Have I told you about my crazy breasts? They are vastly different sizes. I am so lopsided that when I catch a glimpse of myself just out of the shower, I have to call Ben Blair to come witness the insanity (Ben! Come see! You will not believe this!!).
Why are they so lopsided? Well, it’s a boring story. Sometime after baby number two (I was approximately 26 years old), I found a large and painful lump in my right breast. When I consulted with doctors, the consensus was that it should be removed. So I had surgery. And happily, the lump wasn’t cancerous. But, during the surgery, my milk ducts on half my right breast were sliced through and they’ve never drained properly since. (In case you’re wondering, there’s no blame here. When making the cut, the doctor was doing his best to hide the scar and it is hidden beautifully. If I flashed you, you would never know I had breast surgery.)
So basically, this is what has happened with babies 3 through 6:
1) I get pregnant. My very flat chest swells to a B-cup. I take every opportunity to admire my new chest in the mirror.
2) Then the baby is born and starts to nurse. My milk comes in after a few days and I am temporarily transformed into an Amazon Woman with a rock hard rack. No one is allowed within 3 feet of me to prevent any accidental bumping of my super sore chest.
3) The baby nurses equally on both sides for about a week. At which point, the baby starts favoring my left side. After two weeks, you couldn’t pay the baby to nurse on my right side. So I use a pump to remove the milk from the right side for a few more weeks until my right side completely dries up. (Yes, I keep the pumped milk in the freezer. I use it to bake cookies for the neighbors. Kidding!)
4) For about a year — from 2 weeks after the birth until I stop nursing — I walk around with crazy lopsided breasts. Lopsided as in one is a C or D cup (depending on if the baby has eaten or not), and one is a double A. For those of you that aren’t flat-chested, I feel I should point out that double A sizing does not work the same way as double D. Double A is smaller than A. It’s like almost A. It’s that small. I am not kidding you. When I’m not nursing, I have to shop for bras in the training bra section.
Times when it’s problematic to have one size D breast and one size A breast:
1) During swim season. Like the month of July, for example.
2) When you’re bra shopping.
3). ALL. THE. TIME.
Actually, it’s not that bad. I have this fake boob (pictured here, because I know blog readers are a curious bunch) that I wear in my right side bra cup and it does a pretty good job of even-ing things out. It’s not perfect, but I’m hoping no one is staring that closely at my chest.
Also, I know that as soon as I wean, the left side will drop down to a double A again and Ill be back to my totally flat-chested self. Even then, they’ll never be a perfectly matched set, but they’re close enough. So this is a temporary craziness.
Anything else I want to add? Why yes. Three things:
1) Pretty much immediately after the surgery, my lump came back. Bigger and badder than ever. I get it checked regularly and it seems to be harmless enough. Although it does act as a reliable weather forecaster. Whenever I notice my lump aching, I know it’s going to rain. I’m totally serious. My breast predicts the weather. It’s a great party trick.
2) Doesn’t it seem like the reward for growing up with a flat chest in a society that values big boobs above all else would be perfect breast health? Me too. It’s unfair people. I call a redo.
3) If you meet me in person, don’t be afraid to check out my chest. I would do the same thing.
And that’s the story. So. What about you? When you want to share TMI on your blog, what’s your favorite topic. : ) Any other crazy nursing stories out there?
P.S. — I know this isn’t typical Design Mom fare, but it’s on my mind, and I thought you might indulge me. Also. My breast surgery left major bruising for weeks and weeks across my whole chest and had crazy after-affects as described above. My advice: don’t take any surgery lightly.
You are too much, Gabrielle! In the best way! The number of comments on this post is almost giveaway status. Seriously striking a chord! Xo…Linsey
Gabby,
I haven’t laughed like this in wayyy too long. You and Kacy just made my day. I’m totally flat chested too, so props for shopping in the training bra section! Next time I go, I’ll send you a silent shout out:)
Love the TMI. Maybe you should start a weekly column of “my TMI”. Just kidding (sort of). but they probably wouldn’t all be this funny.
