Why Do We Make Children Sleep Alone?

My son slept in a cradle in our room for the first couple of months, but he moved to his own room after that. He’s never slept in our bed. We always felt like our bed should be just for us.

It’s funny now though. He’s almost 5, and he keeps asking why he has to sleep by himself when my husband and I get to share a room. It’s hurt his feelings a couple of times.

We are a family of four in a modest two bedroom house. My oldest daughter slept in our room until she was five (at which point I was 6m pregnant and I didn’t imagine she’d sleep well in our room once baby arrived).
When she was younger we put her in “her room” for the first part of the night and then brought her in with us once we were ready for sleep.
Now, baby is in our room and will be for the foreseeable future, but since we have two girls, at some point they will share a room. Less space, less stuff, more time together!

My second and third babies slept in my room after they were born–for a few months, but (mostly) in their own beds. Right now, my three kids all sleep in the same room. When the new baby comes, the baby will probably sleep in the same room as us. I have a third bedroom, but it’s used more of an office/guest room right now.

I always shared a room growing up. I think it is a waste of space to have a single child in a single bedroom, particularly because I use our bedrooms for sleeping, not for any toys or desks or anything.

We just went on vacation and shared a single hotel room with three kids and two adults–and it worked out just fine. We would put the kids to bed and then the adults would work on computer/phones or read until we were ready for sleep. But I wouldn’t want to do that permanently.

Can you tell me how you made that black & white print for the girls’ wall? I’d love to do something similar with a photo of my girls!

Such an interesting article. I would like to know more about the correlation of spread of disease and sleeping arrangements. Personally, I love sleeping alone and find such guilty pleasure when I have that opportunity (when either my husband or I are away from home for work). It doesn’t happen often because my now 12 year old daughter loves to share my bed if my husband is away and I do not protest that – she will not want that forever. Sigh. Quality of sleep is important and if co sleeping was the norm, would this suffer? I would wake every time someone stirred and I am sure that would not be healthy for me. And what about spousal intimacy? How would that work if everyone was co sleeping?

I have a 15 year old girl and she always slept in her room except occasionally she would come to our bed. After I divorced her father, the 2 of us shared a bed for about year. Now I am remarried, have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and although they have their own room, we have a family bed. Yes, husband and both baby girls sleep with us. It wasn’t planned but somehow this arrangement feels more natural. I hated sleeping alone when I was a kid so I can’t imagine it being much fun for them. I am thinking we may get them a full bed to share because they seem to like to cuddle.

as #2 of 4 kids,….I desperately wanted my own room growing up. My older sister, and younger brother got their own, why did I have to share with my sister? Our personalities couldn’t have been more different (myself a neat freak, she was/is a slob) I couldn’t fathom why my parents would move, and build a house without a bedroom for each of their children. I think our relationship suffered as kids as a result, that’s how important this was to me and how affected I was by the mess (my parents also never really enforced clean bedrooms, so it was all on me to BEG her to please clean up; and if they did bring it up once, they typically didn’t follow through on the follow up of if it was actually done). This was the source of a lot of tears and arguments when I reflect back on my childhood. It was even mentioned in my sisters maid of honor speech for my wedding (we had to share classrooms as a combined 1-2 grade, same soccer team, same neighborhood friends, I even said as a kid “I would have to share my grave” I’m sure you get how prime this was for toast material). I think it depends on the kid and the situation. Now that I am a mom of 2, and my 14 month old wakes up crying at random points at night due to teeth etc, I am VERY grateful they are in separate rooms so we don’t have to deal with getting 2 children back to bed! ps. my parents were/are great, but both worked, dad building a business, my mom lost her own mom and was dealing with grief during a lot of this.

Such a interesting read..! Our baby boy was in our room in his own little bassinet (mostly) for about five months, then moved next door to his nursery.

Honestly, I think the thing I’d miss most about continuing a room-sharing or co-sleeping arrangement would be pillow-talk with my husband! Yeah you can find time/places to be physical anywhere, but I’d miss the way thoughts surface in the quiet and dark of our bed as we drift off at nighttime.. :)

As our family grow I’m definitely all about room-sharing between kids though- then they get their own pillow-talk!

My husband and I never slept with our twins in our room, though sometimes, they have ended up in bed with us (which we HATE. How can one tiny body take up the bulk of a king sized bed??) They started out sharing a room, but we ended up splitting them because they were always waking each other (and us) up. They have always slept better apart. That said, we’re about to have 2 bedrooms for 3 children, so at some point, someone is going to have to share (we recently tried to put the twins back together…and no, they still wake each other up).

When our baby is born, it will go in crib in a hall closet for now….THAT also gets some interesting reactions from some people! ;)

We have never shared a room with our kids. When they were little babies I would get them from the nursery and bring them into bed with me and fall asleep nursing on the really rough nights, but it’s not something I ever did on purpose. I really like having my own space for sleeping, to the point where even though I’m in a very happy marriage I think the Victorians with their separate husband’s and wives’ bedrooms were on to something! I would insist on my own bedroom if a) we had the extra space and b) I didn’t think it would hurt my husband’s feelings. My husband and I have enough issues because he gets sleepy before I do, so if I’m trying to read in bed he’s beside me grunting for me to turn off the light. I can’t imagine how much more annoying it would be having to share a room with the kids, too!

I laughed at the first comment. My five-year-old also asks me why he has to be in his own room when my husband and I get to share.

Our older son always slept alone (and liked it!) but our younger son has always wanted to sleep with someone else (preferably plastered up against them, but at least in the same room). He was really sad when he stopped sharing a room with his brother (but his brother was really glad to have his own space). Even at age 10, if my husband is out of town he will sometimes ask if he can sleep with me. Interestingly, it also matches up with their introvertedness/extrovertedness.

