarkable and brave….there is such a social stigma attached to mental health. Why do we see it as a sign of weakness? I’ve been reading your blog on a daily basis for three years, you seem to have accomplished so much and I am always inspired and informed. This latest post has no doubt been such a comfort to so many!
Thank you so much for sharing this. My 16-year-old brother-in-law committed suicide almost two years ago, and since then I’ve really struggled with feelings of anger. I know this sounds like I am completely devoid of compassion, but I’ve been so angry at him for ending his life, devastating our family, and depriving my two little boys of their wonderful, beloved uncle. He had a wonderful life with a loving, supportive family, and it just didn’t make any sense. It seemed so stupid and selfish.
But now I think I understand a little bit better, and I feel like I can let go of some of the anger I’ve held on to.
And I have to echo everyone else here in thanking you for your willingness to share this. We suspect that our beautiful little boy may be hyperactive, and we just received more confirmation about it today from his teacher. I know that hyperactivity is such a small thing compared to other mental challenges, but it’s been a hard day for me. I’m sad that he’ll have to maneuver through life with this extra difficulty, I’m worried about what it will mean for him in school and in relationships, and I’m ashamed to say that I’ve also worried about what others will think: if they’ll think that we’re bad parents, or that he’s a bad kid, or that his chances for success are already diminished, or that they won’t want their kids to hang out with him, or that we’re ignorant or negligent if we decide to try medication. Your post helped me to realize that it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter what other people think; all that matters is that we do our best for our sweet boy and keep loving him and being proud of him and letting him know all of that.
Again, I know that this issue is so minor compared to what you’ve discussed, but I really needed this reminder today. I feel like it’s been an answer to prayer, and I know it will help me to have more courage as we face this next little hurdle as a family.
So thank you and God bless you.
Oh, and I was also going to say that unfortunately, I don’t think you’re alone in your struggle to find adequate mental health care. According to the Child Mind Institute, there are more taxidermists than child psychiatrists in the United States. It makes me angry, too.
http://www.childmind.org/en/press/brainstorm/are-there-more-child-psychiatrists-or-taxidermists
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. After my first chid was born I suffered from postpartum depression. At the time I truely believed that I was not a good mother. Looking back on this I can’t believe that this person was me. A very surreal experience. My husband got me to a psych MD very quickly and eventially I returned to normal. I don’t remember but I think I took medication as well. I went on to have 2 other children without any issues. It is my sincere hope that your post and the comments will help someone get the help they may need and realize that they are not alone.
After 9 miscarriages, one ectopic that almost killed me, and one delivery of a already dead child, it put me in a deep depression. Now that I’m no longer trying to have another baby, and have accepted that the child I have is enough, I’m doing much better. But there are days when my head is not right either, and I feel like it’s the moments when I sit down and do something creative, that keep me going. I see the sun, and I know I can move forward with joy and not feel bad about being happy. Starting a new business has me so busy that at times, I wonder if I’m going to crash. I’m not good at sitting still, and I often think I need a day of total quiet, to reason with my thoughts. Thanks for sharing your story, I can so relate. I sometimes wonder, if being quiet is good or bad??
Thank you for this honest post. It really is helpful. After my first was born, I honestly couldn’t stop thinking about death either. I wanted to give my son to my mom, let her take care of him, because I couldn’t do it I thought. I became terribly thin, to the point it hurt to sleep because my knees were so bony. I didn’t get help from a doctor, but looking back I should have. I instead found a job back in the states, near home, so I could have family support again. My husband was traveling so much, I had no one and really was fearful I wouldn’t make it. I became “normal” again thankfully slowly after moving back to a support system, and maybe perhaps when my hormones evened out.
Well done. You are a brave, brave, good woman!
