The photo above is my mother, Donna Jean Pack, age 25, holding her first baby, my sister, Rachel Emily Stanley. It was taken in 1969; my sister would have been about 3 months old. My mom, and the whole photo, is so styling, right? The hair, the necktie, the confidence, the lamp, the suede sofa.
I hadn’t seen this photo in years, and when it came across my desk last week, I started thinking about parenthood and identity and how children change us. Did you watch the Grammys a few weeks ago? I read a good article about Adele’s Grammy speech and the unspoken “loss of self” that mothers often experience, and I’d love to discuss it with you.
In the speech, Adele said, “[This pregnancy was … ] the biggest blessing of my life. And in my pregnancy and becoming a mother, I lost a lot of myself. And I struggled. And I still do struggle being a mum, it’s really hard. Tonight feels like full circle … like a bit of me has come back to itself.”
The part that stuck out to me is when she said that she *still* struggles and that’s it’s really hard to be a mother
Do you relate? Do you find parenting to be hard? Is it the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Or just one of many hard things? And what about loss of self? Do you feel like you experienced a loss of identity when you became a parent? If yes, have you managed to find a new identity, or are you maybe still struggling?
I married so young (barely 21), and had my first child so quickly (barely 23), that I don’t think I experienced a big identity loss when I became a parent. For me, learning to be an adult and learning to be a parent happened basically at the same time. I think my biggest identity losses have come from moves. Moving from New York felt like a huge identity loss. Moving from France felt similar.
How about you?
I did not lose myself in a sense but I did realize that I did not know who I was. Like you, I got married at 21 and I had my first at barely 23. Then baby 2 came at 24. I was isolated and had few friends because we had just moved for my husbands’ job after graduating college. I struggled making friends and my mom told me to follow my interests–the friends will then come. I realized that I did not know what my interests were! That was immensely hard.
I worked really hard to carve out some time so I could be a person. My husband was very supportive (and still is). I joined MOPS which really helped me–knowing other moms who were going through the same as me lifted the world off my shoulders. While being a wife and mom are my priority, I have found having my own activities extremely fulfilling and essential to my sanity. They help me be a better mother and make me excited. One of the things I love is running and my boys are constantly playing “half marathon” and they love to come hear me perform in my music ensembles. So, I guess I didn’t lose myself because of motherhood but I was forced to recognize that I didn’t know who I was. In a way it was because of motherhood that I found myself.
These comments are beautiful.
Just yesterday, I was questioning my identity. I was at a work event and we had to go around introducing ourselves and saying something fun. My colleagues all had such interesting hobbies and adventures to share. My story was that I left for work that morning thinking, “Gosh, I’m too young to feel so middle aged! I spent much of my morning cleaning up other people’s body fluids” The experience left me wondering where my hobbies went, remembering how I use to do such “interesting things”. That all being said, I don’t feel like I’ve lost my identity but my line on it is that I’m humpty dumpty and since kids (2 and 5), I’m being trying to put myself back together with extra (beautiful pieces). The tricky thing is, especially in these early years, the landscape is changing so drastically every 6 months needs, demands and skills change so much. And just typing that reminds me that it is really hard.
Finally, despite my intro story, I actually fully own where I am in my life right now. I have a demanding but really fulfilling job. Outside of my job, I have my family and that is a lot. And that is okay. It is okay to be okay.
Thanks so much for creating the space for all these beautiful stories, perspectives and thoughts. It’s a book waiting to happen. “Anonymous Identities” curated by Design Mom?
It is okay to be okay. Nailed it!
For me this is the motherhood related issue that I find most interesting and most hygimportant to consider for all round happiness.
For me the key has been being open to the change, trying not to resist it, letting myself grieve, letting myself delight in new (perhaps uncool) things, accepting that other passions and priorities will fall away and not to feel like a failure because of it, acknowledging that there are seasons in life and this is a new one, but above all, especially in this neo-liberal society being staunchly feminist and honouring the important role of motherhood even if it is unpaid and often unacknowledged or belittled.
