Teaching Kids About Sex: Advice About Sex for a College-Bound Girl

Okay, Friends. I received a compelling email from a senior in high school and I would love to get your help answering it. It’s such a sincere, honest email with such heartfelt questions about an important topic. And I want to give a really good response. Here’s the email (with her name changed and any identifying facts removed):

Hi Gabrielle,
My name is Lisa and I’m a senior in high school living in a medium-size city in Utah (I’ll be heading to BYU in the fall). As you probably guessed I’m LDS. I’m emailing you for advice among all people in the world because a) you’re a mom b) you’re LDS, and c) I like what you have to say especially about tricky topics like this. So here I go.

Today I was talking to my college age sister about a terrible law of chastity lesson I had in seminary and explained my frustration about how Mormons have such an unhealthy way about discussing sex. Saying “sex” in seminary is almost like a bad word. We also talked about the sex education in Utah which is definitely lacking and most parents don’t supplement their kids sex education in the home. This combination leads to curious kids who don’t really know where to go for good answers. In short, this combination leads to kids like me.

I’m 18 and about to graduate from high school and quite frankly all I really know about sex is what I’ve seen from movies. Maybe 50 or 100 years ago it wasn’t really important to know that much, but in 2017 I think that teens need to be equipped with this knowledge. I don’t know how to navigate figuring things out in my Wasatch Front culture. Today my sister said “when I was in jr high I thought sex was __ and__ and then I figured out it was so much more”. Unfortunately until today I thought that was the same definition of sex.

Before I go on I want to add that I have a normal family and very normal parents. Like my dad learns current songs on the guitar and my mom is obsessed with current fashion designers. I have great relationships with both of them. I know that they like the idea that their kids could come to them with any questions, but I know that they would probably feel uncomfortable talking to me about sex.

So here’s where I ask for advice and a few questions. How can I open up a conversation about sex with my parents? Who else should I go to for real information? As a parent is it difficult to talk about this with your kids?  Do you have any recommendations for basic resources/literature? Any other thoughts?

As mentioned before I really do appreciate your approach to motherhood especially regarding tricky subjects such as this. Not only does it create trust between you and your kids but it prepares them to be functional teens and adults. I know this probably isn’t the kind of email you want to read but I thought that you could answer it with keen insight.

Thanks a lot,
Lisa

—-

Dear Lisa,

Thank you so much for your email. I can see you have a ton of confidence just to write it up and send it. So high five to you! Way to go! As you know from our exchanges, I’m going to respond publicly here, and I also want Design Mom Readers to respond, because I think that teaching kids about sex is a topic that benefits from many experiences and many points of view. I also think you are not the only 18 year old that feels this way. Not even close. So I’m hoping this public post can be a help to others who feel just like you.

First, you’re absolutely right that as Mormons we generally do a horrible job of teaching kids kids about sex. And it’s not fair to you, and it needs to change. So thank you for bringing this up. It’s important.

Second, I don’t know you or your parents, but based on what you wrote, and your confidence, I think they seem pretty great. And I would 100% recommend that you share this same email with them — both your mother and father — and tell them you want to have a series of open, frank conversations about sex with them.

They are the grownups, and even if the topic makes them uncomfortable, it’s their responsibility to teach their children. And trying to help them avoid feeling uncomfortable should not be the priority; you getting the information and knowledge you need is the priority. From their point of view, they may feel like you don’t want to talk about it and that they are doing you a favor by not bringing it up. But sharing this email will be sure to open their eyes and help them realize you need them to talk about it. And the good news is, I can tell you from experience, the more parents talk about sex with their kids, the less awkward and uncomfortable it is.

Sex is very normal, and not talking about it is what makes it seem weird, uncomfortable and not-normal. So open conversations can bring it back to normal really quickly.

In addition to your parents, I hope you will also ask other adults in your life (teachers, church leaders, aunts) for open conversations about sex. The experience of sex is so personal, and everyone you talk to will have experienced sex differently in small or big ways. Their insights will help too.

Here are some things from my own experience with sex that might help. These are things I want my own kids to understand. From your letter, I get the idea you’re looking for real advice, more than just a reassurance that sex is good. My apologies in advance if this is too deep a dive.

I’m going to note: I’m not an expert or sex therapist and you know that. You wrote to me as a mother, and I’m answering from a position of an LDS woman and mother who enjoys sex very much, and has a healthy sex life. I know there are people, who for one reason or another, struggle with having a happy sex life. Perhaps we’ll hear some of their perspectives in the comments. Also, you didn’t mention same sex attraction, so I’m going to assume you are talking about sex between women and men:

1) You can read all about sex, and have lots of conversations, and feel like an expert. But until you’re actually having sex on a regular basis, a lot of what you learn or hear won’t really be helpful or make sense. The same thing is true for so many of life’s experiences, so it’s not just a sex thing. Just know that no matter how much you know ahead of time, there will still be plenty of things to learn even after you start having sex. I’ve had sex thousands of times and I’m still learning stuff (there’s always some new trend or new term I’ve never heard of before). So keep asking questions, and don’t feel embarrassed about it.

2) Sex has to be learned, it’s not like breathing or blinking. So if two people have never had sex and they decide to start having sex, it might not be much fun at first. It seems like it would be totally instinctive, but it’s not. You have to try different things (like try different positions, or different times of day, or different locations) until you know what you like and what works for you and your partner. That definitely happened for me and Ben Blair. We were both virgins when we got married and even though we knew the facts of sex, it still took awhile until we were any good at it. (By the way, it’s totally fine if one or both of you are not virgins if/when you get married. Just don’t marry a jerk.)

Also, what you like during sex can and does change, so you have to keep trying things throughout your sex life.

The nice thing is that even if both of you are new to sex, and the actual sex part isn’t that fun yet, all the stuff around the actual sex is still lots of fun. It’s super fun to be naked with someone else. Foreplay (caressing, touching, kissing, making out) is tons of fun. Laughing about sex with your partner (because there are awkward parts during sex) is also fun. The anticipation of getting to have sex that night is fun, and flirting all day is fun too.

