This Is Forty

matteo montanari for d la repubblica delle donne

By Gabrielle. Image by Matteo Montanari for d la repubblica delle donne.

So. I didn’t mention it last week, but on Saturday it was my birthday. I feel odd about mentioning my birthday on the blog. With a forum like Design Mom, I’m lucky, because I get kind comments and emails from readers regularly, so it somehow feels greedy if I mention my birthday, as though I’m hoping for special greetings. But now that’s it’s over, I want to talk about it. Because it was a big one. I turned 40!

I’ve been thinking about this birthday for awhile. Forty has a reputation for being a difficult birthday, and I wanted to avoid feeling bummed out. I figured if I made a good plan in advance, I wouldn’t be caught off guard when the big day arrived. The idea of a mid-life crisis is really discouraging to me, and I think I’m actively trying to avoid it if at all possible.

So in January of this year, when I was working on New Year’s Resolutions and plans for 2014, I put some thought into my birthday. What did I want to do? Have a big party? Go on a trip? Accomplish a goal? Get in good shape? Make a list of 40 things I could do to commemorate the day?

I pondered possibilities over a few days and the thought that kept coming back to me was: grooming.

What do I mean by grooming?

Well, I mean actual grooming. Hair and nails and skin care and makeup and shaved legs and the whole thing.

I guess I feel like by 40, I should have long mastered grooming. But instead, there are many days where I see my nails and think, “Really? You’re not embarrassed of yourself?”  Or I’ll attempt a certain eye makeup technique for a big event, and get it totally wrong and remember that I’ve never properly learned to do makeup. Or I’ll leave the house for a late night errand, wearing something that essentially communicates I’ve given up on life (which I haven’t, so I shouldn’t be communicating that). Or I’ll want to wear a certain skirt, then have to pick an alternate outfit because I didn’t make time to shave my legs.

On some days, I get it right. But on lots of days, I don’t. None of this is terribly important, none of it is even remotely life or death, it’s just that I assumed that I would have mastered these basic tasks by the age of forty.

So my initial idea for celebrating my fortieth year was to master grooming. To look and feel as good as possible every day of my fortieth year. To make consistent hair appointments, to dedicate enough time every morning to properly get ready for the day, to remember to reapply lipstick as needed. I could even have my teeth straightened, which I’ve wanted to do for years! Stuff like that. And I still really like that idea, but it lead to a related idea that I think I like even more.

I’m consistently intrigued with conversations about women and beauty and identity. How we view ourselves. The image we project to others. How and when we feel beautiful, and why we sometimes (and sometimes often) don’t feel beautiful. What we’re willing to do to achieve a certain identity or beauty ideal. And how it all relates.

When we moved to France, Ben Blair didn’t have a beard and had never had a beard. At some point, while we lived there he had a few days of facial hair growth and was about to shave, but we had a conversation. I was curious. I said, “So you’re able to grow a beard, but you’re never going to grow one? Don’t you wonder what it would be like or how you would look?”

And I guess he did wonder. Up to that point, he wasn’t against growing a beard, he just found the process was too itchy, so after a few days, he would shave. But after our conversation, he spoke with our favorite pharmacist (who happened to be bearded), and the pharmacist recommended several options to deal with the itchiness, and they worked, and Ben Blair suddenly had a beard.

Turns out, Ben liked it so much, that he hasn’t shaved it since!

When I started thinking about grooming and beauty and identity I remembered Ben’s beard experience, and thought to myself, well, It’s possible for me to go blonde, like Gwen Stefani (age 44, btw) white blonde. And I’m just never going to try that? What if I like myself better as a blonde. Or what if I like how people respond to me?

Or, I could shave my head and wear dark, heavy eye makeup and have a completely different, much edgier look, and I’m never going to try that either? I find that look really appealing. Maybe I would love it in the same way Ben likes having a beard. The idea of having a look that isn’t typical of a mother of six is appealing to me.

Or maybe I should try a really sharp, short bob — sort of Japanese style (similar to the image at top). My hair wouldn’t do it very well on its own, but I could wear a wig. There are whole sections of the population that wear wigs regularly (think: Beyoncé). I always covet that sharp bob look. Why not adopt it for myself?

I want to say here that I realize my ideas are not quite the same thing as the beard. A beard is a natural human body process, but bleaching hair or putting on heavy eye makeup is not. But you get the idea. In this day and age we have a lot of control of how we look. I dye my grey hair and have done so since my mid-twenties. I wear contacts on some days instead of glasses. I choose specific clothes, consciously or subconsciously, so I can portray a certain look and receive a certain response from the people I encounter. We all do.

So my second idea was to use this year, my fortieth year, to experiment with beauty and identity. And then to discuss these topics here on the blog. I could try on several different looks — change them up every month or every quarter or whenever it makes sense. Maybe I could make videos — time lapse recordings of me transitioning from one look to another. I could talk about how I feel with each look. How my kids respond. How strangers respond.

Some of the looks might require lots of daily grooming, but another time, I could experiment and see what it’s like to wear no makeup, and do the least amount of grooming (while still being healthy), and see what happens if I do that over several weeks. Do people respond to me differently? Do I feel less confident or beautiful? What if I have to speak at an event? Would I still be committed enough to wear no makeup? And if I’m spending less time on grooming, do I use that freed up time productively, or do I use it to watch more Netflix?