As someone who has really struggled with motherhood, I so appreciate this comment. Being open to change, non-resistant. Acceptance. Not feeling like a failure. All such wise words!
I don’t really feel a loss of identity anymore. Lots of other challenges and I was so moved by Adele’s comment, parenting IS so hard, but in some ways I’ve found it is actually moving me more towards my identity, because I have to fight so hard to make time for other things (my kids are 20 months and 4.5), it has really made clear for me the things I actually, truly care about doing, and put a fire under me to make time for those things. I definitely spent the first 2 years or so of parenthood feeling lost though, like something was missing… I am an artist and I recall a conversation with my mother where I expressed my frustration with being unable to find time to be creative and she said something like “parenthood is your creative outlet now” and it made me feel terrible, like, yes, I am crazy about my kids and parenting is creative, but it wasn’t enough for me. I’ve had to carve out time – tiny bits sometimes – for other passions and interests, for building my career in the little ways that I can, and it is incredibly energizing for me!
Also, although it may sound like my mom is not supportive of other endeavors that’s actually not true – she is someone who went back to school and got a masters when her four kids were older and still enjoys a fulfilling, evolving career in her 60s. I think the fact that she did that has been protective for me as well, because I always feel like I’m playing the long game here, my career, those other aspects of myself, they are not lost, they are just in a different phase.
I think it would be interesting to get a post going about how we (women) feel our husbands have/have not changed from having kids. We can’t speak on behalf of their identity, but as a married women I can see how/who he is as a father. Parenthood is definitely different for men than women.
Love reading all these comments! New motherhood was a huge transition for me, despite being from a large family. I just don’t think there’s any way to prepare, really, and my experience with my particular baby at age 28 was unique, just as everyone’s is. I wish I’d known not to compare myself and my baby to others. It would have helped.
But I also think we live in a country that romanticizes children without providing much actual support for raising them, in the form of paid parental leave and good affordable childcare. I remember feeling shocked at how many people were around my neighborhood on an average weekday! Over years of chatting at the park and school pickups, I found that many mothers wished they could be working part- or full-time, but couldn’t afford to or felt pressured not to. I had a more flexible schedule and a husband who took over when I went to work, but it was hard in those early years. It seems like many of us have limited options when it comes to combining work and family, and maybe that’s part of the issue?
Yes. Absolutely. I gave up my career in my early thirties to stay home and raise my babies. I looooooved my career. It brought me so much joy. Stay at home motherhood does not bring me that kind of joy. I love, love, love my boys, but I don’t not, by any stretch, love stay-at-home motherhood. Often I feel bored, restless, and sometimes depressed. I’m hoping to get back to my career when they’re a little bit older (they’re currently 2 and 1 years old)
Wow- this is so timely for me. I definitely felt like I morphed when I became a Mom but it also felt natural and like I was always meant to be one so I embraced it even thought it was difficult at times. However- we just recently moved across the country. I have lived my whole life in one place (other than college which was still a doable commute to my hometown). This move – to an opposite coast – has made me question who I am. I have found myself grieving – quite literally- my old life. I think being a Mom on top of that has made it all the more dfficult. I have left friends and family which I realize created my identity. I am now on my own – with the demands of motherhood mixed in and truly feeling confusion. I keep kidding that I am having a ‘gap year’ ( I am not working . Hoping the next 6 months brings out a new and improved me. People keep telling me this is when the ‘growth happens’ etc but in the meantime it’s just hard! Glad to know I am not alone though in those feelings of identity loss.
lots of great comments here! Like you said Gabrielle, I was a young parent so grew into adulthood and parenthood all at once. My adult identities have always been intertwined.
A few years ago, my older sister, asked “how are you still you?”
I could compare and contrast our lives and the choices we made day to day, even both being stay at home moms, but I wonder how much is just in our nature and how much is determined by circumstance?
It’s a very interesting topic!