3) Sex is way more awkward than it looks in the movies. On screen, two people are passionately making out, and then somehow they’re undressed and his penis is in her vagina, but magically, their hands haven’t stopped caressing each other the entire time. It seems amazing, but doesn’t really work like that. Sometimes pulling off your jeans looks super awkward and you fall over. Sometimes you’re cuddling and not quite sure where to put your arm. And during the learning stages, when it comes time for the penis to go into the vagina, you or your partner will need to use a hand to grab it and put it in the right spot.

So think about that when you’re going to have sex with someone. Is this a person I can be completely awkward with? What if I burp or sneeze (or fart!) during sex? What if I’m on my period? Will my partner be a jerk about it? Steer clear of jerks.

Related to this, what you or your partner has seen in porn is pretend. It’s actors. It’s not real world sex. Whatever you or your partner think you know about sex from porn, you need to set aside. It’s not sex ed.

4) Some couples give up on sex, or just conclude they have a crummy sex life, because it doesn’t seem that fun at first. Or at least it doesn’t seem that fun for the woman. And if she’s not having fun, then it’s not that much fun for the man either. Because who wants to have sex with someone who is not that into it? I get that. If I have sex and don’t have an orgasm, I’m not happy about it.

The general goal is for both people to have a lot of fun, and for both people to have an orgasm.

Not sure what an orgasm is? For men it’s pretty straightforward — they have an erection, then they rub their penis inside a vagina, or with their hand, and the energy sort of builds up and then they climax (climax is another way to say orgasm), and their semen comes out of their penis (another word for that is ejaculate).

For women, there’s no semen, and it can be a little harder to figure out how to have an orgasm at first. But I think that’s mostly because we don’t talk about women and their bodies and their orgasms. Women typically have orgasms from stimulating (touching, rubbing, licking) their clitoris. Again, the energy builds up and then she climaxes/has an orgasm. (I’ve never tried to describe what it feels like, but recently I read a description that it’s like a pelvic sneeze.)

It seems like an orgasm would be an easy thing. In the movies, both people always have an orgasm, and they always have an orgasm at the same time. But that’s just movies.

In real life, it’s different. Depending on what position she is having sex in, a woman’s clitoris might not get any stimulation at all. For example, if the man is behind the women when they’re having sex, the clitoris gets zero action — in that case you can use your hand or your partner’s hand to help out.

My best advice: Figure out how to have an orgasm on your own. Consider it your responsibility. Once you have mastered it, it’s much easier to tell your partner what feels good to you, and how you need them to touch you so that you’ll climax.

This can get into a tricky place for Mormons or other religious people, because we’re talking about masturbation now. You probably already know, but just in case, masturbation means touching or rubbing your own genitals until you have an orgasm. Religious people are often told that masturbation is evil and they should not do it.

I disagree with this. Especially for women. I think it’s really important for women to understand their bodies and what feels good to them. I think mastering your orgasm before you get married or start having regular sex is important. Once you’ve mastered it, it usually only takes a few minutes, and gives you amazing endorphins. It’s a really helpful way to release energy when you’re stressed out and don’t have someone to have sex with.

Related to this, remember that your partner can’t read your mind. You need to ask for what you want, and communicate what feels good and what doesn’t.

5) You don’t have to do anything during sex you don’t want to do. Even if it seems like everyone else is doing it. For example, I’m never going to have anal sex (not sure if you know what anal sex is — it’s when a penis goes in a butthole instead of a vagina). I have zero interest, and there is no scenario where I think that anal sex will feel good to me. I don’t care how much my friend likes it, it gets a big no thanks from me. And that’s fine.

I’ll add: sometimes something you think is a no go, becomes a sure-I’ll-try-it down the road. That’s fine too. But you don’t ever have to do something you don’t want to do.

6) REMEMBER: Your pleasure during sex is equally important to your partner’s pleasure. If only one of you is enjoying himself or herself, or if only one of you climaxes, that’s pretty crappy sex. It’s bound to happen on occasion, but if it’s the norm, it’s not good for a relationship or a sex life.

Okay. That’s a start. There’s so much more — we didn’t even mention birth control! But again, it’s a start.

Now a couple of resources. A year ago I wrote about a book called Girls & Sex. It may feel overwhelming to you, because it deals with teenage girls who are actively having lots of sex and know all about it. But, I think the book is important as far as talking about how we prioritize the pleasure of men during sex (and that we shouldn’t do that).

Another great resource I recently learned about is called AMAZE. It’s aimed at kids who are younger than you (10-14 year olds), but has a ton of good straightforward information. It’s a collaboration between experts in the field of sex education, and they cover a wide range of subject material.

For any parents reading, AMAZE videos are really good to use as conversation starters — they cover the “mechanics” (e.g., puberty) and also the more complex topics (relationships, gender identity, consent, etc.). They really want to help empower parents to be the primary sexuality educators of their kids. I follow their Facebook page so that I know when they have a new video.

Again, thank you for writing, Lisa. I hope this helps get some open conversations about sex started in your home. Feel free to send more questions.

kisses,
Gabrielle

Dear Readers, it’s your turn. What advice do you have for Lisa (not her real name)? And parents, how often are you teaching your kids about sex? Do you have websites or books that you would recommend to Lisa?

P.S. — Here’s how Ben Blair and I first talked to our kids about sex — Part One and Part Two.