Thank you! I keep coming back to your site time and time again because of its seemingly effortless charm, but also because, just like a good host, you ensure that your guests can get honesty about how it all happens. I had a bad period of depression/ anxiety in first year of college and it has made me more deeply aware that I have strengths and weaknesses in my mind. Once, in recent years, I remember dreading an interaction at work and I knew I was close to that place again and I pulled back. Now I treat those moments, like I do when I fel like “I am coming down with a flu/cold” they are now equal in my mind. What I really appreciated about your story was a willingness to explain your state of mind, which is so hard for me to understand when my husband or family members are feeling sick in this way. Xo
What a striking, honest post. I actually went through something very similar a few months before my daughter turned one. I wasn’t weaning her but things just suddenly slid sideways—I couldn’t make decisions, I was crying all the time, I had a pretty terrible case of insomnia. One of the things my doctor did first—and I am so grateful for this and would recommend *any* new mom who has the same troubles look into this—was order a hormone panel. And you know what? It showed that my progesterone—that hormone that ramps up in pregnancy and makes you feel all jovial and content etc.—had pretty much bottomed out to ziltch. So before she had me try an anit-depressant she had me try a progesterone supplement and it worked for me! Same thing—two weeks later I just suddenly felt better.
That might not be the case for everyone and I’m so grateful we live in a society where women can find the help they need in whatever form it comes in, but I think there are probably a lot of moms out there who experience some level of post-partum depression even a year, a year and a half after the baby’s born and I would just encourage them to take the situation seriously—having a baby throws your hormones way out of whack! As one doctor told me, “Sometimes a particular pregnancy just hits you that way and your body can’t figure out how to re-cycle properly afterward.” You might be fine with one pregnancy and not fine with the next, who knows. I know I’ll definitely be on red alert next time.
Thank you so much for sharing, Gabrielle.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think it is so SO important for people to be open and honest about depression.
As I was reading, I felt like I could relate to so much, even though I am in my early twenties and don’t have kids yet.
I’ve been feeling depressed for over two years now, but still haven’t got adequate help. It is just SO hard! After I had graduated from my Bachelor of Arts, but was in the middle of doing my Bachelor of Education to become a teacher, I tried to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to get help but that ended up making it worse. See, I went to the Student Clinic on campus and had a very long meeting with I guess a “pre-counselor?” It was the clinic’s policy that you had to see someone so that your “need” could be evaluated and then a doctor would be assigned to you. During this appointment, I told the counselor all about how I was feeling: wanting to die (but not feeling suicidal), feeling lost, anxious all the time, etc etc. She just kept insisting I didn’t need to see a “real” counselor, but that their group career counseling would help. I agreed that I’d go to those sessions, because sure, it would probably help someone who was feeling uncertain about careers, but I still wanted to see someone else, because I knew all of my “problems” were not because of being undecided on a career. I had to argue with her to put me on a list to see someone!
And then when I was directed to go see the receptionist to enrol in the career courses, the counselor and the receptionist seemed frustrated that I wasn’t available to attend because my teaching internship was at the same times. The receptionist asked if I’d like to make an individual appointment for me and when she asked what times were good for me, I told her anytime after 3:30PM. She looked at me angrily and said, “It would be a lot easier for me if you university students wouldn’t be so lazy and would get out of bed before noon! None of you ever want the early appointments!” Woah. I was so upset. I don’t normally snap at people but I looked at her and snapped right back at her: “I am NOT lazy! I can’t take a day time appointment because I’m teaching every day! I leave my house at 6AM to take a bus to the school I teach at and I teach all day. I don’t get a lunch break because I offer the students extra help then and I have to stay until they leave at 3:30!” And then I just walked out and never went back. I was too upset, angry, and felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong, not being able to get help for myself.
Now, I’m living in Beijing, and I have no idea how to get help for myself and I don’t think I could afford it. Plus, mental health issues aren’t covered by my insurance.
Sorry for the long story/rant. I guess it just all seems so crazy that in this day and age it’s so hard to get help… for everyone it seems.
So appreciate your honesty. Blogs, media, FB can all be very deceiving as they often portray a “perfect life” that none of us can live up to. A good life of course is more nuanced then pretty pictures and small snippets of text portray. You are a beautiful, complicated, honest lady. Love to you
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
I’m in the midst of trying to get help now, it’s been over 3 months since I went to my doctor for help, and I still haven’t even been able to see a counsellor, and I’m almost completely unable to chase it, it takes weeks for me to build up the mental energy to make the phone call, then it always turns out there’s yet another delay.
I thought I knew it wasn’t my fault, but when you wrote about people feeling guilty I just started crying because I realised that I do believe I’m to blame. I don’t really know why I think that. It’s like there’s two levels of brain – depressed anxious brain and me, fighting for supremacy.
All of which is to say, please keep sharing this stuff, it helps so much to not feel like the only one.