I find this interesting as there are also many studies that show that we sleep better on our own and that particularly couples have deeper and better sleep if they sleep in their own room as you are not disturbed by your partners snoring/breathing/moving etc. I would assume that this would apply to children sleeping in the same room as well. I am a very light sleeper and vacations in hotel rooms are the worst for me as I can hear everyone in the room move, breathe, etc and I’m staring at the ceiling. I’m sure it’s different for every person, but I could not imagine all of us sleeping int he same room all the time. I am just so pleased I no longer need to interrupt my sleep with kids coming into my bed int he middle of the night.

Our parents were strict about not letting us in their bed, but they didn’t mind if we moved into one another’s rooms (I am female and have a brother who is 3 years younger). We shared a room with bunk beds for awhile but would often end up on the bottom bunk together up through when I was about 8. After we had our own rooms, we would set up “sleepovers” in either one of our bedrooms or a totally different part of the house…not as much on school nights but definitely on weekends and summers. Yes, we had two twin beds in two different rooms of the house but we would sleep on the floor in a third room instead. My husband also shared a room with his younger sibling and we plan on it for our own future children, even if there is enough space for everyone to have their own.

Funny enough, I now really enjoy having my own bed. If my husband and I are on vacation and end up in a room with two beds, each of us will take one. We are moving into a bigger house soon and already are excited about the possibilities of being able to move into another room if our sleep gets disturbed by the other person.

I share a bedroom with my 4 yr old son because we live in a small one-bedroom house. I generally don’t think too much about it unless I want to read myself to sleep, which I sometimes do with a headlamp. I have sometimes felt bad that I don’t have the financial means to move into a larger home but I also think that it works for us. I rarely let him sleep in my bed because I want to sleep well. It does seem strange to have young children be all alone at night, it can be a lonely and spooky time.
I don’t have a partner so I don’t lose out on adult time and only have overnight guests when my son is staying with his father.
I really kind of like sharing a room with him.

It might sounds funny or strange but whenever I think about what could be the right set up for my kids, the one they are built for, I picture us living in caves and how it would be then – because people didn’t change much since then in their physical set up and also because this always worked for me.
My kids sleep definitely better with us in the same room, always did, but I also like my alone time in the evening. So I’m with them in their bed room when they fall asleep and when they wake up during the night they can always come into our bed room and stay there. I am a very deep sleeper by the way. I never hear them coming. I just like that they never feel alone at night.
The analogy with the cave also worked for me when it came to carrying and feeding and if it didn’t work so well, if I was a different person and my kids wouldn’t be so content with the basic set up, I wouldn’t stick to it. I like things down to earth: trees make me happy, white sugar is making me go crazy and pure wool makes me feel instantly warm and cozy. I like sitting by the fire with other people, sharing tents and cabins with almost strangers and having my kids cuddled up with me at night just seems so natural.
I am never surprised when I hear from kids who don’t sleep well alone in their own room because I don’t think they are made for it. But if they are, that is cool, too.

I hate to admit it, but our 10yr old still sleeps with us (most nights). He is our baby and it has always felt natural to have him close. Sometimes my husband actually sleeps on the couch and I am in our bed with kids and dogs lol. Our older kids also co-slept, but not as consistently as our youngest has. They grow so fast and before you know it they are gone (our oldest is 21); I am so thankful for all of the nights we shared watching movies, talking and just cuddling. In my opinion, it creates a very strong honest bond with your children.

Interesting! I remember reading the Little House on the Prairie series as a kid and being struck by the fact that they all shared a bedroom. I knew enough about what parents did in bed to know that I wouldn’t want to wake up to that. haha

That said, I think it’s so good for kids to share a bedroom. My sister and I did until I was 15 and even then we had a Jack-and-Jill bathroom that connected our two bedrooms. We’d leave the doors open and yabber back and forth until one of us fell asleep. That worked well for us at that age, as I was very clean and my sister was not so much. But the years we shared a bedroom were so much fun and good for us. We learned how to make compromises, make due with a small space, and we were always there to comfort one another. My parents occasionally intervened but it was mostly when my sister’s side (yes, we had sides) of the room turned into a total disaster.

My sons shared a bedroom (first by necessity, later by choice) until the younger of the two decided at 12 that he wanted his own room. We rearranged the bedroom situation and made that happen. I know a family with four children who has two bedrooms, each with a king and queen pushed together. One bedroom is for the night owls and the other for the early birds. Dad is an owl and Mom a bird, so each get some kids and a bedtime that works for them. (They homeschool so don’t have the rigor of school schedules.) As for the history, it’s hard for me to imagine it’s not simply a matter of bigger/better/more we Americans are famous for.

My daughter co-slept with us until she was 3. Then she moved to a toddler bed in our room (we have a one-bedroom apartment). When she was 6, we moved to the living room and she had the bedroom to herself, which is still our setup (she’s now 15). A lot of this was driven by the necessities of very little space, but I also liked having her close by when she was little.

My babies all slept in our room until they were one, then into their own or sharing with a sibling. Right now our 2 girls share and our 2 boys share, but our oldest (12 year old girl) is close to getting her own room. The problem is, that when she gets her own room, the baby (6 year old girl) also gets her own by default. Although I don’t think my 2 boys (8 and 9) mind sharing, they might feel it’s unfair that the girls each get their own room and they have to share. I don’t know if there is a good solution to this, since we only have the 3 kids bedrooms.

Super interesting–everything from the article, to the post, to the comments. We had both of our sons cosleep with us, either in our bed or in a cosleeper attached to the bed like a side car for the first several months of their lives. Once they moved to their own rooms I still brought them into my bed anytime they were scared or sick. When my younger son was a toddler he started screaming whenever we’d leave his room at night after putting him to bed, and realizing he might want company we moved him in with his older brother. This fixed the issue, and he went to sleep much more easily. They’ve shared a room ever since (they’re 7 and 4 now). We actually downsized recently, realizing we didn’t need the # of bedrooms we previously had.