On a more serious note, I’m so glad you’re OK and that you’ve not suffered any life-threatening issues from this lump of yours. Hopefully it’ll keep that way, and only act up when it’s going to rain. Maybe just be glad you don’t live in Seattle. Or Forks. :)
love,
nora
Love it! Thanks for sharing! I am always up for a conversation about boobs. After my second baby was born I found a lump in my arm pit. My OBGYN referred me to a surgeon, but it went away after a few weeks. It came back during my third pregnancy and had it checked out at the Breast Center at the University of Colorado Health Science Center in Aurora. They concluded that it was enlarged breast tissue. I asked for a biopsy, but they didn’t think it was necessary. They also said that a biopsy would cause the tissue to leak milk when I breastfed. It went away after a few months. Then during my fourth pregnancy it came back, and then went away. So I guess I have a third boob when I am pregnant. Fun stuff. By the way, I love my boobs when I am pregnant and nursing, and then they shrivel up and die once I ween. So not fair!
I so wish I had the time to read ALL the comments. Looks like you touched off a good one here! : )
I’m always lopsided, no lumps, just that way. Right side is a minimum of a 1/2 cup larger always. When nursing it’s worse. And of course the kiddos preferred the right. It consistently produced 2-3 times what the left (that slacker) was making.
Lookin’ at C to D cup ’round here. Suits me fine. Enough for show, but not so much as to be uncomfortable. Oh – and I don’t typically post TMI on my blog – most of my readers are my (older) relatives. : )
It’s not my boobs that are uneven, it’s my legs. One is about an inch longer than the other. Did you know Marilyn Monroe used to lop off an inch from one of her heels to get her trademark sexy walk? I have that natural hip shaking swagger because of the unevenness of the legs. But it also caused doctors to think I had scoliosis growing up.
Oh my gosh! I actually have scoliosis but I often wonder if uneven legs are the culprit! I definitely have that ‘sexy walk’ even if I try not to! I remember once in middle school a friend asked why I was walking ‘like that.’ I didn’t know what she was talking about, I was just walking my normal walk!
I had friends who told me to stop doing the sexy walk, too! Next time you go to your doctor have em check your leg length. They can do it pretty easy. It would be interesting to know how much different they are.
During my first pregnancy I had significant tenderness in my boob and armpit that I chalked up to just being pregnant. After delivery, there was a very large (very visible) lump in my right arm pit. It was giant and sore. I went in right away fearing the worst only to find out that my pit is full of breast tissue and that lump was milk. We called my right breast Super Boob because I could have fed the whole neighborhood with that one boob and it’s auxillary boob pit. It still gets tender with monthly changes and there has been talk about removing it because it is tough to mamogram an arm pit but it is staying there as surgery might affect the way things drain -glandularly speaking. It is not attractive but I can cover it up and when it is not engorged with milk you hardly see it!
I have foot surgery coming up next week. Now you have me worried. HOW am I ever going to be able to buy two different size shoes if one foot is smaller than the other?
Oh m gosh! I have three kids and TOTALLY experienced the same thing. Personally going from amazon, to lopsided amazon, back to nothing. I’ll take my tiny ta-ta’s any day! Thanks for sharing!
My second baby favoured one breast over the other which ended up with some minor lopsidedness. Not as drastic as yours however, I sympathize.
BUT, that remark about making cookies for your neighbours with the frozen breast milk….oh you crack me up! If I had been drinking I would have spit it all over my computer screen :)
How crazy life is! I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check on a lump on my right breast (I’m also currently nursing). Almost as if you needed to post this today, just for me, so that I could see that not all lumps mean I’m going to die. ;)
P.S. You have an eloquent and down-to-earth way of writing about things that to most seem uncomfortable. What a gift!
I have not laughed like this in a long time…I don’t know if that is what you are going for but you cracked me up….I think mostly because I was referencing this scene from mean girls (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/05/amanda-seyfrieds-breasts_n_450777.html)
I totally had while nursing a SUPER BOOB and a MILK DUD…I could pump like 6+ ounces out of one side and like a whopping 2 on the other…ha ha!
