Is Maman Mean or Magnificent? How Strict Are French Parents?

French parents are strict

This article about French mothers has me thinking about the ways different cultures parent. Things like, they say French parents are strict, but I know they are wonderful about teaching table manners. My sister told us she was in awe when she visited a Paris pre-school and saw 2 year olds eating bananas — they peeled them without assistance, carefully sliced them with knives and forks, then ate each slice, also with their forks. At age 2!

Or how about Sweden, where there’s a focus on children spending time outside. I was blown away when I learned there are preschools held entirely out-of-doors! Then of course, there are my English friends, who talk about how commonplace the idea of boarding school is. But I don’t personally know a single American family that sends their kids to boarding school. My brain can hardly wrap itself around the concept.

French parents are strict
French parents are strict

Another example has been on my mind all week. Our daughter Olive, age 10, attends a French public school and is on a school field trip. She left on Saturday morning, and won’t be back until Friday night. A one-week school trip! They are at a ski resort 9 hours away. Can you imagine? Our other kids have never done anything like this at her age, but here, no one seems to think it’s extraordinary at all.

Please share. What parenting styles and techniques from other cultures would you like to copy? Have you ever changed your parenting style when you moved to a new state, or to another country?

P.S. — The article also has me irritated because it makes French mothers sound so mean. I’ve spent time around lots of French mothers this past year and have seen nothing but the typical, compassionate, in-love-with-my-kids mothering that you can find the world over.  

French parents are strict

113 thoughts on “Is Maman Mean or Magnificent? How Strict Are French Parents?”

  1. This sounds good. Really good. And what an interesting topic! It is so fascinating how certain cultures take on child rearing. I think moderation is key with anything, any culture. I do admire the discipline for example that we look at many of the Asian countries’ parents enforcing with their kids at an early age, or the Europeans way to creating mature and independent kids at an early age, the list goes on. In the U.S. I think we all see and know kids are basically the center of our universe. I dont’ think this is necessarily a good thing and personally think kids have too much say, are growing up too fast, exposed to WAY too much too early and basically are not allowed to be kids for as long as they used to say in my generation. SO….bottom line is yes, I would curtail my own parenting decisions based upon moving to another country if they align with my own moral compass. Really intesting topic!

  2. Gabrielle, I never get tired of photos of sweet Baby June! Or any of your children for that matter! Hope Olive is home soon!

  3. Gabrielle, you have such a way with conversation starters: I’ve loved reading the comments, as well. As an American ex-pat, who’s now lived in Sweden for a long time; married to a French-Swede, raising our 3 children in Sweden at a French/Swedish school in Sweden with regular doses of American-cousin-4th-of-July-fun; this rings with me each and everyday. I think it certainly gave me pause before we started a family: can I raise my “American” children abroad?
    Impressed with your assessment, when we met, last Spring that “there are so many ways to raise children and they are all OK.” That’s the Pandora’s box of living abroad with children. Every day at our French-Swedish-International school playground, I am fascinated and amazed at the contrasts I see and feel between the cultures and marvel. I agree with you: I have found French mothers, as mothers, to be extremely attentive to their children, very family oriented, friendly, academic minded, well-kitted up & prepared for any pharmaceutical or gastronomical dilemma and yes: determined to raise neat & tidy children with good, traditional mannered and having a love of dining; on the other “side of the playground:” I see the Swedish mothers who don’t want conflict & really “let the child decide” which includes non-fashiony Pippi-longstocking-style dressing or how they speak to adults. Our kids were proudly encouraged to sleep over at 3-4 by Swedish friends and later, hear time and time again that it’s common place for co-ed sleep at any age.9, 10, 12! Swedish children are weather and water proof 365 days of the year because nothing, “like the weather” is going to stop them from being out in nature – there is a sublime love of nature here. Regarding academics, I was told, at one of the most elite Stockholm schools, that the 1st Graders would only “learn one new letter per week at school and if possible, have a chance to spell this letter in the leaves at the park!” You can imagine my reply, to which I was answered: but… reading isn’t until they’re in 3rd Grade. (And this in a country of one of the highest literacy rates in the world!) In contrast the French are writing in cursive at 6 and standing in front of the class reading a 20 line book. And, yes, my British School Mum friends, are fretting, fretting, fretting about the schools their kids begin in because statistically, if they’re not off to the right school early, doors close. And, in my American corner: ideas about organization, can-do-ness, and community. It’s forces one to really asses and take the good from each culture and assess why. I’ve been humbled by these peeks into all of these cultures, which I’ve not only married into but am surrounded by at our children’s school. And the wonder of it all to me, is that children exposed to all of these cultures know how to act appropriately in each culture or environment. Kids are resilient and capable of so much. I love the banana story…