Although my husband and I do prefer to have our bed to ourselves, we still allow them in if they’re scared or sick. I remember when I was little–even into high school–my mom (a single mother) ALWAYS allowed me to share her bed if I was upset or scared. I found such comfort in that, and I want my kids to feel that as well.

Re: going to bed at different times, when we are all sharing a room (i.e. if there’s a thunderstorm at bedtime and we put them to bed together in our room, or if we’re sharing a hotel room with a single bedroom), we simply put them to bed at their bedtime and come in to sleep later when we’re ready. They’re always already asleep, and our joining doesn’t disturb them :)

I slept alone as a child and hated it, so all 3 of my kids slept in our bed when they were little and were always allowed to get in bed with us when they were older if they wanted to. When I put them to sleep in their own beds as older children, I read and sang them to sleep every night. Now that they are teenagers I still spend time with them every night. My middle one has PANS and for a while would have terrible ticks and involuntary movements when he was trying to go to sleep so I would rub his feet until he fell asleep. He is better now but I still sit with him at night and that is when he tells me about his day and his life in middle school. My youngest still wants to sleep in our bed but she is getting so big that there just isn’t room. If she really wants to we let her and then move her to her bed when we go to sleep. I never really worried about weather it was right or wrong to sleep alone or to co-sleep. We always just did what felt right and what made the kids feel safe and comfortable.

This is a very well timed post for my family. Our 2 year old sleeps in our room in her own crib and I have been thinking about moving my 5 year old son into our room, in his own bed, and making it the sleeping room. I feel sad that everyone (including the dog) is in our room and he is alone in his. Most nights he ends up in our bed, which is hard for us to get good sleep. If all the kids were in their own beds, in our room, would we all sleep much better?

I have often thought about the evolution of sleeping arrangements in our homes – I had entire seminar devoted to American Housing in undergrad. Really, if we are able to have a conversation about any options for sleeping, we are speaking from a position of wealth. When I made home visits as a teacher, I frequently entered homes with 6+ people sleeping in a 2 bedroom house. The discussion of people having their own rooms is a total luxury. (Not that people shouldn’t have that luxury – just making a point.) For many, the decline in multi-generational living has developed into a surplus of bedrooms!

My firstborn slept in a crib in our room for one night only – I couldn’t sleep with his rustling and movement. Our second went straight into our room. The kids are now four and six and sleep together – they don’t think it’s fair that they have to sleep alone when their dad and I sleep together and it’s hard not to agree with their point.

We lived in a really small house when my first was born, so he slept in our room in his bed right next to us. I liked having him close by and he liked being in there with us. When I was pregnant with my daughter two years later we tried to move him into his own room, but he was really reluctant to leave us, so often he’d still sleep in my daughter’s crib while my daughter co-slept with my husband and I.

Here we are now, many years and a total of seven kids later. We live in a three-bedroom home on five acres. My three older boys (14, 11, 10) all share a room, and my now 12-year-old daughter shares a room with our 3-year-old and 2-year-old, while our 1-year-old still sleeps in our room. However, whenever any of them want to be in bed with us, we allow it — that usually means our 3-year-old more than any of the others though.

Our kids DO sometimes wish they had their own room; however, they also have a lot of space to roam around here, so that does make up for it. As a parent, I do wish for more space, but NEVER for separate rooms. I know I personally shared a room, as the oldest, with my brother until I was 7, and then when my sister came along when I was 9 I shared a room with her until I left for college. There were frustrations about responsibilities and keeping it clean; however, I think it also made us a whole lot closer. It seems to be doing the same for my kiddos too.

A read a great book while I was pregnant called Our Babies Ourselves written by Meredith Small a science journalist, anthropologist, and professor at Cornell University. The most profound thing I learned was that in ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY including all of the primates the only mothers that didn’t sleep with their babies where in the US and Western Europe in the last 100 years. That was crazy to me! Needless to say we co slept!

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/407854.Our_Babies_Ourselves

This is a great example of a time to take a page from Amy Poehler’s book and say, “Good for you. Not for me.” Parenting is so personal and everyone’s choices are so different and equally valid! Here’s my experience for anyone who is interested. :)

I don’t like sleeping alone, so I feel badly making my kids sleep alone! That being said, good sleep for everyone is so important to everyone’s mental and physical health at our house. Especially for my depression-prone, light sleeper husband. He barely likes sleeping with me. We have a California king bed and sleep with separate covers so we don’t disturb each other. Since we’ve had kids, we do a combination of things. Co-slept with the nursing babies (until about 10 months with firstborn, 8 months with second born, 6 months with third born). And now my bigger kids (who share a room, the toddler is still in a crib in her own room), end up in our room about half of the time in the middle of the night or early morning. Since they are large and tend to disturb our sleep, we have made a little bed on the floor next to us with an extra crib mattress that they can come into at any time, although sometimes they come into the big bed. We snuggle with them in their beds as they are falling asleep. I try to remember that nighttime parenting is still parenting, even though I’m exhausted. :)

I was from a big family,, so sharing wasn’t optional.
On the whole, I’m pro-sharing, as long as the kids are also able to have some quiet time to themselves to read, write, or just play from time to time.

We also co-slept out of necessity since my babies all wanted to nurse every 1.5 hours and refused to sleep at night unless they were by my side. In retrospect, I can’t imagine putting my baby in a different room.