I will happily switch!! Ha!! I was a D cup and went to a Trip D cup when I was pregnant and they haven’t gone back down!! I’m sorry to the rest of the readers if this is all TMI but because they’re so big the fact that they’re different sizes are really noticeable!! ha! So I feel your pain…Just on the other side of the spectrum!!
You said that this wasn’t a normal post but I think it’s a great post…It’s definitely Mommy related!
Gabby, you’re killing me. What a hilarious post! I am pretty sure it’s normal to have two breasts of slightly different sizes. Nursing does crazy things to our boobs…
oh my goodness… I love you now even more than I did before! I love how transparent and human you are.
My breasts are lopsided fried eggs. I’m flat as a pancake now, to keep up the breakfast analogies, but during my hey-day of nursing #3, I took pictures of my naked, fabulous rack. They were gorgeous. Yes, it is amazing what the body can do!
And lopsided because neck-pain made nursing on the left so much more comfortable that I got lazy. Ah, well, flat and flatter did their job, and they are getting truly creative with bra padding – not like when I was 12, and ruined my posture trying to hide my lack of titties.
I love reading your blog. This blog, although probably not your intention, I found to be hilarious! The only other person I know who could write so wittingly was Erma Bombeck!
I have to admit, I was really excited at Victoria’s Secret years ago when the sales girl measured me and said I was a AA – because I thought it meant “almost B”… but then came the depressing news that I was miserably incorrect. But I like my small chest. At least people look me in the face when I talk to them! : )
I’ve never commented before, but I just have to say how much I love this post! I had a huge breast abscess after Baby #1 and had to have surgery (TWO WEEKS after I’d just had a surprise C-section…fun!), which in turn cut a bunch of milk ducts. I was super lopsided afterwards and bought one of those false boobs, too! Unfortunately, the surgery affected my milk production so we had to supplement. Now I’m pregnant with Baby #2 and I’m so curious about how breastfeeding will work with this little one. It’s SO good to hear that people have successfully nursed just from one side!!!
Thanks for posting about your breastfeeding experience..and here i thought i was the only one that had a power boob..I have named her “the producer”! When it happened with baby 1 i thought it was her thing and then it happened with baby 2 so now its just the way it is…i have an enlarged thyroid on the right side and i have heard that thyroid issues can affect milk supply. Where did you get your “stand in”?
i like the blouse – very pretty – where is it from
hehe dear you are not the only one – my left tit has always been bigger than the right one – Who knows why. though my baby ate equally from both
now my girlfriend, the new, fresh, 5-days-mom, just faced the same prob as you – the baby prefers the right tit and he accepts the left one only when he sleeps. what to do?
and about the pumping and freezing – i did freeze the milk when my baby was 2 months old and i had to go to work for 4-6 hours a day. so the part of pumped milk which he did not eat from the bottle, we were freezing. then either we defrosted and gave to my son in my absence or it helped when my artificially-fed 3-months-old niece had some infection through water and her stomach rejected any mixes or kefir or whatever, but she could easily digest my frozen milk.
Gabrielle,
Seriously, this is my most favorite post ever! You have explained the design of your breastfeeding breasts. So smart. And sharing experiences like this is so helpful to others! Thank you! I have feasted on the comments as well. Hope breastfeeding continues to go well!
Lovies – Tennessee Cassie
I think most women have issues with their breasts, whether they’re lopsided or perfectly even. I tried nursing for weeks (unfortunately, it never did “take” so I ended up pumping instead). Now that we’re through with the pumping, my breasts have gone back to their normal size but now they’re, um, no longer perky. They’re quite sad really. My husband insists he can’t tell but I think he’s just being nice.
Nice to know there are other small breasted women out there when it sometimes feels like I’m the. only. one. I have really come to appreciate my small breasts as I’ve gotten older (at the ripe old age of 22). ;) I am able to nurse my baby and enjoy bigger breasts for a little while anyways! My sister-in-law is a G and is hoping to have breast reduction surgery sometime in the next year (and she’s only 18). I would waaaay rather have small breasts than be physically uncomfortable with large breasts!