216 thoughts on “Teaching Kids About Sex: Advice About Sex for a College-Bound Girl”

  1. This is so so awesome, A+.

    One thing I want to add is my favorite bit of advice I brainstormed with a younger cousin who was unsure how she would know when she was ready to have sex. Basically – we decided there are 3 criteria that need to be met (and they apply to everyone in all circumstances – whether you’re planning to wait til your wedding, or not, gay or straight, even I must adhere to the list!)….She has a version of this on her phone and my rule is she must check off each one before she has sex (seriously).

    a) You (and your partner) are emotionally prepared: you truly feel ‘ready’, meaning you feel safe, you trust yourself and the person you’re with, you feel comfortable. Overall the vibe is good. You can have jitters, sure, but no real fear – excitement and positivity.
    b) You (and your partner) are physically prepared: as in, physically your body says “GO!”. You’ve been kissing, necking – what-have-you – and your body wants to keep the momentum going. It is sex after all – so just feeling ‘in love’ doesn’t mean you’re ready for sex, you should feel like you actually want, specifically, to have sex.
    c) You (and your partner) feel “intellectually” prepared: As in, if your mother knew you were planning on having sex and asked you about that choice you could calmly and rationally tell her, “yes, this is my adult decision I am making, I have thought about it and I am ready”. If you think you could say that sentence to your mother aloud you are probably good to go on an intellectual level. Your mother might also ask, “have you considered protection?” – and of course you have. Also – you have to be sober to make a rational decision about being ready.

    A few quick footnotes:

    *These rules really apply every time you have sex, no matter how many times you’ve had sex, or if you’ve had sex and didn’t consider this list before, once you’ve learned the list it applies!
    **2 out of 3 is not good enough, ever – if your body says ‘stop’, even if it’s after you’ve technically started, or it’s your wedding night, or whatever, listen to your body. If your emotions and body are on board, but you haven’t taken the time to think rationally about the where, when and safety of it all, then you’re not ready (this checklist cannot be completed in the bathroom of a college party, it’s too detailed!). Etc. etc. IT HAS TO BE ALL 3.
    ***Your worth as a person is not tied to whether or not you’ve had sex. You are no more or less valuable because of being sexual. Your sexuality belongs only to you, and no one else. That’s why these decisions are yours to make – not your church’s, your parent’s, or your friend’s.
    ****The way you know if your partner is meeting these criteria is you ask. You have to be able to talk about these things aloud to be ready for sex.

  2. I can’t recommend the website http://www.omgyes.com enough. It’s dedicated to understanding and teaching about female sexual pleasure, based on interviews with thousands of women. It’s beautifully done and worth the small subscription price. Women talk about the different ways they feel sexual pleasure, and then they show you how on their own bodies. They have a gorgeous mix of ages, ethnicities, and body types.

    I love your advice that women need to understand their own bodies and know what brings them pleasure. I never even thought to do this until about 17-18 years into my own marriage. My sex life was fine, but it got tons better after I started exploring myself more fully.

  3. I would add
    -masturbation, consider what function it is filling, in a marriage/relationship you want to draw near to eachother, if touching yourself helps you understand sex and how to enjoy it with your partner it is bringing you closer.
    If it is a substitute for sex with your partner because intimacy is “hard work”, or “takes too long to climax” or “I don’t want to bother my partner with my needs” then it may putting separation between you. IF you are religious in any way remember that you have the right and ability to search out answers for yourself.

    And practically, -water is not your friend, for your first time(s) the movies make it look like a tub/pool/ocean is so romantic, and it can be but can also wash away lubrication = pain.

    1. I wholeheartedly agree with this point about considering the function masturbation is fulfilling. If your focus is solely your own pleasure (or his) then you’re missing out on the union and connection part of sex.

  4. Carie Skinner

    Such interesting timing! I just hosted at my house an local LDS therapist (and dear friend) to present on Healthy Female Sexuality. Her area of focus in her practice is mostly on attachment issues and sexual addiction/problems. So refreshing to sit in a room with 20ish LDS/conservative Christian women (I live in the Midwest so we were not all Mormon) and openly discuss creating and promoting healthy sex perspectives for women. It was beyond informational and not a bit tintilating or sordid. I.e. we did not use mirrors! (Fried Green Tomatos reference ;).
    In a culture that promotes waiting until marriage, young women can often hear that sex is bad and sexual feelings are dirty. Where does that leave them after marriage?
    Her main difference from your perspective was on masturbarion. While she spoke about women needing to be responsible for their own enjoyment, she did not advocate masturbation for young women.
    Great discussion!

  5. Everything in this post (the recommendations, links, comments!) has been INCREDIBLE. First off, hats off to you Gaby for creating a lovely environment to have such a discussion.

    Second, of all, I have a 7-year-old step-daughter and I know her mom is going to want to go the way of ignorance, but I don’t feel that way at all. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of discussing HOW to discuss this in a way that all parties feel comfortable, but it is hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get more questions from my step-daughter because of the role I have in her life. I’m SO grateful for all the resources listed in this and I’ve saved them all for later conversations. GOOD THINGS! LOVE THIS!

    Finally, I’m glad there are others out there that want to have this be much more open and not so secretive in the Mormon culture. I honestly feel that it being thought of as “sacred but secret” keeps most Mormon women from having a healthy sex life.

    Thanks again for a lovely post. I can’t stop thinking about it.

    1. “I honestly feel that it being thought of as “sacred but secret” keeps most Mormon women from having a healthy sex life.”

      I worry about the same thing. And sex is such a happy, important (even essential) part of my own marriage, that I want everyone to enjoy the same benefits that I do.

  6. This is so great! I recently found an LDS group on Facebook called Happy Healthy Sexuality that had been super eye opening! I’ve been lucky enough to have pretty healthy sexuality throughout my life and my sex life has been very fulfilling since day one of marriage (my parents didn’t share too much so I just went to the library and taught myself haha) but there is a lot to learn from other people’s experiences! There are plenty of single sisters in the group so I’d definitely recommend it as a good resource!

  7. One thing I would add is that you might find you need lubricant, both with a partner and by yourself. Although I was raised in a relatively open environment, for whatever reason I absorbed this idea that lube was only for “kinky” stuff like anal sex–not so! I find that my body doesn’t produce a lot of natural lubricant, so using a water-based lube is like night and day–that was when it all started to be fun!