It’s funny how kids’ personalities affect their best sleeping arrangement. My middle child sleeps better with someone else in the room, but my daughter is *cranky* when she’s tired and does better without anyone else in the room to incur her wrath O_O

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Am I the first commenter to bring up how “hanky panky” can happen if you share a room with your kids??? How can that all work if there is no parental space? I am a big believer in having the master bedroom not only being off limits, but being the nicest room in the house. My kids have free rein of the rest of the house. My room is MY room.

My son is a deep sleeper who moves constantly throughout his sleep. Sharing a bed with him is quite comfortable cause he will literally try to use my head as a pillow. My daughter is a light sleeper and often comes to our bed in the middle of the night and that’s fine for us as long as she starts in her own bed. I firmly believe in good sleeping habits. Sleep is such a huge issue and can be a struggle well into adulthood. I just don’t think you can get a restful sleep with many people in a single bed.

We co-slept with our babies and then there was a point when all three kids shared a room. Then, they boys shared a room and my daughter moved into her own tiny room. Our youngest (now 13) has never slept without another in his room so when his older brother left for college, the dog moved into his room (and sleeps on the bed). I, also, do not like to sleep alone so when my husband it out of town, I encourage anyone who wants to sleep with mom to hop on in. The dog usually takes me up on the offer. :)

I always find it interesting that more people don’t have a co-sleeping arrangement. Our situation just keeps evolving. We’re always trying to find the current best fit. My daughter just turned two and the most recent iteration of our sleep is: she has a queen sized bed in her room. I lay with until she falls asleep, go to bed later with my husband, but if/when she calls for me I take my pilow and sleep with her. It gives her the security she needs, keeps my husband from getting kicked awake constantly, and feels natural for me to go to her when she needs me. I dont personally understand the constant desire for more and more independence. I figure she’ll get there eventually, there is no need for me to force it. But overall live and let live, amiright?

I find it really hard to sleep with my daughter, though my husband has no problem! In order for me to get the sleep I needed we put her in her own room at 3months, and never let her to stay in our bed if she woke up at night, until we got a twin size bed for her that I could go sleep in and leave her and my husband. They have the same positions and expressions; it would be cute if it weren’t so annoying! It’s really just her as a preschooler on down where I had this problem though, now I often fall asleep while reading to her until she wakes me up and kicks me out of her bed!

6 years later we’re expecting another, and I found these comments a really helpful reminder of how different these two kids are likely to be. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep in the same room as the new baby?

Sorry, but just because something doesn’t have a long history doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be doing it (see: vaccination, computers, airplanes, etc.) Not everything new is good, obviously, and sleeping in one’s own bed, alone, is certainly a luxury we should not take for granted, but for some people it’s definitely the best way for everyone to get some sleep.

Our kids shared a room with us until 4-ish. At some point, we put our mattress on the floor and their toddler beds next to ours so if they rolled out, it was onto our bed, so they had a soft landing. I figure we’re mammals and most mammals sleep together. In fact, I don’t know any mammal that doesn’t sleep near its young. I figure their brains develop such that they expect someone responsive to be close by and figure that I might as well work with evolution instead of against it. Now they all (3 of them) share a room together. They will sometimes climb into each other’s beds or come into our bed in the middle of the night and I let it it happen. They are still little mammals and little mammals like connection and warmth.

We have 2 year old twins and a 4 year old daughter and a few days after being very frightened by smoke detectors going off in the middle of the night our daughter declared that it was unfair that her brothers share a room and my wife and I share a room and that she is all alone! She got a sleeping bag and moved herself and all of her stuffed animals into our room. She stayed for a few nights and then moved back to her own room!

I think one thing missing from this discussion is how families used to do everything together in the home and on the farm even from a very young age. If everyone is getting up to milk cows before dawn and work outside all day without the tractors, dishwashers, gas ovens, chainsaws, etc, then going to bed at the same time or close to it and in the same room probably wasn’t a big deal. A lot of things have changed and I think the change in sleeping habits reflect that.
To chime in on sleeping arrangements, we have an 800 sq ft apartment for 7 people. At first I had all 5 kids in one room but my oldest 2 just can’t wind down if they have an audience. (Literally they can keep it up for hours) So I put the youngest 3 in one room, the oldest 2 in their own room but they take turns sleeping on the couch, so they are never in the room at bedtime together. My husband gets up super early sooo if I want to do anything at night, here I am in the bathroom so I don’t disturb anyone with the light on. It’s a crazy arrangement in some ways, but temporary.
I would love to hear more about other cultures and their sleeping habits! Many still do co sleeping!

I loved reading this. We live in a two bedroom home and our boys (4+2) share a room. Just found out yesterday we are expecting baby #3 who will eventually share the room with them. I sometimes feel guilty that we don’t have more space, but we love our cozy house and I enjoy reading about other families who make shared rooms work well.

All three of my babies have slept in the same room as us, at least for the first 4-5 months. But I could never get comfortable co sleeping (Lots of irrational postpartum thoughts there), and in their own bassinet each was so noisy I would constantly wake from their noises and then to nurse, and more noises, etc…I did not sleep well. Now the older two (6&3) share a room and the baby is on his own so he won’t disturb the other two. But, as soon as he is old enough and sleeping well enough the plan is to have all three (boy, girl, boy) share the same room since its only for sleeping and toys are elsewhere. I like it because it seems fair-no one is left out of having their own room. And for now, at least, they really like it and enjoy having someone close by. My oldest also has asked why can’t he come sleep with me, daddy does. He wants to too, ha!