Thanks for sharing! :)
Oh boy–my jugs post delivery become ridiculously enormous and obscenely lopsided. I can’t relate to the tiny cup part but I can to the lopsided part!
You are hilarious; I love that you posted this. I am a D only by bandsize trickery (I buy a smaller bandsize so that as the elastic relaxes the bra still fits; the same size cup is categorized as larger as bandsize gets smaller) and while I’m not an A or an AA I definitely struggle with feeling not-voluptuous-enough every now and then. I appreciate this real-life post!
A little secret that might help you or others during swim season: Lands’ End makes mastectomy swimsuits for women with uneven breasts. Might be a good investment:
http://tinyurl.com/mastectomyswim
I am so glad to hear that other people have these same problems. I am always really lopsided, but when I breastfed my second daughter she only liked the larger breast. I swear it was 3 times bigger than my smaller C cup. I started referring to it as my “Stripper Boob” – it really looked like I decided to have gigantic implants but chickened out after the first! The Stripper Boob kept her fed all on her own without having to supplement for a year, so I guess I shouldn’t complain!!!
Lol, Gabrielle, I had to look back up top to see what blog I was on (I clicked onto yours and then got distracted for a while). Funny and O.M.G. all at the same time. My favorite kind of writing. Sorry about the boob. Mine have never gone back to their original size, pre-nursing. I miss the old boobs…
Thanks so much for sharing so honestly! I’m sorry to hear that you have had breast health pain and trouble, but really appreciate your openness and perspective!
I agree with all the ladies above—great post and oddly rewarding, refreshing, unique. Thanks for throwing us that curve ball! Loved it.
I love this post! Thank you. But this is coming from someone who lives with this issue – all the time! I have a right breast that’s training-bra size and a left one that’s almost a C. Add pregnancy and breastfeeding on that and the left side doubles. I think most people probably think I have had surgery of some kind to remove my right breast – it’s that bad. My right breast just never developed. I pumped and breastfed out of my left breast only with my daughter and supplemented with formula when she started losing weight. It was very hard work for me and I did not breastfeed as long as I’d intended, but I gave it my best shot and intend to do that when my son is born in October. Thank you also for mentioning you would have zero guilt about supplementing, if it came to that. There are a lot of us out here who wish our bodies would allow us to do what we’re told should be natural and normal. And we listen and read about others who criticize our solution to ensuring our children thrive! Sometimes, it’s not really a choice. (P.S. Where did you get your bra stuffer? I’ve tried tons of different products. A lot of them make me break out in a rash, since I have really sensitive skin. Thanks again! Been reading for over a year now, but I loved this.)
I feel your pain. I nursed my daughter for a year and wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. As an added bonus, it was the first time in my life I had any need of a bra bigger than a band aid. Now one nipple is at 2 o’clock and the other is at 10. Usually I’m too busy to do any adjusting but sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window and shudder. I wish my girls could do something cool like predict the weather.
Gabby, you are so awesome. Thanks for making me laugh all day yesterday!
Just a warning, you got fark.com’s attention. Just be prepared for possibly the worst.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I actually have this EXACT problem. I had breast surgery at 19 and had no idea it would affect nursing. Your story is mine. Even the nursing for a few weeks on the bad side and then refusing it. And that’s about when I went shopping for an insert with baby number 2. Isn’t it nice to know we’re not alone?
I once went nursing bra shopping, asked for a size A (yep, even when nursing, I only plump up to an A – and I am thrilled!), and was LAUGHED at by the saleswoman. She told me, “Oh, honey, NO ONE is a size A when they’re nursing.” Really?! I wanted to punch her in the head. Instead I never returned to that store. While nursing, I have to wear front closure, regular bras (and padded, so I look like the baby’s mother and not a 12-year old boy), because there are no nursing bras that work for me. It is sad. Thank you for sharing your story, and letting me share mine.