I think being a military spouse for almost 18 years has also helped me retain that sense of self. I have started over so many times in so many different states and countries that I’ve seen for myself that my identity is not tied to a particular set of friends, or a place or whatever. I’ve gotten involved in different things almost everywhere we’ve gone and it’s all been (for the most part) great! Am I the same person as I was at 20? Or even 30? Would I want to be? I say no:)
I became a mother at age 33 and I’ve struggled a bit with loss of my pre-mom self, specifically time and energy and brainpower for creativity and writing and all that.
I’ve also given up a career to be at home with my children. It hasn’t always been easy – because mothering ISN’T – but I see it as having a full glass: you pour some out to fill it up with other things. I gave up some things to be able to mother, but in mothering, I’ve gained so much!
The responsibility of being THE ONLY one who is the mother to these children, the ONLY one who can fulfill that role is often heavy. There is no replacement if I shirk or fail in my duties. And, yes, often it takes a LOT of sacrifice of “self” to do this job.
I recently read an interview of an actor going to extremes in pursuit of his craft, and his statement has become my mothering mantra as I raise young children: “THIS is what I am doing NOW”. And one of another actor who talked about mixing mothering with her craft: “mothering is paramount to my work (outside the home)”.
But, yes, I can completely relate with the idea of coming back across previously left-behind pieces of yourself, and recollecting them.
I married at 20 and had 4 kids by 26, which was crazy intense. But I feel like I didn’t “lose” myself because by that point I hadn’t even “found” myself. NOW, as my kids are getting bigger I think I’m finally starting to find myself in my 30’s. My husband and I have talked about what a strange way we have gone about life, kind of backwards, how it seems strange to now go through what could be described as an early mid-life crisis, which is actually what most people do in their teens/early twenties.
Yep! Definitely lost my identity, particularly as child number one was so challenging. I think this has to do with confidence and self knowledge before having babies. I was definitely not ready, feeling pressure into marriage and babies from within my religious culture (not a part of it now, thank goodness). I probably also married ‘the wrong person’. All of this has been a massive burden to deal with. But, now in my thirties I’m content and can take responsibility for my decisions.
These things are a process and it’s only when coming out of the end of the process, looking back, that the rewards can be seen sometimes. That’s how it’s been in my case. I often just had to put my head down and keep working at it and put my feelings on the backburner. Too soon, it passes!
Yes! I so lost myself. People would ask me, “What do you like to do?” and I would simply have no reply. Um…I change a lot of diapers, do a lot of dishes, and barely sleep…are those hobbies? I also didn’t fit into almost any of my prepregnancy clothes, which was disappointing. I wore sweatpants and a tee shirt with spit up on it all the time since we didn’t have a washer and dryer, which was a total buzzkill for my self-esteem.
I think it’s a phase that many mothers go through. We just need to learn to balance all the roles – mom, wife, woman, etc. And actually take time for ourselves, which is really hard for me sometimes!
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Such a fascinating question. I think there have been times when I have confused the idea of adulthood and what it actually is. Ultimately becoming a wife and parent happened very close together (I was 30) and I truly felt that I only emerged as a self then. I owned my power and potential in new ways.
Hello! Just wanted to say I’m new to your blog and after only the few articles I’ve perused, I really appreciate your thought-provoking posts. Great topics and great discussions… I’ll definitely be sticking around!
I’m only 14 months into parenthood, but I married my husband at 21 and had my son at 25 and have just felt so incredibly fulfilled by my family that I don’t really recall feeling like I’ve lost my identity… maybe because I hadn’t quite yet grasped a full or true idea of my identity. Regardless, while there have been hard days, parenting has been relatively easy for me. We’ll see how that changes when we welcome our second son into the world in July. ;)
I am the mother of three and when I first became a mom I had an identity crisis and still now after almost 10 years, I am sometimes struggling. I would probably end up in it anyway, but I find motherhood to be an accelerator to it. I think it is something that forces you to look inside and find your inner strengths. A lot of self-development has happened since I became a mother, but maaaan sometimes is tough!