I’ve thought about this often, even before having kids. So glad there’s more talk about it. Excellent article!
While travelling in China, before children, my husband and I stayed with a family near the Kyrgyzstan border. They lived in a yurt, just one room, and the Mom, Dad, and 3 girls all slept together in one long bed. We slept in the same room with them, just a few feet away. When I first saw the sleeping arrangement, I was a little taken aback, but when it came time to sleep, it was totally comfortable. We all went to bed when the sun went down and it felt normal and natural.
Ever since, I’ve thought about why our culture sleeps apart, but I was still fooled into believing that it’s unsafe for our children to sleep with us or it’s weird or it doesn’t give parents alone time. But, now that my kids are out of infancy, both my husband and I agree that they should sleep with us. Lately, we’ve been sleeping with at least one of them every night. We’ve realized that they won’t be little forever and we need to take advantage. I’ve also found that I sleep better when I’m touching another person, holding hands, even holding a little foot! I can always get back to sleep faster if I’m skin to skin with someone.
My oldest moved to his own room about a year ago and has recently been saying that he feels lonely in there. He wants sleepovers with his brother and sister. So now we’re thinking about totally rearranging the kids so they’re all sleeping in the same room. They seem to like it, so why not?

Such an interesting article to read out. Sometimes children want to share space with parents but sometimes they don’t.

We have a son (almost 11 years old) who would sleep with us every night if he could. Our compromise is that we have regular sleepovers (sometimes as often as once a weekend but usually once a month on a weekend) where he comes into our bed much earlier than his usual bedtime and we spend about an hour either reading, playing games together on the iPad, or watching a movie in bed, and we always follow it up with a long D&M (deep and meaningful conversation.) These conversations are the most intimate we ever have with him and we’re always surprised at what he will reveal about his school day etc. Well beyond the usual ‘good’ response when he comes home from school. Aside from our own lives, the breadth and depth of topics we end up discussing is huge and these conversations are a brilliant way for us to help him think critically and explore themes that seldom come up in our day to day lives.

I appreciate that this is easy for us to manage as we only have one child, but I imagine that if we had several children we’d have slumber parties in the living room and turn the whole floor into a soft area by dragging our mattresses into the room (as we have done for birthday party sleepovers.) We’re huge co-sleeping fans, but more to the point, it is the time spent before you drift off to sleep, either engaged in a deep conversation or giggling from being overtired, that makes co-sleeping such an incredible thing for all the family.

My toddler started out in a cradle at birth, then a crib at 4 months—both in our room partly because we didn’t have enough bedrooms but mostly because it was just easier having her close at night to nurse. Then the 4 month sleep regression hit. After a week of her waking up every hour or so, I put her in bed next to me, and suddenly she was sleeping again. Bedsharing was not what we set out to do, but I did a lot of reading on safe bedsharing practices, and for us, it was the only way we all got sleep.
Now my baby is a 20 month old toddler, and we’re starting to think about the next baby, which for me means weaning and probably changing our sleeping arrangements. She’ll stay in our room for now though, just on a separate sleeping surface with a bit more distance from the boob.
And “hanky panky”? My husband and I have always had different bedtimes, so nightime sex has never been a thing for us. But morning and afternoon sex? Yes please. ;)

My daughter slept so thoroughly and easily in her early days that we took credit for it! Ha! But when my son came, he did not. Ever. And it isn’t until now that he is 8 that I have finally realized that he hates being alone. Ever. And this includes the time when he is supposed to be sleeping and this has “caused sleep problems”. It has opened my eyes to the assumptions we make that are not necessarily rooted in anything more than Western capitalism and custom.

We’ve had some really interesting sleep arrangements in our house. When my first was born he stayed in our room until he was about 4 months, then he moved to a crib. When he was about 15 months we lived with my parents for a few months and he slept with us in our bed. We moved to our new house right as his brother was born, so big brother had a crib in his own room and baby slept in a bassinet\pack in play for about a year in our room.
Then my oldest didn’t want to sleep alone, so my husband slept with him in a separate room. Along came brother three and middle brother moved to his own room in a crib. Baby slept in a bassinet and older brother slept in a toddler bed in our room.
Then when baby was 14 months, done nursing, and finally slept through the night. He got his own room (he was a super light sleeper) and middle brother moved into our room with big brother. So we had two kids sleeping in our room on mattresses for almost a year!!! Then when baby brother was two, I said, ENOUGH! So they all moved into the same room together and my husband and I finally have our room back! (although we are considering having baby #4) People think we are crazy, but that is what worked for us.
They still love to sleep in our bed and sneak in whenever they get the chance. :)

I’ve thought about this a lot, and about the historical precedent of cosleeping, because my son sleeps terribly. It’s been a constant battle since he was a newborn, and we have gone to sleep specialists and consultants, done every kind of sleep training there is, a sleep study, etc. without much improvement. It has always made me wonder if I had just planned to cosleep from the beginning if he would be a better sleeper. (Side note: we did cosleep at various points but it was not really planned).

But…one thing I can’t really figure out when I read about this historical cosleeping (and think about present day co sleeping): what about naps? My kids have never napped well in a carrier except when they were very little, and their naps and nighttime sleep are so connected that any time they slept with me at night they also didn’t nap well without me holding/nursing them.

Last thing: more than the cosleeping discussion, I think the most interesting point in that article was about couples sleeping separately! I read the article it linked to, and it’s crazy, yet really not surprising that people are even asking for two master bedrooms in new houses! My parents and grandparents both slept separately for years, but I always thought it reflected on their relationships. I’m willing to consider the idea that it doesn’t have to–I’m definitely intrigued!

We are currently renovating our house and live in a one-room garage apartment with our 2 kids (9 and 6). We have been here for 6 months, and I will honestly miss the feeling of waking in the dark and having the people I love most within arms reach! The girls had seperate rooms before but now want to share a room. This experience has made us slow down, get more sleep, and become closer as a family.