  8. A great resource that hasn’t been mentioned yet is “30 Days of Sex Talks.” It’s a series of books aimed at parents talking about sex to their children. There are 3: one for ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+. Each has 30 topics and discussion questions about different aspects of sex, bodies, intimacy, etc. They are great! They don’t tell you what to say exactly, but provide a broad understanding of sexuality. I have used the first 2 (my oldest is 10) and they are great for helping me to remember what topics to bring up. For example, we thankfully don’t have any cases of abuse in our family, but with a reminder from the book, I brought it up to discuss my daughter’s interactions with teachers, coaches, and doctors. As for “Lisa,” she may want to get the 12+ volume as a guide to the questions she has.

      1. I have to second this recommendation. The people behind those books also have one on how to talk to your kids about pornography and also how to raise a stronger child. I’ve listened to the founder of Educate Empower Kids talk and the one thing I’ve LOVED that she said was “Who do you want your kids to hear __________ from?” Whether it’s the sex talk, pornography, attitudes about bodies or sexuality, or anything else, wouldn’t you want your kids to hear it from you and get REAL information? I was one of those kids who in 6th grade thought you got pregnant by French kissing…… and my parents never did anything to teach me about sexuality, not to mention there was abuse in the home I grew up in.

        I would also recommend https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays-ebook/dp/B00R9NROCS/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1497577266&sr=8-4&keywords=30+days+of+sex+talks because that has given me a framework to talk to my kids about how to have their feeling brain not hijack their thinking brain. Yes, it’s about pornography, but I’ve found it to be a great parenting resource. We’ve used it in all kinds of ways for teaching our kids how to be responsible and make wise decisions, but we’ve also emphasized that you have to process your feelings, you need to feel them and know why you are feeling a certain way or enjoy what you are feeling but not to let your feeling brain run away with your thinking brain. It has been a big help for me as a parent with a Asperger’s kid plus the fact that I’ve come from an abusive family and am trying my best to not let any of that leftover mess trickle down to the next generation.

  9. Not sure if anyone has mentioned this already, but for Lisa specifically as you head off to BYU – please consider checking out http://www.instagram.com/provoguysamiright. It’s an IG account run by two BYU students (one graduated, I think) who post real-life exchanges from the Provo dating scene with the purpose of shining a light on how misogynistic and manipulative some BYU/Provo men are. (SOME, not all.) The account admins address these exchanges with frankness and humor.
    If you do not have much experience with dating, particularly in a scene with many older men feeling pressured to date/marry (e.g. RMs), people who you assume will share your standards but may not, people who may try to manipulate you using your common faith, etc., the exchanges posted on this account will help you recognize what is unacceptable behavior and how to shut it down. It’s not meant to put you off the BYU dating scene but to give you some idea of what’s out there so you are prepared and don’t succumb to “I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” “no one else must be experiencing this,” etc. and end up in situations where you feel uncomfortable.
    Good luck this fall and great job starting the conversation, Lisa!

  10. Lisa, I don’t really have concrete sexual advice for you. Putting myself in your mind’s eye, as an 18 year old, I was very curious and did a lot of making out (I’m LDS). In my house growing up my mother slid a book under my door but never talked to me about sex. Neither did my dad. It didn’t make me angry or feel frustrated, but I was very “boy crazy”, so I just went with those hormonal feelings I had without knowing where it would lead. I was lucky. It would have helped if my mom had told me things like other readers have said: “let your brain decide, not your strong urges”.
    Yet, I was a virgin when I got married at 20, but I had lots of experience at kissing and making out and really was looking forward to sex during marriage. However, I’m glad that I got married young. It made me mature in a way that staying single might not have (as I watch my daughters who are young adults and not married are not as mature as I was because I married young, imo, but that’s a different topic. Age of marriage is a personal decision).
    Sex during my marriage has never been a problem at all. In fact, we’ve never used tools or any other ‘ideas’ because we both never felt a need to explore- we have been happy with traditional sex. But, hearing all new ideas has been enlightening and this veteran married person might explore new things. So it shows it’s healthy to be open, talk to others about your feelings and emotions about sex.
    I’ve tried to talk to my LDS friends about sex but feel like only 2 of them are open- one has a troubled marriage and the other is now divorced, so that may be why. My other friends just seem to not talk about it maybe because it’s private or taboo. Not sure, but I know it would be nice to talk about it openly, especially now that I’m getting older and things are changing in our sex life.
    If you plan on waiting until marriage to start your sex life (which I recommend for your emotional/physical/healthy safety), reading books, taking classes, and talking frankly with others is a must. I wish now I had had someone to do that with me. I have older married sisters but it just wasn’t done and still isn’t done with people my age. Sad.
    I once hosted a “Know your religion” class in our area. The speaker was Larry Gibbons. (Funny story, he had just flown in from Israel and needed a haircut. He asked me to give him one in the bathroom at the Stake Center where the meeting was to be held. It felt like a very intimate and awkward thing to do, since I only cut my son and husbands hair.) Anyway, he spoke briefly on intimacy and it was SO REFRESHING. I could visually see the audience tense up and then relax a little as he spoke openly about he and his wife having sex and that sex is important.
    So my advice is, when you have inspiration to talk about sex, don’t put those feelings down. Talk about it openly, with candor but respect, and you will learn to understand it better.