    There are only two areas where the cultural divide became really extreme: nursing French Mothers vs nursing Swedish Mothers. Hand’s down the Swede’s are Earth Mother’s the first year of a baby’s life: nursing and being home with your baby (men, too) for a year to a year and a half (paid maternity and paternity leave) and, although, almost all of my French mother friends nursed and stayed home with their babies 3 – 12 months, I do have a friend who was nursing her 5 month old in front of her French in-laws and they asked her,” when are you going to stop doing that to your baby?” ! The other area is discipline. Again, I’ve never seen it personally but I’ve heard about it, even in schools, in France – it must really vary. I just know, that from the chairlift in Chamonix, this Christmas, I did see a ski instructor spanking his ski group every time their little legs weren’t paralleling in his paralleling class! Where as, spanking is actually illegal in Sweden so it’s completely taboo (and, as I said earlier — it’s about listening to what your child tell you they want). I just don’t think about it here or see it.

    Thank you for sharing, I agree with all of your positivity. For us, we find our children to be totally recognizable to us; enriched, confident and adaptable due to their international life — doing things that shock me but don’t hurt! Yes, my 10 year old, too, will traveling to Provence for a week and no one is batting an eye, at our school….

  4. I think some of the reason why Europeans are the way they are is because not too long ago war was raging on their soil, with families struggling to just live normal lives. Order, structure, and self reliance seem to be a result of going through that time. Carry on and keep calm right?

  5. When we moved from San Francisco to France I was both stunned and liberated by the differences in the parenting cultures. In California I felt immense pressure to be a perfect back-to-earth hands-on mom (my first child was also born there). Although I did not abandon things like multiple years of breastfeeding and staying in their room until they are asleep, watching the french parents allowed me to give myself greater freedom to try different approaches. It was with a modicum of guilt and great relief that I used disposable diapers on my second child who was born in Paris. I realized that the French children were just as happy as the American children I know even though they were being raised very differently. I came to love the Lord of the Flies mentality that the article describes at the playground. It was quite refreshing after feeling as though I had to hover over my son at the playground in San Francisco in order to intervene before he bopped someone over the head. In France they accept that kids will bop each other over the head and that need not prevent the parents from conversing with friends on the nearby bench.

  6. I was born and raised in Mexico where generally the parenting culture is very traditionalist and family bonds are really tight; it is very common to stay at home living with your parents even if you are in your middle 30’s (single) I was so lucky to have a mom that had an open mind enough to let me go out of her nest and spent 3 years away in a LDS boarding school (the equivalent of grade 10, 11 and 12) 5 hrs away from my family. That experience gave me a good sense of independence and responsibility. I was in charge of my own laundry, sometimes cooking, got my first official job at 15, meet the best friends of my life, manage my own time and money, etc. I believe that this experience helped a lot in life, specially me when I had to take hard choices like moving with my husband and daugther to a different country. Now we are living in Canada, a multicultural Nation made mostly of immigrants from everywhere and I’m loving it! a great experience to appreciate and respect the differences of parenting betwen cultures and take the best for my family.

  7. My family and I have just returned to Canada from spending a year in the south of France. We are hoping to bring home with us the ability to sit still at the table for an entire meal. Our kids had lunch in their school everyday and no hovering/half sitting was tolerated.

    Our experience in France was of very closely knit, loving families and happy children. I was really surprised at how polite everyone was, especially teenagers. My seven year old was much more polite when he was speaking French than when he was speaking English.

    You can find examples of “bad” parenting everywhere – it will take more than a few random examples to shake my view that the French could teach us a lot.

  8. Hi! I liked that you started this conversation, parenting styles is something I think about a lot. I live in the US, and I’m only 30, but I notice that parents with kids the same age as my son (2) have a very different style than I do. I don’t do everything for him, I encourage him to play on his own and do his own thing. One thing really stuck out in the article – that French moms view their children as seperate people from themselves and expect them to have their own lives.

    Many of my fellow moms here have remarked about how they feel like their children are extensions of themselves or that they feel like their hearts are beating outside of their bodies. This is not only culturally specific (from what I see around the web) to the US, but also to this generation of parents. My depression era grandmother (born in 1916, raising her children in the 50’s) would NEVER describe parenthood this way. I actually mentioned that to my mom today and she had a good laugh.

    I don’t think there is one right way to parent, nor do I think its inherently terrible to feel like this (although I decidely do not), I think it has a lot to do with how we might interpret this article. I am a firm parent and encourage my son to do things for himself and so some of the examples in that article don’t really seem too harsh to me.

    I think its good to let kids do things without their parents, and as hard as it is to let them do stuff that scares us (like being away from us at a young age) I think its really important!