Definitely an interesting topic! I like my own room and bed, personally (though I’m not married/living with a significant other). My younger sister and I shared a room for 13 years and it was NOT a positive experience for either of us. We fought a ton, we tried every trick in the book to fairly divide the space, and the second my brother went to college (actually, the summer before while he was still living with us full-time), we convinced our parents to turn the dining room into his room and for me to move into his bedroom (the dining room was downstairs and I was afraid of burglars and my parents didn’t trust my sister to have a bedroom so close to the front door…). Our relationship improved so much after that. I did share rooms in college, which actually was fine, but I sleep better by myself. I don’t think I’d want any potential future kids to sleep in my room (or, for that matter, a snoring husband). I’m just too light of a sleeper.

My sister and I shared a room when we were little, and when we moved into a new house, my older sister and I each got our own rooms (they were tiny) while my younger sister shared a larger room with my mom. So my younger sister shared a room (sometimes a bed) pretty much always growing up. Then she had roommates in college and then lived with boys. Through therapy, she realized that by never having her own space (among other things of course), it made it more difficult for her to be on her own – she would stay in relationships because she was afraid to be by herself. I think about this when I read about this topic. I do think there are many benefits for kids sharing rooms, especially when they are young, but I also think there’s a time for allowing them to have their own space and to become comfortable being by themselves.

Lots of things are a ‘historical anomaly’. Not dropping dead at the first sign of bacterial infection is a historical anomaly. Washing your clothes in an electric appliance instead of beating them with a rock in the river is a historical anomaly. Having an education is a historical anomaly. We ‘make’ kids sleep alone because technological and social advances gave us the resources for larger living spaces and somewhere along the way many of us have figured out that if we place Junior down for his sleep on the other side of a wall, the whole family can sleep peacefully through the night instead of waking up 2 hourly because Junior got a whiff of Mummy’s breastmilk or heard the ruffling of the discount Anthropologie duvet as Daddy rolls over in bed for the 10th time that night. I’m fully embracing this historical anomaly!

We never intended to have a family bed and tried so many different sleep methods in the early months (much to the chagrin of our NYC neighbors). We finally saw a pediatrician who told us that some children simply won’t be trained and suggested that we make peace with co-sleeping and that our son would eventually outgrow it. It took 4 years, but the doctor was right. He eased out of our bed when he was ready, took a great deal of pride in being able to sleep alone when he decided he wanted to, and he’s a champion sleeper now. In hindsight, I’m grateful we gave up sleep training. My son is such a loving, physically affectionate child who still swoops in for a cuddle now and then. It all goes so fast, and with the pre-teen years upon us, I think I’ll always be glad we had that foundation.

My kids have always slept in their own rooms because both like quiet, dark, noiseless caves for sleeping. They have always been welcome to join us in our room if they wake in the middle of the night and want comfort. In reality what this looked like was a little one showing up some time during the six o’clock hour and having a little nap with mommy and daddy before we all woke to begin our day.
Now that they are older, they sleep past us :)

I was second oldest in a family of 8. My older sister was deathly afraid of spiders and spent most night in my room. We were the only 2 to have our own, so I was a bit annoyed. No one was allowed to go into my parents room after lights out and it took me many years to figure out why:) Now I have 5 kids and they have rarely had to share. My middle child has always had her own room. She is in a sorority now and when she was rushing, we were introduced to the concept of the cold dorm. My husband was horrified by the idea of 75 girls sharing a bunk room. My daughter said she had always wanted roommates. Of course we learn that now. One of my kids asked me when I was going to be grown up enough to have my own room. We are in the process of downsizing and this will be a point of contention for the 2 still at home.

We co sleep with our infant (she has a co sleeper by our bed but ends up with us when she needs to nurse). Our two year old comes into our room (he can let himself in!) at some point during the night.

Also, my dad worked the night shift growing up so I slept next to my mom for forever! I am pretty sure she preferred it that way!

This is such an interesting read… I am sure it is all cultural preference. We have a two bedroomed home, and ten in the family… my older boys are in one room… and my daughters have another… my little kids still like to sleep in our big family bed. It works for us. Honestly they grow up so fast and I imagine that my hubs and I are not going to know what to do in our home when it is just the two of us. Honestly millions of folk the world over, live in a one roomed home and I am guessing they all sleep. We just figured that our bedrooms were sleeping and our kitchen is a massive room where we spend most of our indoor time. That being said… we live in a climate (Cape Town, South Africa) where outdoor living is kind of the norm and my kids spend almost all day outside everyday.

I actually love co-sleeping. So much so that my husband is building us a custom family bed. My boy/girl twins have always shared a room but our son hates being alone in his bed and loves to snuggle. How can I say no to his arms around me in the middle of the night? They are seven by the way. We usually read a story and then let them drift off to sleep in our bed. Sometimes they choose to go to their beds or sleepily stumble back into ours. Either way is fine with us! They won’t want us this way forever so I’ll take what I can get!!

Only after leaving home and out of dorm life did I realize how lonely sleeping by myself is! I had such insomnia when my roommates would be out of town that I had to get a snuggly cat. Now married, without children, I still have trouble sleeping when my husband is traveling overnight. I usually get the dogs into bed with me to help.

I am also a nanny now for 10 years and have seen so many different sleeping arrangements! It seems like anything that works, works! Having children sleeping is the most accomplished feeling of the entire day. I think that each waking personality has its own accompanying sleep personality- and this seems to prove itself with each baby I meet. As people get to know and live with each other, they find what works the best for them. Heck, even my three dogs have their own preferred sleeping spots. Why would it be different for humans. Some of us like to be together and some of us like to be alone. Some like cavelike rooms and some like screened in porches.

I get the best sleep when someone is rhythmically snoring next to me. A roommate typing away or guitar a couple rooms away will put me to sleep any day! What a fascinating topic.

Some of most creative sleeping arrangements work the best- so find what works for you and those you live with and don’t pay any attention to where you’re “supposed to” be sleeping.