  11. sorry if repetitive, didn’t read all the wonderful comments, but wanted to say two things:
    1) come as you are, by emily nagoski changed my life and would also be a great book to pick up. though geared toward adults not teens, lisa should do fine with it.
    2) orgasm is equally important for both partners, but not required. having fun sex isn’t always about achieving climax, but if you/your partner WANT to climax, gotta make it happen. some folks have a hard time climaxing sometimes or at first and that’s okay. you didn’t “do it” wrong if you don’t orgasm. personally, sometimes i end up distracted or something then end up taking too long and start to chafe so we stop pleasuring me and skip ahead and that’s okay. it wasn’t in the cards that day, no sense hurting myself just to make sure i came. note/pro-tip, these times call for a nice shower head with a hose.
    bonus) not to get to graphic here, but it’s often very helpful/nice for you to stimulate his scrotum while he masturbates. BE GENTLE!!! it’s sensitive down there! but that also plays to your advantage. have fun!

    thank you so much, gabrielle!! best post ever!

    1. I’m so grateful for all the different perspectives shared in the comments. I’m especially thinking about the commenters (like you) who have mentioned orgasm isn’t necessarily a priority for them. I’m laughing because I had no idea. I confess: sex without an orgasm is mostly a bummer for me. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I would be a big fan of sex if I didn’t orgasm 99% of the time. It’s good for me to learn that other people approach it differently. Again, thanks for sharing.

      1. Definitely would say it’d be nice every time but if you can’t get there when you start my point in an earlier comment was just taking the pressure off because going into it with a high expectation can really kill the mood. Just relax, you’ll get there!

  12. Heather Wikene

    Not sure if this resource has already been mentioned, but one of my favorites on the topic of sex education for individuals AND (for parents) talking to their kids about sex is a therapist here in Seattle named Tina Schermer Sellers. Tina is a Christian, a sex therapist, and a professor at Seattle Pacific University. A great resource is her non-profit, Thank God for Sex (thankgodforsex.org). I particularly recommend the audio and video files on that site.

    I’d also like to comment on the idea that healthy sex always ends with both partners having an orgasm. I think sexual intimacy can be much more diverse than that. Sometimes you spend an hour fooling around and no one has an orgasm, or just one partner does. To focus on the ultimate point of sex as being to have an orgasm, I think could lead to unhealthy habits and ideas. There are lots of other things that feel good and are not an orgasm. :)

    Also, having grown up in a family that DID NOT talk about sex, and in the church where sex was a bit of a dirty word, I understand that there are lots of spoken and unspoken rules you may feel are imposed on you and lines you aren’t supposed to cross. Ultimately, your choices are your own. They are between you and your partner and God (and NO ONE ELSE). I pray that you not experience the shame that can shadow sexual experiences (married or not) for so many people in the church.

    Lastly, Lisa, please, please remember that you are BELOVED. You are worthy of love and respect. At all costs, avoid partners that use you (or that you are tempted to use). The most enjoyable and fulfilling sex comes with a partner that loves you, respects you, and cares about your well-being.

  13. Wow, I almost got emotional reading this post Gabby because it would have meant so much to me to be entrusted with that much REAL honest information as I was growing up.

    One tip that has worked well for us with our very young kids is teaching them all about how animals reproduce. The awkward questions started to come up after my kid saw some dogs humping, and then a few more animal sex encounters at the zoo, so we just went full tilt biology-honest with our 6 year old about how mammals reproduce, and watched numerous you tube videos of animals having sex. I was admittedly very uncomfortable about this, but our kid took it in stride and is so so smart. Our kids are also the result of IVF, so they know there are alternative methods to reproduction as well.

    We also have not attempted to shelter our kids from TV shows that depict sex because I have found that seeing sex alluded to on TV does not normalize casual sex or encourage it, it simply normalizes having conversations in our family ABOUT casual sex, and consent, and reality vs TV, etc. It takes the stigma out of the sex conversations so that (I hope) my kids will dare ask me about their questions rather than get their patched together information about from those TV shows.

    Sample conversation from my 6 year old: “Are those people having sex (because kissing in a bed)? Me: They probably will. Son: To reproduce? Me: Maybe, but humans also have sex just because they enjoy it or want to show love to each other. Son: I love Ella in my class, but DO NOT want to have sex. Me: That is perfectly normal. Only adults should be having sex and you get to have power over your own body. It’s your body! Even when you grow up you don’t ever have to have sex if you don’t want to, and should both people should want to. You may change your mind about it when you are older, and that is ok too….Conversation leads to my hope that he waits until marriage, how important love and commitment are, etc. – A lot of it is way over his head, but my point is that because we have had this conversation since he was tiny, no holds barred, they never have the power of being taboo. Honest sex conversations also segway into really good safety conversations about good touch/bad touch, not keeping secrets etc.

  14. Jilleun Jasperson

    Fabulous post, and comments! Thanks to you, Gabby, and the girl ‘Linda’ who emailed you!!

  15. Thanks for this post! I’m a 46 (almost 47) year old single LDS woman who has never married and has never had sex. I’ve learned more from this post than I’ve ever learned in all my years. Thank you all for being open and honest.

  16. I loved this and I especially loved that you highlighted the importance of orgasam during sex for women.

    I’ve read several comments saying that a woman can have fantastic sex even if she didn’t orgasam. I find it actually not to be true. Great sexual intercourse should include both partners climaxing. Saying otherwise, regarding women, diminishes women and again requires them to be just happy that they pleased their partner. Not climaxing can lead to a lot of stress and can completely kill sexual desire in a woman leading to unhappiness in a relationship.

    I loved that you are pointing out that climax is important for both partners to be satisfied and that it should be something you work on and practice as not all women can reach orgasam during sex that easely.

    On a side note, can you make the comment section in a way that last comments appear first as it would be much easier to follow?

    Thanks, love your blog!

    1. I completely disagree. I think it’s more important that you’re on the same page. If your goal and wish to have an orgasm and your partner is helpful that’s good. If you’re clear that you’re ok with not having an orgasm, that’s ok. I’m sorry but I do believe it’s difficult, maybe not for some women, to orgasm every time!!! And it does not cancel out their experience IF they are happy.