I’m not totally sure how to go about the second idea. Do I start with something dramatic like going blonde? Do I make a plan of all the different looks I want to try this year? Or just decide as I go along? Will I need to change up my wardrobe for every new look? Do I progressively cut my hair shorter and shorter until I buzz it at the end? I’m not sure yet.

I’m in Salt Lake City for Alt Summit, and happen to have a hair appointment today. Maybe I should do something simple to start things off — like get bangs cut.

We’ll see. It’s easy to type, but making physical changes actually takes some guts (at least for me). Even simple things like bangs can feel like a huge change and take some time to get used to.

Okay. That was a long post. Thanks for sticking with it, because I’d really love your thoughts and feedback. What do you think of the idea? Would you find it interesting to see someone (me) try on completely different looks for weeks at a time over the course of a year? Do you have any interest in discussions about beauty and identity and grooming and how we perceive ourselves? Is this an important conversation to you? Should I cut bangs today, or should I wait and do something more extreme for the first change? Have you ever thought of changing your appearance in a significant way? Let me know if this post sparks any ideas for you!

P.S. — For my actual birthday, at my request, we kept it really low-key. I didn’t want a party, I didn’t want any gifts. We thought about going out, but it suddenly felt like a lot of pressure, like it had to be fabulous since it was the big 4 0. So I decided to go super laid-back instead. Ben and the kids made breakfast in bed and sang happy birthday, which was delightful, but other than that it was a normal Saturday. Errands and laundry, and prepping for Alt Summit. I didn’t even Instagram that day! : ) For those of you who have had landmark birthdays (30, 40, 50, etc.), did you feel pressure to do something big?

158 thoughts on “This Is Forty”

  1. Happy Birthday! I just turned 40 last week, too! On the 7th, though. Anyway, I totally get what you’ve said here. I quit coloring my hair a few years ago and have gone totally gray, which isn’t too bad because I’m quite silver. It’s striking and people are often amazed that it’s natural. I also pierced my nose! I’ve wanted to do that for 20 years! My 30s were rough – I almost died a couple of times because of a chronic health condition. It’s not going away, so I’ve decided to do a few things that seem dumb, but make me happy, like piercing my nose. Our media culture works so hard to send us the message that our life is over at 40, but personally, I feel like I’m going through a growth spurt! I care less and less about pleasing other people and more about living a satisfying and meaningful life as I define it. I focus more on important relationships – I am married and have three kids – and doing things that I enjoy with those people. I think the 40s are going to be a lot of fun!

  2. I got braces when I was 27 and it was the best money I ever spent, until I got LASIK last fall. Now that was a game-changer! I almost felt like I was paying for a miracle! Personal grooming is a funny thing. I’ve always considered myself low-maintenance in that fake nails on me would be laughable and I keep my makeup fairly natural-looking. But I would never NOT wear makeup at all! I think for me there’s just a fine line between looking nice and put together and wasting time and money (and worry) on something that isn’t that important to me.

  3. What a great topic! I would love to see whatever you decide to do and follow the conversation covered here. I recently have stopped wearing as much makeup (only mascara and lip balm) and really like this low-maintenance style. But now and then, when I’m around others with more make up, I feel a little shy about it, like I’m letting myself go or something!

    I also second JulieG’s statement above on embracing the grey – I stopped dying a few years ago and also find it pretty liberating. And I do like it. Most of the time. :) People’s reactions have been interesting though. Especially my mom who still dyes her hair. Now I have more gray hair than her!! (is it gray or grey? I never know:)

    I do actually love beautifully applied make-up and admire those who do it well. Whatever you decide, this will be a fun topic!

  4. Happy Birthday! I’m 37 and I’m already wondering how i will feel about my 40th. In regards to grooming, I tend to be pretty low maintenance but clean. :) I’ve been growing my hair to donate. Now that it’s long enough I was thinking about getting bangs, for the first time, when I cut it shorter but part of me wants to get a pixie cut that will work for my fine, curly/wavy hair. I’m not sure what will look good on me. That’s one thing I hope will happen as I get older…that I will better know what works for me instead of just feeling critical of myself and lacking confidence to really experiment. Almost 3 years ago, after the sudden death of my younger brother, I got a memorial tattoo for him. He was covered with tattoos. I got it on my forearm so I would see it all the time. I decided to just go big so I’m slowly getting a sleeve on my right arm. For me that’s been a great exercise in not caring what others think. It’s amazing work so many love it but I get the occasional nasty looking stare. I’m an acupuncturist so I tend to not be around people that are judgemental about those types of things but there’s so much advertising of myself that comes with having a successful private practice, that I have to seem accessible to people. It’s an interesting balance.

  5. Happy birthday! I completely hear you, having the same thoughts about how I look and feel and take care of myself. And in April this year I have turned 40, as well.
    The first thing I have tried to change is to go with the bangs, and I am very happy with the result. I also had an urge to do something or change on me. So far I am focused on grooming (don’t beat yourself here, because it is hard with kids, but still nice to try and be consistent about it. If you every come up with a routine how to be constantly groomed, please let me know.), eating well, exercising. I am also experimenting more with clothing and try to put myself outside of comfort zone and see how I feel about it. For example, sometimes I will wear something that is not me. And even I feel uncomfortable at the beginning I keep telling myself that it is OK and even if I’ve made a mistake and look foolish, who cares… I am just a a dot in the universe and no one really cares. And most of the time I get compliments.