Dear Gabrielle
Thank you so much for your honesty and bravery in sharing your mental health history, parts of which I have also experienced since having my first child 12 years ago. You are a brave and wonderful person and I’m delighted to hear you are feeling so much better now. Mental health is such a taboo subject that in my case only my wonderful husband and one dear friend have any inkling of this side of my health, although if I had suffered from a problem elsewhere in my body, I would have had no qualms in telling friends and family about it. I have just discovered a practice called mindful meditation and I’m just day 2 into trying to spend 10 minutes each day practising it. It is a growing area in the approach to aiding mental health issues and I can thoroughly recommend a c0uple of books on it – “Mindfulness: An Eight-week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Williams, Danny Penman and Jon Kabat-Zinn and “Sane New World, Taming the Mind” by Ruby Wax (who has also done a TED talk on this). I am building myself up to telling my book group that I have been reading these instead of the literature I should have read this month! Thanks again for this insightful post and please keep on sharing. Very best wishes to you and all your family, Jude
Hellooo?
Has anyone noticed that Oscar looks exactly like the fellow in the picture???
Wow! Hard to believe they are so many generations apart.
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Yes… I had two very tough depression experiences. The first one I was only 14 and I got help only when I was 16 and tried to kill myself. Neither I or my family had recognized what was going on… As you describe it very well, when we have never experienced it, we don’t know what is going on and it can take time…
The second experience was when I was 21, but I recognized it quite faster and got help early on.
I am pregnant now and my baby might arrive in the next weeks, but the beginning of pregnancy was horrible… I felt totally depressed (although I was trying to get pregnant) and I was feeling so sad, that I almost terminated my pregnancy because I was too afraid of going through a huge depression again, becoming a depressed mom that couldn’t take care of her child of herself.
Thank Goodness, I ‘ve got a lot of help from the doctors, midwives, a shrink and depression faded away. Now I am doing well and so happy to be pregnant!
I also felt guilty this time, because I didn’t want my baby to feel unwanted, even if I wasn’t sure I could go on with it. I caressed my belly (that wasn’t yet a bump) and told the baby millions of times that she was loved and it had nothing to do with her, I was going through a tough moment, but I loved her…. I hope she knows it!
Thank you so much for being so open about this. I’ve been there, too, and while medication didn’t work for me, other more alternative treatments did. Like you, mine was brought on by financial stress and I remember just feeling numb and not being able to make decisions either. It was all too overwhelming. I now believe some of what I was dealing with at the time was due to a repression of memories of sexual abuse I endured as a tiny child and all of the bubbling up combined with massive financial worries was the perfect storm for me. I’m so very thankful that you are feeling better. Thank you for writing this.
Dear Gabrielle: I always think I have depression, that it came with me long time ago. My brother is psychologist and I know I can talk to him for advice and orientation but I don’t do it. Many things had happen in my life ( the early death of my dad, the sadness, two miscarriages, more sadness, and recently my oldest son was in hospital very sick) that made me feel so, so sad, that’s the word, that’s the feeling. Now I’m pregnant and I have a 9 year old boy and a baby boy of15 months. Sometimes I can’t deal with all: the economic difficults, the kids, the pregnancy, the health of my oldest son who has only one kidney. Somedays I feel fear all the time, and it’s exhausting. Other times I think in all the good things I have and the life is to much easier. That’s all. Sorry for tell you all this but your post was very touching to me. Thankyou so much for share. Verónica
It is important that you have shared your story. I just finished reading “Coming of Age on Zoloft” and “My Age of Anxiety”, both very good. I am grateful that we live in an age in which medicine can help so many people. I have a number of family members who suffer with varying degrees of mental illness. Navigating the mental health system can be extremely difficult. The waits are interminable. Trying to find doctors can be so difficult. I remember calling so many just to find they don’t take new patients. In the end, I was crying on the phone with our health insurer and they helped me get an appointment. Through the years, we have been helped both by family doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists. They are all an important piece of the puzzle. However, it shouldn’t be so hard to get help. And once you get help, it is important to find doctors that you are comfortable with – especially for therapy. Therapy can be highly effective, but it is important to have a good relationship. Sometimes I think mental illness is like an onion. It reveals itself in layers. While my daughter’s GAD was managed well with medicine through high school, her anxieties hit a debilitating level at the beginning of her sophomore year in college. She and we made the difficult decision to bring her home where she worked intensively to manage her OCD and anxieties. She worked really hard at it and I’m happy to say she is back at school. I have tried to be very open with family members so that we can all recognize signs of mental illness. There is definitely a DNA element because we have it on both sides and I think if we were all more open about it, we would recognize signs of it – in ourselves and others – and be able to get help sooner. Although I have not personally experienced mental illness, I live with two family members who do. It is good that they can share their struggles and triumphs. I can empathize with Ben – it can be really rough on the supporting family members. We have to be rocks when sometimes we feel like crumbling. I am glad you are doing well and thank you for sharing your story. It is so important for people to know that there is help available.