      I could orgasm all the time if I were to use a vibrator however I find I have reduced sensitivity and find it harder to climax without a vibrator if I have been using one consistently. I would prefer to orgasm sometimes without a vibrator (and yes still sometimes with one too) than only with a vibrator. If someone else wants to use a vibrator every time, that’s on them. If someone else is happy never orgasming, but they legitimately are happy with their sex life, that’s on them.

      Never trying to and never orgasming would be a sad situation but saying that not orgasming is crappy sex I honestly find insulting and that it discounts a lot of women’s experiences. I feel strongly that the original part of this reply above should be amended to reflect this.

  17. Pingback: Friday Mish-Mash – Second Gen Homeschooler

  18. I love this so much! I wish I would have read this when I was a teenager. I especially like the constant reminder to “stay away from jerks.” Just because you are going to BYU, doesn’t mean you won’t run into jerks who will do a lot of sneaky pressuring to get you to have sex with them. I went to BYU and I have to say I met more creepy jerks in my 2 years at BYU than I have met the rest of my life, and 15 of those years were spent in NYC, which many think is the creep capital of the world (it’s not). Know yourself! Don’t be afraid to state what you want and don’t want. Don’t worry about BEING POLITE! Gabby, your advice is so empowering to young women. Keep it up!

  19. I would also add that consent is a clear and freely given “yes,” not the absence of a “no,” and any person can remove consent at any time. It is the primary responsibility of the person seeking a sexual experience to seek consent. Consent sounds confusing, but it can be easy and sexy: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amber-amour/35-sexy-ways-to-ask-for-consent_b_9789458.html.

    My mom also told me that even if you do something once, you never have to do it again. She also told me that you don’t have to be in love to have sex – sometimes having sex with someone you really like and respect can be more freeing because your emotions aren’t so bound up in love. I had my first sexual encounter with someone that I had known for years – we would date off and on, and when the time felt right, I felt like he was the right person and I’m glad, because I focused more on the experience than being worried if “this was forever.” That’s a personal decision, but one I’m glad I made.

    As someone who has been with my husband for 17 years, it’s also ok to be in the middle of sex and decide you don’t want to – and a partner who is understanding will get it. Sex should be free from judgment and blame.

    Also, no one is 100% “straight” or “gay” – don’t worry about fantasies or concerns you may have or have heard about.

    Your body might not like the first brand of condoms you use – that’s OK! The same goes for lube.

    Finally, sex is smelly :) No one prepared me for how smelly it can be – with condoms, without condoms, etc.

  20. Morra Aarons-Mele

    Gabby I am not Mormon and I come from a very liberal, non religious background but I wish I’d had a mom like you and perspective like yours when I was 18. I feel healthier just reading this post and I’m 40….so thank you!

  21. Pingback: Friday Reads | Perspectives from a Hard Boiled Egg

  22. Love this post! The only thing I’d add is get a really good understanding of your anatomy (mirror?). I went to a Catholic school and thought pee came out of the vagina until I was like 19 or 20!!!! I also think that this mentality isn’t exclusive to Mormons, all traditional religious groups treat sex as taboo and that’s sad. Gabby, your response gave me a lot to think about as a mom!

  23. I am not sure which I love more, Lisa’s letter and Gabrielle’s response or the comments section. I have a bunch of new tabs open for from the link selection and an Amazon order on the way.
    I would add fiction to the list. As a conversation opener and as a different way to watch from the side, and see how I feel about what is happening. There are lots of terrible twaddle books, but some gems too. For me the Outlander series has been wonderful on those fronts. Plus I deeply appreciated that the good sex is all married sex. I also love her non fiction how to write a sex scene as well.

  24. Wonderful question and fabulous response! One thing that was helpful for me was to learn “she comes first” (there’s even a book by this name) and that if both partners focus first on the woman’s orgasm and then both focus on the man’s orgasm, things tend to go well. It’s harder for a woman to come after the man so this order of things makes sense.

  25. I’m so glad you wrote this post DesignMom! Frank, sincere information is sometimes hard to find. I’m glad this post is out there for anyone who is looking.

  26. Pingback: Wanderlust (& Friday Links) - Hither & Thither

  27. I would recommend RelationshipIQ material as well, there is a great video about sex ed and the science behind sex on their Youtube channel :)

  28. Pingback: Have a Great Weekend. – Agayalord

  29. This is a great post! I think one of the biggest things I would put emphasis on for someone just starting to explore their own sexuality and learning about sex is to be SUPER communicative with yourself and with your partner about what is and isn’t working. It can be very easy when you are first starting out to just go with the flow because you think its what you’re supposed to do, you’re not quite sure about something, or because your partner seems to be enjoying things and you like your partner, etc.

    Being candid about what your hesitations are, what you do and don’t want to do, what pace you want to take things at — honestly this can be the part that feels the most vulnerable when you are getting started but it is the most important! YOU will get a lot more out of the experience if you are communicative, even if it means making things awkward sometimes or having a conversation that doesn’t feel sexy. And you can ALWAYS change your mind about something — just because you go down one path does not mean you have to see it through if you are not happy, not enjoying yourself or are uncomfortable. Trust yourself.

  30. Pingback: The REWM:30. Roller coaster - The REWM

  31. So many comments mine is probably unnecessary but just wanted to say, among all the other great comments, that as the oldest girl in a family of girls, with a very un-involved father, it took me several painful decades to figure out that men, at least in America, are wired differently by a culture that encourages the worst attitudes in an effort to harvest the dollars of the typical male adult.

    Basically, men and boys think of nothing but the sex act as it relates to their own pleasure, women generally think of it as a way to bond emotionally, because each and every sexual encounter can result in a 20 year minimum commitment to raising and paying for the existence of another human. Men, nor BOYS, have not been held educated throughout the epoch of history, to take responsibility for their actions regarding pregnancy, even today.

    There are reasons that men are meant to jump through hoops to prove they have more than a physical interest, and we need to teach both boys and girls about what sex entails both in service to our need for pleasure, therespect of each other’s hearts AND reproductive responsibility.