    That is great that you are trying to discover a new person in you and to put yourself out of your comfort zone. Good luck with that and I can’t wait to see what you do. Enjoy 40s, they are truly about discoveries. xo

  6. Go for it! Though I will admit that I am a reader that probably wouldn’t enjoy a huge focus on it on your blog.

  7. Happy Birthday!

    Thanks for talking about how you present yourself (grooming) and identity. When I was growing up, I used my grooming to make statements whether it be cutting my hair shorty (myself), dying it all sorts of colors (including black…I SWORE it looked fantastic), putting hemp and thread wraps in my hair, sewing patches all over my clothes and wearing things that I knew were different and that would get attention. At the same time, I was a pretty serious dancer, so I couldn’t do too much that was crazy because I still had to be able to look like everyone else in a specific dance piece. I was never actually stylish…more just making decisions about my outer looks to challenge other people to see past them. I wasn’t necessarily doing it for me. It was more of a statement. While I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that, it takes a lot of work and eventually caused a lot of unnecessary conflict in my life. While in college, I toned things down a bit, but still tried to branch out in fashion. I don’t think I was ever that successful. Most of the time I ended up in jeans and a t-shirt.

    I am now 31 and a mom of twin 2-year old boys. I can feel myself sinking into the stereotype of the mom who halfway gives up on her outward appearance. I’m not saying that I don’t take care of myself, it’s not really that. It’s just that I’m in a rut. A lot of my clothes still fit, but not really like they used to, if that makes sense. I feel like I have to do different stuff to my hair and skin than I used to. I know this is all a part of maturing and growing, but it kind of took me by surprise.

    All of this is to say that I’m also searching for my adult look now, in clothes as well as grooming. I love the idea of looking for such a thing and not just going with what I have just because I have it and it would take work to change. I have just signed up for Stitch Fix (where I live, there are usually two choices in clothing: clothes for teenagers or retirees). I’m super excited about that. I’m also interested in getting something like Birch Box or another surprise box in the mail to get me to go outside of my comfort zone. I hope to see some of your journey as well.

  8. I read a quote recently that said “People are going to judge you anyway so do what you want” and I found that to very comforting on days I want to experiment with my look and also when I have to run into the grocery store after yoga looking like a hot mess. I say find something that speaks to you and then go for it. The good news is you can always change it or keep it depending on how you feel.

  9. I have read that women who pride themselves primarily in their appearance can have the most difficult time with aging. Women who pride themselves most in their personality, their kindness, or their accomplishments can have an easier time with aging as a result. I’ve even read articles that claim the sister generally thought of as ‘less attractive’ grows older with more ease and finds herself helping the beautiful sister out of a serious mid life slump. These topics are very interesting to me and really speak to how women’s appearance is still often her defining characteristic even in our ‘modern’ society.

  10. I think all of these are great ideas! Transformation is an amazing and unpredictable thing. When I was 43 I decided to stop dyeing my hair for health reasons. I was feeling generally frumpy and unattractive anyway so I thought, ‘why not?’. I was quite gray, so in order to not have the big skunk stripe, I just cut my long hair off to about an inch. At first, the stark contrast made me feel a decade older, but as it grew back out I began to really like the gray. I felt like I actually looked fresher with it and began to feel better about myself and my appearance than I had in years. I began salsa dancing again, which is all about owning and showing your femininity. Now, a couple of years later, I have a long mane of silver hair and I generally feel great about my appearance. I don’t always dress to the nines and I frequently go without makeup ( I live in Portland, OR where that’s often the norm) but I do usually put something on that is complementary to my body type. Not to brag, but I’ve had many people, strangers and friends, give me very sweet comments about my appearance, and I get lots of attention from men.
    My take-away from this is not a new one, but it was a powerful lesson for me. As I felt more attractive and happy with myself, other people overwhelmingly responded the same way. I’ve seen this over and over with friends.
    As you do this project I’d love to have you address that part of it–how do you feel about yourself during the transitions and how do you think people are responding accordingly? I’m really looking forward to hearing about your experiences!

  11. I also turned 40 this year and last year decided to let my hair grow long again. After having my son I’ve worn it shorter but it was always long when I was younger. So that was my attempt at a more youthful look, even if only to myself. I also lost weight and got more focused on long term health and the food we eat. Oh, and I did get braces. I highly recommend it, the new ones are fast and not as noticeable. I did feel the pressure to do something big for the day/week, but it worked out for us to be pregnant instead. So that is my turning 40 project, a much wanted, wished and hoped for second child. : ) I would be very interested in a series on changing looks and perceptions of beauty for 40 year olds or women in general. Super interesting.

  12. Hello Gabrielle, I love your courage and honesty, always, and in particular in this post.

    I have always been against the classical feminine beauty, and I have always been a tomboy, hating vanities and blablabla…
    I think that sometimes we love to have strict ideas (or images) about ourselves, and consequently put ourselves in some “prisons” (roles in families, or roles with friends, but even esthetically), and we tend not to change, sometimes because it’s comforting to stay the same.
    So, if you/we need change, i think it’s a great thing, it’s a sign of liveliness, of love for life!

    I am 35, (but I feel inside like I am 25) I have no kids, a Boyfriend and I run a beautiful farm in Italy, and my life is not quite glamorous: in the country it’s impossible to be glamorous and groomed.
    Anyway, personally, even if I was the tomboy, the more I get “older” the more I appreciate some care (or grooming, as you graciously put it): I recently discovered, a little shocked, how comforting can be to have a nice manicure, in the middle of a hard day, for example… to look at my hands and find them nice!
    It can sound stupid, but it’s true.