We share a one bedroom and so our five year old has her bed next to ours. We all go to sleep at different times so it works out really well for us. When she has a bad dream or is sick in the night we are right there.
I always had my own room and wasn’t allowed in my parents room and often felt quite alone. I loved the idea that other cultures co-sleep and I wanted a sleeping space for everyone. We really don’t use our bedroom for anything other than sleeping and dressing.

My sister and I shared a room with one bed until I was seven and then we moved to a house with our own rooms. She came for “a sleepover’ one night early on and stayed until we were almost in high school. It worked for us although we had our fair share of kicking each other, etc. We had our own space when we wanted it though. My poor dad would hit the couch when one of us was sick or couldn’t sleep, so we could sleep with Mom, but that was rare. I always had my first sleep in his room next to ours until my second came. She slept in the nursery then and he slept in his room. For the next four or five years our oldest slept on our floor almost all night. We just went with it as long as everyone was sleeping. My husband and I split ways when he developed sleep apnea. In the last year, my oldest has moved to sleeping with his sister in her room and my husband is back thanks to the wonderful cpap. We are sleeping and loving each other and I know it will change again. Family life is always adapting – especially in the area of sleep!

I have four kids (two boys and two girls). The two oldest used to share a room and loved it so much that when we moved to a bigger place (and had two more children) they suggested we should put two king sized beds next to each other where ALL SIX of us could sleep together :) It’s a sweet idea even though I have a feeling we wouldn’t all get a good sleep. Now the older two have separate rooms and the youngest two share a room where they themselves pushed their toddler beds next to each other. Sharing is good and I’m definitely pro co-sleeping.

I find it interesting that much of the discussion regarding room-sharing has been around differing bedtimes. It’s our differing waking times that concern me! My husband and I both work traditional hours outside the home and we both use alarm clocks. I *may* have ‘snooze button’ addiction as well. After we wake (at separate times), we each use the en-suite bathroom to get read for our day. There is no way either of our kids would sleep through the light/showers/shaving/flushing of a busy morning.

We are fortunate enough to have bedrooms large enough to accommodate queen sized beds and our home was partially furnished when we bought it. As a result our kids have giant beds! It allows my husband and I to lie down and sleep with them as needed, but also gives us the freedom to wake back up and head to our own bed without disturbing the sleeping kiddo.

I’m so glad this article was written because we really need a reframing of co-sleeping in the US to be understood as a biological norm (not a danger, not a relationship killer) and an aspect of parenting that has real benefits for the entire family especially children. I also wonder if our desire to impose solitary sleeping on children from a very young age is one of many factors in our epidemic levels of anxiety and depression in our culture. I read somewhere that Japan has some of the highest rates of co-sleeping and it happens to be one of the least violent societies in the world. So many interesting conversations related to this topic. Thanks for bringing it up!

I grew up in a one-room apartment in Moscow, where all of us (my parents and my 2 siblings) slept in the same room. My parents would put us to bed and then go sit in the kitchen, which was a tiny room off the entryway. But it had a door, so they could watch a small television or talk or my mom, who’s a teacher, would grade papers and prepare lessons. When we moved to America, our relatives — who had been here for five years already — encouraged us to go big, and we rented a three-bedroom townhouse. I was 13 and very quickly got used to all the space. My mom cringes every time we talk about the dinky Moscow apartment.

My four kids all slept in our room and our bed when they were younger. It wasn’t our original plan, it just evolved. However, it spared us the worry of trying to reach a helpless child in the event of an earthquake or fire.

I have never been opposed to co-sleeping with my children, but for some reason I never slept well with a baby in bed with me. Now I crave the time of being close with just my husband – as I see the kids a lot more during the day and need my adult time at night.
But growing up in a big family, I’ve come to not like being too alone, so I would always rather share a room than not.
I have two girls and two boys and we just moved to a house where the two sets will be sharing a room as long as we live here – and that’s just how I like it. They hate sleeping apart from each other and I love that. It also makes traveling more convenient and less expensive (fewer hotel rooms) and I’m convinced it makes them better sleepers to learn to sleep through the noises other people make. There are challenges, of course, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

https://instagram.com/p/BF-QF3vFWrK/
I posted this thought awhile back.
Last year when our parents visited our home, we decided to free up a room for them by lining up our own beds in a row. Our master br was large. We had a 7 & 1 yr old then.
We never slept so deeply and peacefully. A temporary logistical setup ended up a permanent decision. As for different bed times, we each had one but did not have a challenge. We each tucked in at our own time. That said our bedrooms have always been sleep only sanctuaries. We do not have any play, reading, sex, or other people in our bedrooms. They are a haven for sleep. Our co-sleeping arrangement was easy from that point of view.

I had all four of my kids in under 5 years (crazy, I know!) and now they are ages 3, 4, 6, and 8. They are all four in one bedroom currently (two bunk beds). They all four struggle going to sleep if I’m not in the room (sigh), and both my girls (and occasionally the boys) really struggle to make it through the night in their own beds. They want to be where i am. It’s hard. To be honest, most nights after the three year old crawls into my bed, I take her back to her bed and finish the night in her bed. She and I sleep better like that than in the bigger bed with my husband. But I’d really prefer sleeping all night with my husband. I wonder all the time how I’m going to “fix” the sleep mess we seem to be in. When will my kids go to bed without me?! When will they sleep all night without me? I am a snugglier sleeper than my husband, so I don’t mind as much as he does. And I know I’ll always treasure these years, but I do sometimes wonder if someday I’ll have teenagers sleeping on my floor haha.

Co-sleeping with my babies became a definite “no” after a frightening experience I had with one of my babies. Not worth the risk. Plus, my marriage would suffer if I didn’t have that alone time with my husband. As far as kids sharing bedrooms – I think it totally depends on the kids themselves, and their ages. When my kids were younger, they shared bedrooms, but as they’ve grown older, they are loving having their own space. I hated sharing a room with my little sister and loved it when the older kids moved out so we could have our own bedroom.