  32. “men and boys think of nothing but the sex act as it relates to their own pleasure”… I meant to add, until they develop and mature, which is really to do with upbringing and not age.

  33. Wow, thank you for this!

    I grew up LDS, and had so much shame about sex, and it is a big part of what first led me away from the church. Kudos to you for this informative and respectful response :)

    I just wanted to add a couple of great resources for smaller kids by Cory Silverberg: “What Makes a Baby”, and “Sex is a Funny Word”. Silverberg encourages you to read through them in preparation, so can you can have the facts, but also tailor your answers to fit your particular family and beliefs. Looking forward to sharing it with my curious 7-year-old

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15701778-what-makes-a-baby
    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22889878-sex-is-a-funny-word

  34. I know it has already been mentioned, but Birds & Bees (http://www.birds-bees.com) is an invaluable resource. Even though geared toward discussing sex with small children, their method of frequent and early conversations will help young adults redefine how they will introduce sex to their future kids.

  35. Lisa, when it IS time for you to have sex, buy a set of vaginal dilators to stretch your hole. It will help reduce the pain SO much on those first few nights. The movies don’t show how painful it can be for women those first few times, even when the sex is consensual and exciting. As an LDS woman, now married for 8 months, I am just now feeling like our sex life is getting good. Sex on our honeymoon wasn’t great and a little bit frustrating. So just know–it takes time to figure it out. Be patient. It really is fun. I also wholeheartedly agree with the advice to figure out how to orgasm on your own first. Figure out what feels good to you so you can guide your husband. There is absolutely nothing wrong with masterbation.

  36. I have to agree about Birds & Bees (http://www.birds-bees.com)!!! It is full of unbelievable information with very practical ways to talk to your kids at every stage. As a mother of a 2 and 4 year old, I’m so relieved to have found this early because it’s all about talking to your kids early and in your way. They provide speaking services for groups, but also have online options that anyone can access at any time. Can’t say enough good things!!

  37. “Totally fine” if they aren’t virgins when they get married? You are writing an LDS teen who is coming to you for LDS advice, essentially. By telling her that it’s fine to break the law of chastity before she gets married, and you knowing that’s against BYU’s code thing, how on earth is this not completely irresponsible of you? You are also saying it’s “totally fine” to break one of the 10 Commandments? I mean seriously? You have lost a very very long-time reader. What horrible advice.

    1. I think Gabrielle is saying that, later, (say, when “Lisa” is out of BYU) and she finds a man who isn’t a virgin, they can still get married. He could have converted. Or, just realized that he wants to keep sex between married people. “Lisa” doesn’t have control over other people. And, she can choose who she ends up with.

    2. Just because someone isn’t a virgin doesn’t make them ineligible as a marital prospect. Maybe they converted later, and have been chaste since. Maybe they were molested as a kid or raped at some point. Or maybe they got drunk and made one horrible decision they truly regretted immediately.

      I have known people from all of those circumstances, and they are still wonderful, devout people loved by God. Several of them are in strong, happy marriages. I have also known young women who were raped and fell into depression and destructive behavior (including suicide attempts) because they felt they were ruined—and from what I’ve read, it can be even worse when a guy was molested or raped.

      Of course, there are also people who are widowed young, or whose spouses abandon them. And there are virgins who go on to abuse their spouse. The point is, the issue is far bigger than “Has that person had sex before?”

  38. Thanks for writing this! I’m an aunt to teen girls, not a mom. I am also religious (Southern Baptist), so I have known several young women lacking adequate sexual knowledge. I went back to college in my mid twenties, and a LOT of the younger women came to me for advice, because I had already been married a few years.

    Thank you for highlighting that sex can be incredibly awkward and not always work! (I’ve never seen a movie where someone’s leg cramped up, or sex had to stop because someone really had to pee!) Media portrayal of sex is so messed up in so many ways; it really sets us up for failure if that’s where we get our info!

    You touched on consent. I think the “Tea Consent (Clean)” video by Blue Seat Studios is fantastic, which is all over YouTube. It really highlights how ludicrous the misapprehensions surrounding consent are, without being preachy or condescending. (They also have a “consent for kids” video for the young ones.)

  39. A few thoughts for “Lisa” from a Christian newlywed (though not LDS), with parents who never talked to me about sex – not even before my wedding night!

    1. Sex is amazing and sacred, and oh so fun (in marriage!). The spiritual, emotional and physical are all intertwined. Study what God says about sex, not only the mechanics of it.

    2. You will likely have friends within your church/faith community that compromise their sexual purity. Don’t use that as justification to make similar choices. Strive to follow God’s principles, not imitate man’s actions.

    3. Contrary to what culture and some of your peers may tell you, waiting until your wedding night to have sex is possible and it is so worth it.

    4. In my early twenties, I struggled with how to apply the Bible and Biblical teaching in today’s culture. (spoiler alert: It’s no different! When the Bible says “flee from sexual immorality” and other similar things, they are no less applicable and no less possible today!)

    5. Sexual sin has a way of tearing you up that no other sin can. I pray that you never experience this. Which leads me to…

    6. Your past does not dictate your future. Although my husband and I did not go past kissing in OUR relationship until our wedding night, neither of us were virgins when we met. (He became a Christian at the age of 30, and I had a brief time when I allowed distance between myself and God, during which I made choices I never envisioned myself making – including sleeping with my boyfriend at the time. Thankfully it was a short relationship & I was quickly convicted of the gravity of my sin.) Just because you’ve crossed a certain line physically in the past, doesn’t mean you have to cross it now.

    7. Our choices quickly become a slippery slope. What started as the belief “sex before marriage is wrong, and kissing is okay, but I’m not sure about everything in-between” led to touching/caressing with a boyfriend as a young adult (and I was caught off guard by how intimate this felt, even though we were not having sex!) This later led to feeling like I was so far from being pure that it didn’t matter if I went all the way (which was not the right perspective to have!).