    Feminine beauty can be a prison, ( how society consider women can be hard to sustain), but beauty is a part of us, and as long as we respect this part of us, and do it for ourselves, I think it can be only good for our soul.

    So, especially when my day is quite hard, working phisically in the farm, sometimes I get a small boost of comfort/joy, if i have a nice bracelet, if I am decently dressed etcetc : I think this is not just vanity, it’s just some attention to ourselves, some love to us, it’s dedication to our body and soul, and not neglecting them.

    I really like the idea of caring for ouselves, and I really think you should go for it (especially as a mother of so many kids: you need some space and care just for you, you deserve it!!).
    Love
    Ippo

  13. Catherine Hoskin

    Dear Gabrielle,
    HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY!
    To some degree, our lifestyle choices have to dictate our personal grooming habits. I always start the day out with a little lipstick and eye shadow. I keep my finger nails short, clean and unpainted because I am always doing things with my hands that chip the pretty pink nail polish I would love to wear. It’s just not practical unless I’m going somewhere special.
    I hope this 40th year of your life brings you a new hairstyle, and many new things for you to share with your readers about beauty, parenting tips, good food and the ever so important social issues we all encounter each day.

  14. I love this post! I have been considering taking my blonde hair to a shade more of its now color, which I think is more brown than blonde….I have deemed this year-my 33rd year as my Power Year. Both personally and professionally I have made changes this year, on a personal appearance note I made an apt to finally have two moles removed-one of which was on my face and quite large and I was very scared to have it removed-It was SO worth it. And I also recently took up running-I have been training to run a 5k-which is finally this Saturday. I can honesty say that changes to ones appearance can do wonders for the way you view yourself. Good luck with your Power Year ;) 40 is the new 29.

  15. I’m 34 and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially as there seems to be a shift nowadays to be more “groomed” in general, which involves a lot of upkeep–i.e., so many younger people I know have lasered off their hair in certain areas, get weekly manicures, etc. (Side note: it aggravates me that I have a female friend who said she has to get manicures to look professional for work–how many of the men she works with are doing this, let alone thinking it?? Shouldn’t the fact that her nails are clean and trimmed be enough?) While on the one hand I think people should do whatever they want, I do wonder if this time couldn’t be better spent? One of the joys of growing older for me has been discovering that I’m influenced so much less by trends and outside pressure. I’m much more comfortable deciding exactly what I want to do with my hair, wardrobe, etc. (and my time!), and not caring what others think. I’m starting to ramble, but I also cut my hair as short as yours when I was living in France 14 years ago, and I remember that the first thing I noticed was that all the catcalls I used to get on the street stopped (and I changed nothing else). While on the one hand, this was very welcome, on the other I felt like I had cut off some key part of my femininity, which was an interesting feeling and observation.

  16. this is so interesting! as i turned 40 last month, i too have been more focused on “beauty” or i would say self care, both inside and out! i try to be more physically active, especially since i have desk job, eat healthier, less meat more veggies and much more diligent about my beauty routine. in fact, i am right in the process of getting my teeth whiten! honestly, i don’t look old. in fact people have mistaken me for a high schooler so i really chalk it up to taking better care of myself and feeling good about it.

  17. I think it’s a mistake to think that any of us will ever “master” anything. Life is a process of constant growth and change. Even people that we think of as masters of their craft are constantly seeking to grow and change. Did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs quit when Apple and Microsoft got huge? Look at the progression of the work of Picasso and Matisse. Mind boggling!

    I think that, hopefully, what we will KNOW by the time we’re 40, is ourselves. I think that what we hope to HAVE by 40 is the strength to advocate for ourselves. Maybe, what we will “master” by 40 is the ability recognize our own need for growth and change and the ability to roll with it when it comes along, without caring so much what other people think.

    Just one thing… NO BANGS! :)

    Happy Birthday!

  18. Interesting! While I can see the appeal of trying new things, I find it mildly ironic that THIS was your solution–dramatic, intense changes in your look–to avoid a mid-life crisis. Isn’t completely changing the way you look, and in turn the way others view you, in that category in some way?

  19. What an interesting post; personal grooming and birthday celebrations! I’ve always leaned more towards the “natural” side of beauty regimes since wearing full on makeup has always made me feel like a clown, and lipstick – yuk! I feel like that just makes my lips look even smaller. That being said, there are times I wish I could do a glamorous smoky eye or rock a little cat like eyeliner and I just don’t feel comfortable even trying. I am a natural red head (auburn to be specific) and was really hoping that old wives tale of red heads going gray later would prove to be true, sadly not the case for me. While I think I would be ok with a natural gray (hopefully silver) look, it’s the grow out process that would just irk me so color it is. Add to that skin care and even as a “natural” women I feel like my annual budget is pretty hefty when waxing and nails get added in. Not sure I can justify much more money let alone time.

    Now birthday celebrations – that’s a whole other story. I don’t enjoy birthday celebrations. I don’t like the expectation that I should be treated special that day (or week) to honor my presence on this earth. I don’t want to be disappointed when my spouse or other family fail to meet some trumped up image in my head of how I should be celebrated because it’s my birthday .. only to have them fail miserably and therefore make me feel unloved or cared for … or worse yet, that I don’t matter. As the planner in my family it’s easy to be disappointed when others don’t invest the same effort that you do. I sort of think this is carry over from some bad birthdays as a kid so for the most part birthdays are kept pretty low key. For the big milestones my go to has been travel. For the past two “zero’s” I was in Hawaii and sort of thinking that will be the perfect place to be for the next zero in 3 years.