[…] Why do we make children sleep alone? […]

I never thought I would sleep with my kids, and after a few months of having the baby in our bedroom in a cradle/bassinet, we dutifully moved the baby into a crib. My older daughter slept in her crib for over a year without problem, then turned 2, started climbing out of it, and has slept in our bed ever since (she’ll be five in June). My youngest daughter slept in our room as a baby and then made a similar transition to her crib and seems to be very happy there. Sometimes I wonder if she’ll feel left out knowing that the three of us sleep in a king size bed in one room and she sleeps alone in her crib, but even when I’m rocking her, she’ll point to the crib when she’s ready to lie down and say “I love you! Good night!” as I’m leaving the room, whereas her sister would have to be asleep before we put her in the crib or have one of us pat her back until she fell asleep.

We continue with this arrangement right now because it won’t last forever and because it works. I don’t want bedtime to be a battleground (anymore than the usual toothbrushing and winding down can already be). No one is sad or uncomfortable about bedtime, and it’s another a reminder of how different my kids are from one another.

I hope that when my kids get older they will eventually share a room and I’ll reclaim my own bed, but my daughter is such a sound sleeper that once she’s asleep, my husband and I can talk, read, and watch TV without disturbing here. (And we find other locations for any additional activities). So for now, I treasure those cuddles with her.

This is something on my mind lately. We have three boys: a 4 year old and twins who are nearly 2. Over the last month or two my singleton has been asking at bedtime why he has to sleep alone and that he doesn’t want to sleep by himself.

He has slept in his own room since he was 6 months old but recently it seems he’s become aware that everyone else in the house shares a room. I’m starting to wonder if he should be moved in with his brothers for a little while.

When me and my sister were young, we shared the same room with my parents. Our bunk bed was placed beside their bed and we lived like this until we finally moved to our own home when I was around eleven years old and my sister at seven. In our new place, we had our own room, which was such a delight for us. Maybe, for my daughter, I would slowly introduce the thought of having her own room to her, but I won’t force it on her. Once she has the initiative and decides to have her own room, that’s the time that we will push through with having her sleep alone.

I am the 5th of 8, so I never had my own room. I thought it was fun to share. I’ve always imagined a room like you made for all the kids, but our houses have yet to agree! Add to that we have 3 girls followed by a boy. I think the sharing works best if everyone is doing it, and I agree with Maude that 4 in a room get along better than 2 and 2. As for sleeping with us? no. Not gonna happen. As babies it often happened for middle-of-the-night wake ups, but not as they got older.
Also, I loved your dorm design for the girls room, I think it is fun!

For us, it’s a matter of economics. With 4 people in a 500 sq ft apartment, we all sleep in the only bedroom. We have a full size bed and my girls, 12 & 9, are in a bunk bed. It doesn’t bother me. In college, I was in a sorority and about 50 of us slept in the sleeping porch.

[…] Should Children Sleep Alone? History Says No, Modern Parents Say Yes […]

I heard that children may later have a problem in staying alone in their room and falling asleep by themselves. I know, however, that for many mothers this is the only solution, because child will sleep only with them. In such a case, it is worth using the methods of learning to fall asleep – maybe it helps. I myself used the Hold with Love (HWL) method. I even read a short book about it, by Susan Urban. It made it easier for me to teach falling alone asleep my second child, I can also recommend it.

I KNOW I’M SO LATE… LOL. BUT MY 6 (NEARLY 7) YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS JUST NOW SLEEPING ALONE. I HAVE ALWAYS SHARED A BED WITH HER. I TRIED PUTTING HER IN A CRIB AS A BABY BUT HER LEGS WOULD END UP THROUGH THE RAILS. IT WOULD SCARE ME. SO AT ABOUT A MONTH OLD I MOVED MY MATTRESS ON TO THE FLOOR AND I DIDN’T PUT IT BACK ON THE FRAME TILL SHE WAS 2 NEARLY 3. TONIGHT IS HER FIRAT NIGHT IN HER OWN ROOM AND I THINK I’M HAVI G A HARDER TIME WITH IT THAN SHE IS 😣. IT TOOK HER 5 MIN TO FALL ASLEEP AND I’M LOOKING UP ARTICLES TO FIGURE OUT IF I DID THE RIGHT THING BY GIVING HER THIS OPPORTUNITY. I ASSURED HER THAT IM JUST A FEW FEET AWAY, (WE LIVE IN AN APARTMENT), IF SHE NEEDS ANYTHING. AND I EXPECT HER TO CRAWL IN MY BED DURING BAD WEATHER OR IF SHE HAS NIGHTMARES. I GUESS I’M JUST WANTING HER TO ALWAYS NEED ME. (I KNOW SHE’S GETTING MORE INDEPENDENT AND I’M BEING SELFISH) MAY GOD HELP ME NO SABOTAGE MY CHILDS INDEPENDENCE AND GROWTH FOR MY OWN SELFISH NEEDS.

As a middle child, I always had to share rooms with either by younger brother or older sister. At 14 years old, we moved and I got my own room which was just about the most dreamy thing I could have imagined. What I realize now is that my older sister stayed up late at night and was very restless, which kept me awake. My son slept with us until his sideways sleeping drove him out of the bed. He slept just through the wall which was great for all of us as we could hear each other breathing. The cultural aspects of cosleeping are fascinating to me. Local teachers who have worked with the Navajo community always found it amazing that on field trip overnights, all students would sleep in the same motel room with the teacher. Those who got in trouble would have to sleep ‘alone’, the most punitive experience. As with many things, there is no one way to sleep but hopefully rest is attained in all models!