As everyone else has said, thank you so much for sharing your story like this. It still feels like there is such a stigma attached to mental health, that it can be hard to be completely honest about it, especially in such a public forum.
Many, many members of my family have had mental health problems, so it wasn’t really a surprise when I first experienced it at the age of 12. That first bout (and isn’t it so fitting to call them bouts? Like a mental boxing match) was probably the worst, and it was the only time I went on meds. Unfortunately, I had a pretty terrible reaction to most of the cocktails we tried. One made the depression go away, but also all other feelings as well, which was pretty dehumanizing. One actually made me MORE suicidal. Most of them made me put on weight (which does seem a slightly trivial thing compared to the rest of it, but certainly doesn’t help with the self-loathing).
Since then it’s something that comes and goes, normally about a year apart and usually lasting for 3-4 months. I’ve always resisted medication because of my really horrible experiences, although I know that’s quite unhealthy as well.
My biggest fear is passing this on to my future children. It seems to be pretty obviously genetic on both sides of my family, and though I desperately want kids, I sometimes wonder if it’s just irresponsible when I know the potential danger.
It sounds like you have an amazingly supportive partner in Ben Blair, thankfully I now do too. I got together with my boyfriend a few weeks after a bout of depression, during which he was the most loving and supportive friend I had. I wouldn’t say it’s the reason I wanted to be with him, but it definitely helped to know that he was someone who I could talk about anything with.
And really, I think talking is one of the most powerful tools we have against depression. Thank you again for talking.
Is it always this hard to get help? Yes, I think it probably is. Although in some cases, as understanding increases and stigma decreases, some of the barriers to getting help get lower (e.g., being able to get some medications for mental health straight from your family doctor). I was finally diagnosed with ADHD last year–at 33 years old! Reading a bunch of books and articles to try to understand what was going on with my son (who was also diagnosed) made me suddenly connect some dots and see a pattern in my own life (all these random things I struggled with were connected! It had a name! It wasn’t just me, unable to get my act together, struggling with things so many people didn’t think twice about—just that realization helped me so much). However, although my realization was nice, it was SO HARD to actually get from there to the point where help and medication were finally offered. You can’t just make an appointment for an ADHD evaluation–first you have to spend an hour filling out forms, questionnaires, histories, and paper tests. You turn those in, and then a week or two later they call and make an appointment for an actual evaluation with a psychologist. Then you wait for the appointment, and when it comes, you spend an hour talking to her about all the paperwork you just filled out as she asks you the exact same questions that were in the forms, but in person this time. Then you leave, and maybe a week or two later you finally get an appointment with the psychiatrist—who does the exact same thing! (If you don’t know, repetition, for someone with ADHD, is torturous!) Having worked in the mental health field, I understand and appreciate the desire to be thorough in diagnosing and cautious when prescribing brain-altering medications, but being on the other end makes me aware of how unfair it is to be placing the burden of proving the illness on a person who is already struggling enough to be finally seeking help. There needs to be some kind of intermediary or health advocate who is versed in the illness you are trying to get help with and can help to facilitate the process on your behalf in ways that you may not be capable of doing at that point in time.
even before this post i have always admired your bravery. you are so brave. i’ve followed you since your new york days and moving to different cities and countries, starting all of the big things you have started, raising healthy, respectful, and kind children. and sharing it all. i have to say even though i don’t know you, i feel so proud of you! thank you for being a beautiful example of what it means to be honest and brave. xoxo
Hi! I have to thank you for sharing your story.
Last summer I have experienced depression as well. Lots of things had happened and I was overwhelmed. I stil am. Doing better but still overwhelmed.