    Yet again another great, thought provoking, post!

  20. This paragraph made me laugh out loud:

    “I guess I feel like by 40, I should have long mastered grooming. But instead, there are many days where I see my nails and think, “Really? You’re not embarrassed of yourself?” Or I’ll attempt a certain eye makeup technique for a big event, and get it totally wrong and remember that I’ve never properly learned to do makeup. Or I’ll leave the house for a late night errand, wearing something that essentially communicates I’ve given up on life (which I haven’t, so I shouldn’t be communicating that). Or I’ll want to wear a certain skirt, then have to pick an alternate outfit because I didn’t make time to shave my legs.”

    Because I have totally been there. Like, a million times.

    I had a similar goal this year. I wanted to put an effort into my appearance and be consistent in my style. That said, I dyed my hair pink recently. I’ve wanted to forever and finally decided to go for it. I love it and I think it might be staying for awhile. Having “a look” really appeals to me and I think it makes the day-to-day so much easier. I know I have to shave, iron a shirt, pick out pants or a skirt, curl my hair, apply makeup (light foundation, eyebrow pencil, mascara, blush) and pick out shoes. And, the best part? I know I can do it in an hour and I can easily choose clothing while shopping.

  21. Great post! I just turned 30 on Friday and am thinking a lot about what I want to do this year. So many possibilities! I also just relaxed for this milestone birthday. My daughter made me a hot pink cake :)

  22. I am myself when I am blond but I am a big fan of changing things up (I have 4 tiny kids so sometimes I have to look inward to be adventurous) and I have had several different colors in the past. I reeeeeally want to try red but am moving in a month and I sort of want people to meet me as a blond and go red later. I guess, I just want to give new people my best most genuine me and that is definitely blond but maybe I am just over thinking too much.

  23. A few years back – somewhere in my 40s! which, btw, will be some of the best years you’ll ever have – I went blonde because it was easier to cover grey with blonde than to keep trying to cover it up with dark! And, now, after almost 6 years of being a serious blonde, I am still surprised it is me when I hear someone describe me as being blonde. And, since I love surprises, it’s great fun! Happy birthday and enjoy the good years ahead!

  24. Hi Gabrielle,

    I haven’t posted here in a while but I continue to read your blog. I just wrote about turning 40. If you recall, my daughter had cancer, and last month upon turning 40 I caught myself feeling down about wrinkles and other things. Then a month later she turned 10 and it put the whole thing in perspective. You can read the whole thing here: http://shelleyabreu.com/2014/06/13/thoughts-on-turning-40/

    I realize this isn’t exactly what you are talking about, and I too find the topic of beauty and identity to be compelling. For me, I think being 40 is an age where one should feel more comfortable in their own shoes so I guess that means you might have more confidence to experiment with your beauty. Above all, have fun. As long as it’s fun and makes you feel good, that’s what is important!

  25. I would LOVE to follow you along on this adventure. Every time I engage in a conversation about beauty and image in our culture, I feel like I am a better person for delving into the questions and depth. I think you should pick four or five different looks to try out and give yourself flexibility to add or subtract as the project goes forward. I would particularly love to hear about going make-up free at an event like ALT and what sort of reactions you receive.

    I know however you choose to go forward with the experiment, it will be delightful to follow the journey. I hope you decide to do it!

  26. Oh, I too just turned 40! I never could decide what to do for my birthday so in the end we kept it low key. I don’t regret that but I do think about getting away by myself or with my sister. Quiet time is always appreciated! Maybe before the year is out.
    I feel the same way about never actually learning how to do these things, and I’d like to teach my daughter some day about the ways in which to go about them. Also, I want her to be proud of me, you know, when she gets to be a teenager. Or at least give it my best shot, because right now, I’m not giving it my best shot.

    One of the most extreme things I’d like to do (without my dd knowing until she were an adult) is to have my eyelids lifted, because genetics are weighing them down big-time! Like if I wore eyeshadow you’d never know it! Maybe this is going too far?

  27. I turned 40 two years ago, and I, too, decided to master something I’d always wanted to do, and it was body-related. But instead of grooming, I decided to invest in an exercise regime, specifically, Pilates. I’ve always had bad posture, and for years my shoulders have ached when I sit at the computer. I’ve also noticed that clothes just don’t look as good when you are not standing up straight. I’ve never been athletic or exercised regularly, but I’ve read about all the good that exercise can do for your mental health as well as your physical. And my doctor (a woman a few years my senior) mentioned that while exercise in your 40s is still optional, it really isn’t in your 50s.

    So I figured my 40s was as good a time as ever to really start developing the habit. I found a local studio, and invested the money, and now I go once or twice a week. I’ve definitely noticed a big difference in my muscle definition, and my posture, although I still need to remind myself to sit up straight. I’m hoping to add some running to my routine soon, for the cardio benefit.

    My birthday present to myself :)

  28. Dive in! Don’t wait! Sounds like you’ve somewhat decided on a year timeline (not that you have to stick with it) … go ahead with a big change before you lose your nerve. I always tell myself, “it’s only hair (or nails, or makeup, or whatever).” Worst case scenario you hate it and you have to wait a while for it to grow out (or spend a little more money to fix it).