  9. The article is in fact very interesting. I am 24 and have a 16-month-old. My husband is American and I was born in Costa Rica but raised in America after the age of 9. I find myself agreeing with the ways of the French. I have practiced the crying out method for sleep training and recently started doing time outs to curb my son’s habit of pushing and hitting. Does it break my heart to hear him cry? Yes, but I do it because I feel confident that it is the best thing I can do for him.

    Thanks for posting the article, Gabby!

  10. I grew up in Maryland and when I was in 5th grade, my teacher took the entire class on a one week camping trip (with plenty of chaperones of course) about 30 minutes away from home. It was one of the best experiences from my childhood.

  11. I’m in Canada since 4 months ago, and I’m from Chile. With my oldest kid (5yo now) i read the book “DUERMETE NIÑO” from DR Eduard Estivill, who said, the baby has to sleep in his own room and teach him to sleep, if he cries don´t talk, calm down. If he cries again wait one minute more and calm him, and then 2 minutes and 3, and bla bla. For my family this was torture, i’m only did one week, but did some other things, like some french mother, at the end the book said the kids believes they are kings and you have to obey them, so don´t do it. But i felt mean almost a lot of time. But with my second kid (15 month) i read the book “Besame Mucho” from Dr Carlos Gonzalez, who told you kiss you son, if he talks to you listen to him, if he cries hug him, he NEEDS you, and he sleep with us since he was a new born in our bed. I don’t know what method is better, i was extreme with both, but my oldest son is independent but has problem with his feelings, and the youngest is a baby yet but he needs me all day and is exhausting.
    In Chile there is some controversial because all women are working and the baby had to go to “SALA CUNA” like Day Care, since 3 month. A month ago the law change and now are 6 month post natal and you can share with the father. My kid goes to “JARDIN INFANTIL” like Day CAre but better much better, when he has 18 month, because i have to work and for me was like a privilege because a lot of mother can stay with their kids so much time. And “DAY CARE” works since 8 am (or 7am) until 7 pm (or 8 pm). the kids lunch there, and take a meal at 4 pm too.

  12. After reading this article I’ve decided to spank my kids more.

    Just kidding.

    But I do need to let my toddler be more independent and I do need to be stricter in some areas.

  13. Great post! I grew up in Paris but am living in the States now. The article is a bit extreme but there is some truth to it, and I notice it more now that I have a toddler. When we go to visit, the difference is stunning. I often feel that many of the French kids are repressed and that their self-esteem will suffer from it. I also think that some moms are so busy keeping their “independence” that they are missing out on the best years with their kids. Of course, they think I’m nuts for not wanting to leave my child to go on vacation. Even though I was raised in Paris, my mom was more of an “attachment parenting” believer, but that didn’t mean she didn’t emphasize good manners. I think you can teach you children manners without being a cold authoritarian.

  14. My husband is half-French…french father, Australian mother. And yes his upbringing was strict, and so was mine – my parents had me at 46 (I was the whoopsie baby after four boys who were nearly adult by the time I was born), so I was raised by an older generation. We are strict with our two, but more emotive with them than we would have experienced. Table manners are a BIG deal and behaving in public. But having said all that our son didn’t adjust well to the French bilingual school here at 3 and we took him out.

    Culturally the french see adulthood as the best time of your life and childhood is something to be endured (not enjoyed) on the way – an opposite view to how modern parenting has us thinking.

  15. I found this so late, last night, I didn’t have time to read the article. I’ve just read it now and find it to be very interesting and again, reader comments, too. Reacting to the “out of the box” of the article and seeing everyday “out of the box” ex-pat French living in Sweden, one reaction I hear repeatedly, from these women is that families are literally “out of the box” is that families are at first shocked but then quickly embrace the Swedish culture, where men will be much more a part of a families daily life which includes staying home sick with the kids (paid), picking kids up from pre-school and attending their activities. Yes, this adaptive lifestyle feels almost fictive (and “soft”) to many, but it does quickly change parenting and they do adapt to this well. It is commonplace for a CEO (including Volvo, Ericsson, etc) Father to pick his kids up from pre-school at 4:00 (although, it’s most prestigious to get your children by 3:00!).

    (pondering: the French see adulthood as life’s best moments, rather than childhood. Interesting. Also, I was just in Paris and this Jardin Luxumborg over the holidays. I see the scene perfectly.)

  16. Hey there,
    I am German and we have no specific rules for table dinner, but it should be in “controlled” atmosphere. We talk a lot about the day. Everyone talks about his day, some good news, some bad news or something funny detail.
    Probably my son can not carefully slice and eat a banana on his own with 2 years, but I think that is not the point. He sits with us together, eat and laugh and get the feeling what it is to be part of a family. For me eating together is a part of socialization and I love lots of people being around us.
    Like on Christmas……;-).

  17. Hi Gabrielle,

    Well I hope my English won’t be that bad that you can’t understand or minsunderstand my words.