I am more aware of what I had experienced and more aware of signs I should look for. And still finding so difficult to fight it back on my own.
Welcome to the east bay (belated). We are in alameda. Thank you for being so open. I have many family members who suffer from various forms of mental illness. There has been so much misinformation out there on the issue. Creating an environment where people can feel even more alone and confused. I think posts written like this with honesty can help to open the doors for a bit more compassion from people who haven’t been around mental illness. Thanks for sharing.
I disagree with your statement in the Q&A about whether it is difficult to access mental health care. Unfortunately, it IS this difficult for many people, especially so for those living in areas where there is a dearth of adequate mental health care (i.e. doctors, therapists, social workers, etc). I’m not in mental health care myself but many of my academic colleagues are in social work, public health, and other related fields. The research is clear, it is a serious problem- there is not a magical process that you somehow missed out on, it can really be that difficult. Fortunately, the ACA now requires parity for mental health care- insurance companies now must cover mental health care. And mental health is now recognized as an “essential health benefit” for insurers. Regardless of someone’s politics, this is an awesome feature of the ACA that will help to address mental health care deficiencies in the U.S.
Thanks so much for posting about your experience. One day, hopefully in the near future, there will not be a fear or stigma to talk about depression. It’s an illness, like any other illness, that needs to be treated. You would never break a bone or have a sinus infection and not treat it. The same goes for depression, whether you treat it with medicine or therapy or both. I’ve been through this with my sister, while she was on the other side of the country and am still dealing with it with my father, who seems to think it’s weakness to get treatment, not realizing how much it effects the entire family. My husband and I have started openly discussing with our children how their grandfather is depressed, so that if it happens to them, they will recognize it. Another point to be made, my sister found out that she was terribly low in vitamin d and was prescribed a medicinal dose. She still needs medication, but found that raising her d levels up to normal has helped a great deal. It doesn’t hurt to have that d level checked.
Ben Blair seems like the dearest husband. And your “openness” sharing things with your husband from the start is so opposite of me. I curl up like a little potato bug when things start going awry and my husband has to dig the problems out. (He is also the dearest.) I’m glad you are doing better. So glad! :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Gabrielle. I’m half crying now and can’t believe I didn’t see this post yesterday. (Sometimes I worry that when there are already so many comments on a post, that mine will get lost in the shuffle! Silly, coming from a blogger!)
I’m so glad Wellbutrin works for you- me too! It is the medication I have been on the longest, though I have been in a slump lately anyway.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for over half my life and only since I started my blog in 2012 did I start to open up about it. Wow! I couldn’t believe the response to my depression-themed posts- ones on seasonal affective disorder, how my depressions affects my husband, the stigma of mental illness. Those readers expressed as much gratitude as I’m feeling toward you right now. You’re so well known in the blogging community and so respected, and that makes your candor and authenticity that much more meaningful.
As far as accessing care, I went eight years without medical insurance and moving around, so I experienced a lot of gaps in my treatment, and plenty of frustrating medication switches and wrong-for-me therapists. It’s such a gamble, not knowing what medication will work for each person! And mental illness is so common that I can’t believe so many of us still go through this madness, when so many other technological and scientific advances have been made. That sufferers should still be made to feel ashamed and guilty is a tragedy in itself.
And to go through this when you have children, I cannot imagine. I wonder how your depressions affected the rest of your family last year? (Ah, I just read your response someone else further up!) Hurray for understanding!
So many of the bloggers I read opened up about their depressions after I started following them. I am beyond grateful for this community, and thank you for holding space for this conversation to happen right now!
Much love to you and your continued wellness! xoxo
The part that angers me most is how difficult our healthcare system makes it to get treatment. And this post doesn’t even get into how expensive ongoing therapy is, and how almost NONE of it is covered by insurance. (I have Kaiser, which has extremely poor mental health services.)
Marriage counseling in San Francisco? $250 an hour.
Psychiatrist evaluation to get my Zoloft prescription? $295
Ongoing therapy? Counting my blessings that I was able to find someone excellent for “ONLY” $130 a week, out of pocket. Most of the other therapists I called charged $200-250 a session.
Post-partum depression basically bankrupted me, and my marriage.