    Think about what feels comfortable or even just a little outside of your comfort zone and then take it a step further. Can’t wait to see what kinds of changes you come up with! I’ll be reading along! :)

  29. I turned 40 three years ago. I really wanted to be fit and 40, go into my middle age feeling great about my body and have more energy. Well that lasted until I had my birthday, May, and kinda tapered off. HA! But now I have come to be so grateful for my body. It is still working great, I look pretty good, and can try new things. I did a lot of different hair colors and styles while I was in my 20’s. But that is the best part of hair, is it grows back, if you don’t like the color you can change it. But be prepared to change your make up pallet with the different hair colors. It really changes your skin tone.

  30. I agree with some of the other comments- on the one hand I really enjoy all of the grooming- but on the other hand sometimes I feel like grooming is so unimportant and overvalued-but then I think back to when my daughter was little. I think about when I would bathe her and comb her hair out and clip her fingernails. All of those acts of service (i.e. grooming) were ways of showing her that she was important and deserved to be cared for, not only emotionally, but also physically. I think when we groom ourselves we are doing the same thing- sending a message to ourselves that says “you are loved and important and deserve to be taken care of”. Everybody feels love in different ways, for me, acts of service are an important way for others to show love towards me and also for me to show love to myself. What goes into grooming may be different for different people, but we all groom on some level and I personally am working on not feeling guilty because I like to have my hair done or nails painted. I do not believe that Heavenly Father would ever be disappointed in me for taking care of the wonderful body that I have blessed with.

  31. OMG! I saw a post on CupofJo about a 100 day challenge – and grooming and going gluten free was mine. When I shared my grooming goal (which was washing my face every day & night) friends were surprised, I too never learned many things and am just comfortable going without (but sometimes feel like I should do more – should I?) Anyway, still going strong on the gluten free and recently found a nice face wash to help encourage the face routine :) Thanks for sharing

  32. I love this post and Happy Birthday! I’m now 50 and STILL trying to nail down the grooming routine. Love Elizabeth’s comments above that grooming is self-care. I found that my routines became more solidified (hair appts, visits to the nail salon, updating my skin care and makeup more frequently) when I began to treat them like the pleasurable, self-care routines that they are. I like my bubble baths, my trips to the dentist, my Clairsonic, my lotions and sweet smelling potions. If the routines (however short) aren’t full of pleasure, why bother? It would be just another chore on my to-do list. And I’m done being a drudge.

  33. I am 48, and recently I have been drawn more and more
    to bohemian/flowy type clothing. I am a graphic artist, and
    have always dressed with a bit of a hippie vibe, but never
    felt confident enough to wear clothes that lean towards
    bohemian. Now at this age I am embracing it. It feels like me.
    It helps that I am at a place where I care a bit less about what
    others think.
    p.s. happy 40th…welcome to the club!

  34. dana tkach gault

    Brava to you for tackling a subject we don’t normally discuss. I’ve loved your style through the years, Gabrielle. You are beautiful, and you dress in a flattering and creative way. I, too, very much appreciate that we can up and make a radical change on a whim. In fact, an hour before reading this, I made an appointment with a very hip barber to take my already-cropped dark brunette hair down to its half-inch gray roots! Since I started going gray in my early 20‘s, I’ve spent a small fortune covering up those rogue hairs and really took advantage of it by going the full color spectrum from platinum to auburn to my original deep brown. After 35 years of putting my colorist’s kids through university, I’m ready to claim my full head of white hair and plunge headlong into my 56th year! You’ve given me a big dose of confidence today, girlfriend. Can’t wait to follow along on your grooming adventures! Go for it!

  35. Happy Birthday!

    I would not do the bangs. To grow your hair out when you don’t want them anymore is horrible. Trust me.

    My birthday is this coming Saturday! I LOVE my birthday!! I turned 40 a few years back and I wanted a party so we had a party at a nearby park. It was a lot of fun!

    I am not into makeup and my hair takes 5 minutes to fix in the morning. Any more than that and I am not a happy camper. I have had the same hairstyle for 8 years now and I still get compliments from the cut so I keep it. Plus it is EASY!!

    Have a good night!!

  36. I read this post this morning and have been thinking about it off and on all day long! The thing that I keep coming back to is that when I’m 40 (a short 6 years away), I am hoping that I’ll be comfortable enough in my own skin to not feel the need to experiment with changing looks. I love the idea of focusing the year on improving, rather than recreating. Make yourself happy, rather than experiment to see how others react. On the other hand, I get where you’re coming from with thinking that the experimenting will lead to greater understanding of yourself/your looks and what you like and dislike. ps- Ben Blair’s beard is a great example of a successful experiment!

  37. I turned 50 a few months ago and did something dramatic. I cut my waist-length hair to an A-line bob. I hated it. Then I liked it. Then came all the comments – I looked younger, it was perfect for my face, etc. Pros: I still get compliments and it’s easier to take care of. There’s also a lot less hair in my drains and on my floor. Cons: More frequent cuts so it costs more to keep up. I miss my identity as a long-haired girl.

    There are other things I wanted to happen this year that for a variety of reasons can’t or probably wont. But, that’s OK. But if I could have anything, I would just want to be comfortable being me. Still working on it.

  38. I got bangs a few years ago after not having them for years. I have dark brown hair at 39 and no dye, but it seems the wrinkles are coming on rapidly and I’m starting to have a droopy looking face IMHO. I have had a few medical scares in my mid to late thirties after being mostly super fit and mentally healthy my whole life so there is a lot more to think about than my wrinkles. Like I really hope this medication continues to work cause if not I’ll be in big trouble now that I rely on daily medication to survive.