    [7b. Some people also save kissing for their wedding day. I totally see the beauty and wisdom in this too!]

    8. Strive not only for virginity before marriage, but PURITY too! I regret (I don’t say “regret” in an unhealthy full-of-shame way, but in an “I understand the significance of what I did and what the heck was I thinking” kind of way) not only giving up my virginity before marriage, but also each of the little decisions I made along the way that compromised my purity.

    *When I have children, all of the above and more will be communicated to them from the heart of “I hope you never experience the pain and heartbreak that I did. However, whatever we face, our God is greater and His grace is stronger. There is always forgiveness and redemption. And I’m always here to talk.”)

  40. I’m Dutch and just the title alone made me sad. If your “child” is a teenager readyto go to college, you are about a decade too late teaching them about sexuality and sex… In my country, sex ed starts at kindergarten. Age-appropriate, of course (what are feelings, how do babies grow, naming all the bodyparts etc.), with age-appropriate topics being introduced each school year. To the point where kids know all about conception, sex, std’s and such by the time they hit puberty.

    And not just those anatomical basics, but also what their personal boundaries are, and how they can voice them and make sure they are respected (and respect those of others in return!). This leads to very well-informed teens who have the knowledge they need BEFORE the hormone storm hits. Not years after the fact.

    I have to add that Dutch society, and the majority of parents, is very open about sexuality, including teen sexuality (teen sleepovers are not uncommon here, if the parents know the bf or gf well enough. We recognise that teenagers can have romantic relationships, too). Kids and teens can ask their parents or teachers questions about sex without being shamed or ridiculed. Their first time (on average at age 17) often takes place under their parent’s roof, in a safe and respectful manner. Not in the back seat of a car or some alley, sneaking behind the parent’s backs.

    No college-age “kid” here could ever be obvlivious to sex and sexuality. And we have the low teenage abortion, std and pregnancy rate to prove it (whereas the prudish, conservative US has rates that are ridiculously high compared to the rest of the West).

    Those pesky teen hormones won’t go away because you want them to. Best empower your children to be able to make healthy and informed decisions by the time hormonal change and sexual desire/interest becomes a thing for them (which is years before college even comes along..). Not years after the fact. It will lead to safe, fun and mutually respectful sex, instead of sexual hang-ups, confusion and shame.

  41. I wanted to add that my point in my above comment was not to ridicule this girl for being naive. But that sex is normal, sexual feelings are normal, sexual desires are normal. And that having questions about any of those is also normal, even for children, and certainly for teenagers.

    I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents about how sex ed and (teenage) sexuality, and being open about it, is handled in my country. As a Dutch ahteist from a very secular culture I don’t know a whole lot about Mormons, but I am aware that the average Mormon teenager will face a whole set of different hurdles, I suspect even more so than in the “avergae” religiously conservative American household, compared to average kids and teens from my country. I just wanted to mention that openness about sexuality with one;s parents and teachers is very possible, that it is the norm in my country. It’s indeed the *not* talking about it that makes it weird and taboo and uncomfortable. I really hope you’ll find a way to break this topic open in your family, Lisa!

  42. (as for The “big M”, masturbation: in my country the consensus is that it is very important to get to know your own body and what feels good for you, and what doesn’t, before you engage in sex with another person. Especially for a girl. It will make your first time that much more rstress-free, enjoyable, and it will also be a lot easier to communicate to your partner what you like and don’t like. Most men need a little guidance when it comes to that, after all, as most women know).

  43. i think i’m quite late to this party. I’ve been reading this blog since I was a little kid (like 12 years old I’m 19 now) . I now am at BYU as a freshman and am sure i’ve met lisa in passing. I had all the same questions and then suddenly I was in college at byu with no idea how anything worked and what was okay or wasnt.

    Well getting sexually assaulted taught me a lot about it. (first date in college yikes) Which is the worst way to learn about your body and another persons body. I wish this was talked about more ESPECIALLY for mormon girls. Because gosh I just googled everything and experimented with guys at BYU. All which I don’t think is super healthy or very good for being morally clean. luckily I think I understand a little more about myself and sex and relastionships (yay for all the 26 year old guys dating 18 year old me!!! haha oh byu is weird) anyway THIS IS GREAT and i’m sharing with all my friends because we need some help.

    I’m about to leave on a mission and I know that idk I love the new thing of talking way more openly about all this. At byu girls ask questions to one another and literally no one knows how anything works. We just wait until one of our friends get married and can’t wait to ask all sorts of questions (what an odd thing now that I think of it) anyway love this.

  44. Pingback: What are some fantastic resources on creating scientific papers? – Black on Grey

  45. Please, anyone who is not already informed through experience or education. Learn about the sex hormones and their effects….oxytocin bonds a mother to her nursing newborn, progesterone help women be happy, etc. There is so much to know about how sex and the hormones it releases and are effected by can impact a persons choice to have sex, how they feel about their (maybe not ideal) partner afterwards, and how those deep connections can be very damaging or deceptive when not kept in a married, ongoing healthy relationship.

  46. My comment specifically applies to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, though I it could be universally applied: my best advice is to know what you will and will not stand for. Before you even enter a relationship, make clear and conscious choices about what your personal standards are. For members of the Church, I recommend these resources in knowing what the Church’s standards are regarding intimacy: the section on Sexual Purity of this pdf. And this link.

    I’m a member of a support group on Facebook for LDS mothers and even among married women who are sexually active, there’s still a lot of misinformation people are operating on regarding what the prophets have and have not taught regarding sex. Sex is great! But it is less great when you feel guilty for things you don’t need to feel guilty for or on the opposite end of the spectrum, realize you’ve been engaging in sexual acts that actually go against your belief system.

    So I think it’s really important for people of faith to really understand the doctrine we believe in before getting intimate.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top