Incredible post, Gabby. I suffer from depression as well and have reached points in my life when dying really felt like a solution. Thank you for opening this conversation and helping to destigmatize mental health issues.
p.s. Our RS had a lesson on Elder Holland’s talk on depression a couple weeks ago and it sparked such an amazing discussion. In the past it seems our culture perpetuated a “grin and bear it” attitude about mental health, but I’m so thrilled that seems to be changing. It’s because of strong people like you willing to share their stories!
Thank you for this brave and honest post. Just look at all the comments and see how your willingness to speak openly about such a difficult topic has had an immediate impact on so many people. You never cease to amaze! I’m so glad you’re feeling like yourself again.
Thanks so much for sharing this Gabriel. I think your story highlights one of my mantras: “you are not your feelings”. Feelings can be influenced by all sorts of things, outside circumstances, hormones, brain chemistry, other’s choices; and while we have a fair amount of control on how we react to and interpret feelings, sometimes the perfect storm arises and we have no control and they can control us and it can be very scary.
THIS is what The Internet is good for. Thank you for your courage and vulnerability, and for creating this space for others to do the same. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling normal again.
This helped me process the recent suicide of my brother-in-law. Depression has such complicated ramifications. And also, I am angry that it is hard to find access to mental health care sometimes. I had Medical Assistance while pregnant and for a few months postpartum. I developed postpartum depression–I wasn’t sad or even detached–just very easily overwhelmed. It came time to submit verifications for insurance and I couldn’t get it done, so my insurance was cut off, a few days after my first therapy appointment. Luckily, it has gradually gotten better on its own, but I have bad days and I am sure I’d benefit from medication and therapy, which I can not afford, still being uninsured. Anyway, thank you for sharing.
Hey,
How refreshing to read about your experience. I’m so happy for all of you that you’ve gotten your symptoms under control again. I’ve recently started openly discussing my own anxiety and mental health stuff and I realize that this conversation is quite necessary. There are still many who are suffering in silence with their families feeling helpless and alone. I’m relieved the conversation is becoming more mainstream and less judgy. Mental illness is tough, there is no obvious evidence for people to SEE and say “oh, I see you’re hurting, can I help?”. It’s also personal, and sneaky, and if we aren’t careful it can really cause damage.
I bet somebody reading your blog will recognize some of your experience, and maybe he or she will seek help when they realize it’s not normal to be in the fog for weeks, to be disinterested, sad and confused. I bet you will help get someone to the doctor.
Thanks for your candour, you made me feel empowered to care for myself without guilt. We are with you, Gabrielle.
Love from Montreal xo
you are a vulnerable champion and i thank you so much for your personal insight and story. i treat it kindly and hold it in my heart.
this situation is all around us and the ripples of this story go far beyond what we may expect…
thank you, gabrielle <3
Let me start by saying, thank you for sharing this. I truly believe that many people will benefit from it.
I wanted to briefly share my story in hopes that it might help others as well.
I had my daughter a little over five years ago. Everything went smooth until i decided to wean her at around 14 months. To be completely honest it really was not (ALL) my choice but rather the fact that by that point my milk production had drastically reduced. Shortly after weaning i started feeling extremely week and would wake up literally shaking , crippled with anxiety. This went on for a few weeks and things got really really severe . My daughter had to be taken to my mother in- law daily because i was terrified of not being able to care for her. I ended up in the emergency room about 2 weeks after my severe symptoms have started. They told me and i quote : WELCOME TO AMERICA ! and sent me home with absolutely nothing ( other than a 1900 dollar bill to pay) From the emergency room i went straight to the walk in clicic, where i finally found somebody who would show some kind of compassion toward me. They gave me medication for my anxiety, which i really did not want to take but i knew that just knowing that i had something to take would make me feel better. I woke up the next morning feeling terrible again, i took the medication and it did not help much.
AND THEN…..My friend suggested i 1: take a micronutrient test , where they check my blood for a long list of vitamins nutrients and minerals. 2: she suggested i go and get a b12 shot.
I ordered the test, got my blood drawn and sent it back to get it tested. i had to wait 3 weeks for the results. But it was NO problem to wait because just 1 day after getting a b12 shot i woke up happy, no shaking, no anxiety happy as can be. I kept up with the b12 going back very frequently at the beginning and than eventually settling for monthly shots.