    1. dana tkach gault

      Em, I’m right there with you. Became very ill in my late 30’s and have spent 20 years in pain while getting it sorted. Symptoms are better, but the meds make me quite sick. I feel like my whole self is drooping too! Wha I’ve I’ve learned from all of this is to look on the outside the way I’d love to feel on the inside, even if it takes a lot of doing and I’m housebound at the moment…even pretty pajamas or a lovely hand cream! These small efforts make me feel special. It can take a long time time to accept a chronic illness. It took me over a very sad, angry year, but there was no way around it except straight through it. My life is completely different, but beautiful in its unique way. Hang in there, Em. There are more of us than you know xo

  39. Happy birthday! I enjoy a more low-key and intimate celebration too.

    Oh grooming…I struggle with this, especially since having children (pregnant with number 3). I’ve been contemplating a similar post as part of a new mid year goal setting resolve. In fact, I literally wrote “manicure and apply self tanner” on my to do list for the week.

    I would never say I was “high-maintenance”, but there was a time when pedicures and manicures and bikini waxes were regular expenses. Now, I feel guilty even thinking about any of the them. And, to be honest, it’s not just the financial investment that makes me feel guilty but also the time investment. I wash my hair maybe twice a week ?! Some nights washing my face and brushing my teeth seem impossible.

    Society aside, I do always feel better about myself when I am groomed. It’s less of a beauty thing and more about feeling pulled together and on top of things, but I don’t deny the beauty element either.

    I do hope you’ll explore this…but do it for yourself and not for us dear readers. Meaning, don’t feel pressured to shave your head! Lol.

    Best wishes for your best year!!!!

  40. I’ve been slowly going grey since high school – by the time I hit 39 I was nearly all white/grey. I was looking at turning 40 and I think really dreading it and having a pre-40 crisis so I decided I wanted to do something radical.

    I’m chemically sensitive so I started to investigate henna as a means to dye hair. I sought out and found a woman who worked exclusively in henna – I went to see her, she looked at me wide eyed and said ‘You want to do what? But your hair is beautiful!” I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

    So she went ahead at my insistence. Flash forward one hour – my hair was completely GREEN. She freaked out, but I didn’t. It was different and I was happy. She used a ton more henna on my hair and finally it got brown (again). For a time I was kind of happy, it felt odd but good to have dark hair again. But I didn’t feel like me, I felt like I was playing the role of someone else pretending to be me.

    Slowly the henna washed out and I was left with grey hair and the white hair kept the green – I had greenish hair for many cuts and many years, a reminder of that crazy escapade.

    It’s cliché but also so true, part of turning 40 is learning to love ourselves for who we are, grey hair, wrinkles, whatever it is that feels ‘old’ to us. This culture is SO not into old and those over 30 are dismissed so easily. What wisdom we have as women over 40! We know so much more than we did at 30, and it affords me the opportunity to be so much more appreciative of everything life has to offer, and feel so much more deeply as I draw from the well of my emotional experiences too. Congrats on turning 40! I hope you have some moments of craziness and then too some times when you see yourself growing more deeply into who you are, becoming comfortable with that person and evolving that way too…..

  41. Ok, I know there are already a ton of responses, but I have to hop in here. My 40th is a few weeks away and I can totally relate to so much of what you express. On a basic level, it seems like part of being an adult (especially at 40!) would to be to have my stuff together and know (and care enough) about all those things you mention that I, too, struggle with (shaving regularly, knowing how to wear make-up, how to moisturize my dry arms, etc.). Ha!

    It’s so easy to dismiss appearance and grooming as superficial and unnecessary, but it is really part of our presentation of self (in our most fundamental way). No doubt, our self-presentation influences how others perceive us, but more importantly, it convey something about how we perceive ourselves and what we want others to see. Exploring what feels genuine, what feel risky, what feels brave, what feels right … that sounds like a pretty awesome way to mark this birthday.

  42. I’ve been thinking about something similar for my next big birthday, next year is my golden birthday the 28th and I would like to make it special. I prefer the idea of refining myself vs trying on new unexpected things. I am very intriqued by color anaylsis (what colors best complement your natural coloring) and kibbe metamorphosis (what style of hair/clothes/jewelry suit your body AND your face). I guess I want to take all of the individual that I am and emphasis that by exaggerating what is already there. I also love the idea of method dressing where you have a type of uniform for dressing, into-mind.com/ has a great blog about that, where you have a distinct style that people identify as unique to you. That is what works for me. I am very analytical and like to have things defined. So aesthetically I want to define as much as possible to create intentional patterns. I look foward to seeing what works for you.

    I personally would love to see a yasmin sewell type of cut on you: http://easyfashion.blogspot.com/2011/01/yasmin-sewell-les-tuileries-paris.html

    The idea of trying on different styles made me think of this blog:
    http://myyearoffabulous.com/

  43. Turning 40 was easy. Everything after…well, it turns out to be very complicated. Like marriage after the wedding, or all those big life processes that we distract ourselves into thinking are about one climatic day.

    So much of that complication is tangled up with beauty and image, and raising the topic feels so fraught. I’m glad you are doing so, and I’ll be following along, as always. Happiest of days to you, G. xo

  44. Happy belated birthday!

    Looking forward to seeing what you decided to get done at the salon. I wonder if you’ll be recognisable at ALT!