Oh man, I have so many issues with what I used to consider my very rad rack now that I’m done having babies and done breast feeding. The good news is that my husband is a plastic surgeon and I am FOR SURE going to have them at least lifted from their current National Geographic-like state (not by him, but by someone he recommends). Maybe for my 40th birthday gift to myself (still two years away sniff).
Wow! Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had all day! Amen for honesty and for a husband and wife to have humor through the sacrifices. Seriously, I’m sending this link to my sisters and closest girlfriends. While I’ve never had a surgery and never will assuming no lumps, my children have all been breastfed for about two years. Errrrgo…double A, and I can almost just tuck them in to my pants and avoid a bra altogether. Sad but true. But actually, I think one is a real A, so I have the lopsided thing going on as well.
Wow your story is a near mirror image of my situation. At 27 my right nipple became increasingly irritated (out of the blue- no kids mind you) and was releasing a disharge from the gland. Ultrasounds and mammograms cleared me of cancer but my nipple continued to grow larger and with great pain. A surgeon was able to correct the nipple and made the two identical again but it left me with 2 pitifully functioning glands in my right breast.
Now 7 years later I’m nursing exclusively on one breast and baby is as healthy as a horse. I do look forward to not being lopsided though. Thank goodness for understanding husbands…I’m harder on myself over the inbalance.
Why isn’t anyone asking where you got that fabulous shirt???
I have only had one baby, but she preferred one side over the other while nursing, and now one breast is permanently smaller than the other. I am wondering if I can even things out if I have another baby, by focusing more on the weaker side.
Thanks for sharing this. I think the fake boob does a great job.
And why is it that even if you try on a top in a size 2 it is STILL! meant for a D cup?! Shouldn’t it be big top = big boobs, little top = little boobs? Try as I might to embrace the little boobs, it can be a challenge when shopping for clothes.
When I weight the weight I am spsd too (15-20 lbs less) my chest goes from a nice B to a Double A so I am always asking myself which one I think I want….although one involves eating baked goods so I am pretty sure you know which one I picked! :)
I also nursed my second baby on one breast, her preference. Then I got pregnant with twins and really hoped not to feed them both on one breast! They showed no preference thankfully.
Great post! And I too could once predict the rain by a lump in my breast. Had a lump found (2 actually) when I was in my early 20’s. Both were benign but they predicted changes in the weather for years – until they disappeared. ‘Funny’ too about them. My whole body, except for my left breast, was covered by my health insurance for a little over a year. I had a party when my left breast was once again covered by insurance.
Here’s a post I did for those on the OPPOSITE side of the problem! So here’s some tmi for someone with big tatas in a cute tata world: http://catchthewindow.blogspot.com/2009/04/overcompensating.html
I feel your pain, just more constantly, and usually in my upper shoulders and lower back!
okay, seriously? i didn’t know about the double A business! and i need to because i’m pretty sure that is my size! i’ve been going with camisole tanks under my clothes all summer (which covers the baby belly a bit too) but I never thought about the training bra section. that’s brilliant! (as is, I must say, the fake boob )
I loved this. I personally don’t enjoy being large-chested while nursing; my pants already don’t fit post-pregnancy, and then to top it off my shirts don’t fit either. It seems like it should be a fun change, but it’s hard to enjoy the temporary hugeness when I’m distracted by so many other things that come with mothering a newborn.
I used to be somewhere between an A and a B cup. After my second child weaned my chest got smaller and smaller until I finally bought a training bra which was still too big but at least it has a little padding. I never minded being small-chested, but small-chested plus saggy can be a little depressing. But it is all pretty funny when you think about it. And, of course the kids are worth it.
Great post, Gabrielle! You’re like the girl at the end of the movie ‘Mean Girls’ who also uses her breasts to predict the weather: “It’s like a fifth sense!” (Someone else in these almost 200 comments may have already said this, I haven’t read them.)
As for TMI on the blog…just today I began my series on when I had an abdominoplasty last October. Fun stuff.