When my results came in ( from the micronutrient test )i was shocked , i was majorly deficient in 9 different vitamins and nutrients , and was borderline in many of the others. My body was running on EMPTY. I was deficient in almost every form of the b vitamins ( b5 b5 b12).
I started the recommended regiment and slowly built myself back up ( while the anxiety, shaking , bad thoughts went away quickly getting stronger took a while) The sad part of it is that ,that terrifying 2 weeks of not being able to care for my daughter have forever been engraved in my head and till this they i have fears `( although i am completely happy and healthy) about having anther child and going through the same thing.
I am writing this post NOT ,by any means, to say that you don’t need medication. I know how helpful medications can be and how important they are and how sometimes it is the ONLY way.
I also believe that you have to look at the possible underlying causes as well and make sure that your body is fueled properly and working as good as it possibly can. I remember thinking that my friend , who suggested the test and the b12 shots, have pretty much saved my life. I really don’t know where i would be today without her guidance. I am hoping i can help somebody else as well. You had six children yourself and nursed them as well , that can take take a lot out of you, i believe. Especially if you don’t refuel and recharge properly.
Again i am not suggesting that you stop you medication but maybe run some test and see where you are and start supplementing if needed. You can even do it while on the medication so once you stop maybe it will be easier for you to go on without them.
Wishing you the very best! Thank you for sharing your story and helping others!
Thank you very much for this post Gabrielle. I really needed it right now. I’m two weeks short of the due date of my second child and what worries me most is not the delivery, the sleepless nights, the juggling of two kids; but the chance I will experience the depression that I had after the birth of my first child again. It was horrible, the worst thing I’ve ever been through and the fact that it might happen again terrifies me.
But having read your post, I realized I’m not alone. There is help out there; medication and emotional. And most of all, I made it through last time, like you, and I’m determined to again.
Thank you! I am in the middle of an international move at the moment and there are days when I just want to throw in the towel. I have done 8 international moves in the past 14 years but this is the first one with small kids and a major life change for me personally. This post has been extremely helpful for me!
Thank you for the post. I need to remind myself it isn’t my fault.
I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it is, and you are, for sharing this. I have too many thoughts swirling about it but I want you to know this post has the potential to save a life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish discussing mental health issues would like like teaching people about peanut allergies or Down’s Syndrome. Maybe one day it will be, thanks to your post <3
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What a wonderfully honest and brave post. I have no doubt you will help some of your loyal readers of which I am definitely one. I am also a therapist & have suffered from my own depression over the years particularly following the births of each of my children & during particularly stressful times. I will say that it can be difficult to find help despite there being a lot of help out there. If you’re not connected to a physician or know someone who knows where to direct you it can be like a needle in a haystack and I believe this is due to the ongoing stigma of mental health issues. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your struggle which certainly contributes to ending that stigma. I wish you all the best!
Thanks for this. I have been feeling like I needed to write my own story and reading yours was the kick in the butt that I needed to do it.
http://acowintheocean.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/the-worst-swear-word-ever-is-the-d-word/
Here is my story if you are interested in hearing it. I actually posted a link to yours in my blog, partly because I liked it and partly because I feel like our stories are quite different and show that not every situation can be dealt with the same.
Thank you so much for this beautiful and personal post. I have struggled with depression since 15 and have been in counseling 4 different times. But PPD was a totally different experience. I have 3 kids and each time it got so much worse. My baby is 19 months old and after she was born was the first time I used an anti depressant. It has been so helpful with all the “death thoughts” and I’m not sure when I will be ready to be done with the medication. And with the help of my doctor and husband, I realize that’s ok. I hope that as my baby grows, I will feel more like myself. But I also know that I will have highs and lows all my life too. And that’s hard but it’s ok too.
Thank you for being so open and honest. I’m glad you’re feeling better again!
What a blessing to read this today. My darling 13 year old just wrote me a note yesterday telling me he wishes he was dead and that he doesn’t know why but he thought I should know. This is totally out of the blue with no warning signs we could see. Panic! I didn’t even know where to start! After a long talk we assessed that he didn’t have a plan and wasn’t an imminent threat to himself…but we scheduled an appointment with his pediatrician and have an appointment with a therapist. It’s so scary and not knowing what to do is so overwhelming. Your description of how you felt sounds just like what he was telling me and it makes me think that I am on the right path and we are getting him the help he needs. Thank you for being so brave. You have no idea how much this helped today.