    With bangs I imagine you’d look just like Jordan :)

    I’ve often thought about mixing up my look but ultimately I rarely stray from long dark hair with bangs. I know it suits me and it’s easy but I do get bored of it. In my twenties I would change my hair colour quite regularly (black, blonde, red, brunette, blue…) but as I got older I became less and less adventurous with my hair. Maybe it’s time to get back to it! I love the idea of going for a look that doesn’t seem typical of a mum in her late thirties. Especially while my kids are young enough to not be embarrassed by it! Is that something that you think about, especially with teenage kids? I guess at some point kids are always embarrassed by their parents, no matter how cool they really are :)

    I keep thinking about going platinum blonde as well but I know I’d struggle with the regrowth and the fact that my eyebrows would be too dark – although bangs might help that!

    I recently saw the most lovely pale cotton candy pink hair on Pinterest and I’ve had that on my mind a lot. It was just the right colour and styled just so to look perfectly polished and not tacky at all. Of course, without the styling (which I wouldn’t have time for most days) there’s a chance it would look, well, trashy! And it would be even more upkeep than going platinum (it would have to be pretty much platinum underneath the pink to get the right colour). And I wouldn’t be able to wear red. And I’d need to buy all new make up. And… I’ve pretty much just talked myself out of it again!

  45. Happy Birthday Gabby! What a fun way to mark your new year with some bold experimentation. If you go forward I’m sure a lot of stuff will come up for you. I see it as perhaps a tool for exploration, curiosity and growth. How wonderful that we can choose to be brave and try new things. Can’t wait to see what you come up with. I just love you and love your work!
    One year I made the plan to wear earrings everyday. The next year no earings. Just to experiment. Currently for me, I’ve been experimenting with going “minimal goddess”. It may not be really outwardly noticeable but it’s more of an inner guide. When I remember my inner goddess it changes the way I stand, the way I touch my hair, the way I can make my eyes sparkle. I weaned myself off makeup durring yoga teacher training. Makeup just didn’t make sense when I was sweating that much. Most days now I am make up free – so when I do putt on a little blush, mascara, lipstick – it feels like I’m really going all out! My focus is shifting to beauty on a cellular level. It’s NOT 100% perfect but my focus is shifting to drinking lots of water, good sleep, eating nourishing foods, sweating, moving my body, gently caring for my curls. My favorite beauty products have totally changed: castor oil, ACV, coconut oil, essential oils. My favorite new thing is morning smoothie facial! You can wipe the side of the blender and smear it all over your face and let it dry while you clean up the kitchen . The first time I tried this I laughed so hard and my kids thought I was CRAZY. Now I do it at least twice a week and it is part of the new normal. I like to rub it off with some coconut oil and warm water. It feels amazing and I don’t really want to put on make up after that.

  46. I’ve embraced the concept of celebrating any birthday in whatever way makes sense to me at the time. However, it is one of the hardest things to do for the milestone birthdays as there is pressure to do the big party celebration. For my 40th birthday, my husband and young kids decided to make tie-dye t-shirts for us all. We visited the Botanic Gardens and the tie-dyed t-shirts seemed to be a big hit with my kids telling everyone who would listen that it was their mother’s 40th birthday! I remember that day filled with big loving smiles from many strangers!

  47. I just turned 40 a week or so ago! I’ve been thinking (dwelling?) on it for about a year and a half; feeling compelled to get my act together by the time I hit the big 4-0. For some reason I always assumed – sort of like you with grooming – that I’d be on top of it when I reached this milestone. As for celebrating, my husband managed to pull off a pretty cool surprise with only about 24 hours to plan it.

    http://nicolaysseljohnson.wordpress.com/2014/06/08/livin-the-dream-for-real/

  48. Happy Birthday, Gabrielle!

    Thanks for writing this! I think it’s so neat how you’ve put together this community of women that want to have this conversation with you, and I want to be a part of it, too!

    I find the beauty-identity conversation really compelling, and it’s because there’s a moment, when you design something really well (a space, say), and you feel a breath of fresh air. Your internal self, actualized.

    For me, though, I think when we look at beauty and identity in ourselves, as women, it becomes more a conversation about finding something you like, in there. At least, that’s true for me. There are many things I like, but I find myself mostly criticizing and being dissatisfied. For me, the solution is to get strong. Exercise has provided me a way to feel great about my body and external self, because of the internal traits that I value.

    I’ve been working this year on asking more questions like, what would our family life look like if we were all happy? At the same time? It’s been illuminating, and a big part of that answer for my part is to be *actually feeling* what my body feels, to honor it, to make it stronger.

  49. This was such a timely post for me! We depart Paris after living here for two years in Six weeks. I have been having panic attacks about going back to the states and looking exactly the same as when I arrived and thinking what in the world is wrong with me?!?! I should be wearing more black, have a perfect trench and somehow finally found that red lip stick that makes my lips look amazing! I have seriously been freaking out about it. I think it makes it especially hard is that I know exactly how and what I could change but I am apprehensive to spend the money on clothing/ accessories/make up for myself. Ugh mom guilt. That should definitely be addressed somewhere in this process. Can’t wait to follow along!

  50. Jennifer Rodgers

    Love the concept of exploring identity in your 40’s. I always had bangs. Right after I got married at age 29 in 2002, I got an Amelie-movie bob then grew my bangs out. I spent thee tore decade of my 30’s without bangs and an above the shoulder bob. When I turned 40 8 decoded to go back to my original ‘do of a chin length bob with bangs. It felt like going home. I look a pictures of myself in my 30’s and I barely recognize myself…definitely a bit of an identity crisis.

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