    As a French mother raised by French parents married to a French lovely man and living in France I can be a witness.
    I can give evidence of what’s happening in France as regards education.
    Effectively Moms in France are quite strict and not really affectionate with their kids but things are moving. Our generation (i’m 32) is trying to change the way it is. We’re trying to be more open-minded.
    But most of the mothers even my age still stick to “old school” manners. And for sure in France you’ll hear things like “ça suffit” (that’s enough) or “dépêche-toi” (hurry up) or “j’en ai marre” (I’m fed up)…
    For sure I like it when my kids have a good behaviour at home or in public but the difference is now we take more time to talk with our kids about the rules we want to follow in our homes , there is more dialogue.

    In France people slap A LOT ! I don’t agree with that, but most of the parents don’t even know why they slap or yell at their children that’s just the way it is, as an excuse that’s just the way they were raised.
    In France it’s hard to tell to the parents that they are on a wrong path they will be easily offended because it means to them that they not good parents not good people…

    So the article is not that wrong but maybe the way the author describes French mother is a bit fast made opinion although it’s faithful but sarcastic.

  18. When we lived in Korea, I adopted the Korean parent approach to school and had much higher expectations of our daughters and my involvement in attending to their education.

    Our younger daughter now attends an Australian school. Starting in grade 3 the children go away for a camp and stay in caravans (camping trailers) that fit 4 kids…..no adults. The adults sleep in the hotel. Amazing self-sufficiency and group skills she has learned.

  19. Slicing a banana and eating it with a fork! How marvelous! Thanks millions! I remember being in High school before a friend informed me I was not holding my fork in the proper way. I’ve been grateful ever since.

  20. The “Lord of the Flies” comment had me laughing out loud because that’s exactly what I said to my husband this summer as we watched our kids play in the Tuileries playground as well as the Jardin du Luxembourg playground. “It’s like Lord of Flies in there!” Our kids were shocked at how the kids on both those playgrounds had free reign. It was a mini-society with a few kids ruling the playground and all the equipment. There was so little of the expected: be nice to the little kids, take turns, get in line to go down the slide, etc. In my experience, American parents are likely to be involved in their children’s play at a park and if not participating in the play they are watching their children like a hawk. The rare mom reading her book on a bench, not paying attention to their child at the park (and not reacting immediately if their child misbehaves) is certainly looked down upon. For good or bad, it’s the way it is here. The kids in France seemed to have complete free reign on the playground and as an American I was a bit shocked (as were my kids), but it definitely made me think. Maybe there’s a lot these kids are working out on the playground, without their parents making decisions for them. It was a very interesting experience. Another reason I love to travel!

  21. Oh, and one quick comment… Our experience with Waldorf schools in Colorado has been very much geared towards playing outside (in ALL weather) and the kids used their own fork and knife at age two:cutting their own veggies/fruits, spreading their own almond butter, etc. They used real utensils, cloth napkins, poured their own drinks from little pitchers, lit candles with real matches, etc. It was remarkable.

  22. What a coincidence, I was just about to ask your opinion about this article:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/jan/11/french-children-food-pamela-druckerman-review

    As a Belgian mother of two I’m sometimes surprised by the permissive and ‘baby-like’ parenting style of some American mothers (as documented on their blogs) but then on the other hand I’m often appalled by the seemingly detached way some children here are raised too (how I was raised, frankly). As one commenter said, it’s all about balance. But I must admit, I have not reached that point of zen yet.
    And btw, summer camps are totally mainstream here too!

  23. I found the article fascinating. Of course different countries and cultures have different ways of doing all things, not just parenting. I find it fascinating to learn what those differences are. There are always good points and points that just don’t resonate. Perhaps we can learn, at least some thing, from the good. With that said, I think the key to almost anything and everything is balance. Extremes always seem to bring with it some form of trouble.
    I don’t think I could be quite as detached or consistently as stern as a French mother but I do think they are on to something in the fact that their children are well behaved and well mannered. I would definitely agree that the majority of American children are spoiled and catered to. What shocks me, most days, is the way that children interact with adults. And the fact is that, for the most part, it is the parents who have not taught or communicated to the children how to properly interact with adults in a respectful manner.
    Great conversation, Gabby!
    xo
    trina

  24. What an intriguing article. I have to say, I think all to often in our American society children are babied and coddled way too much. Whining seems far too acceptable.
    Not to mention “helicopter parenting.”

  25. Such a thought provoking article; thanks for sharing! I’ve been thinking about it ever since I read it, and trying to figure out how to comment without rambling on forever!

    I would love to be able to somehow combine all the best aspects of every culture’s parenting! I agree that the author of the article made the French moms seem to mean. Stricter does not = mean, and I think more boundaries can be good. Respect for adults and all others is admirable.

    The example she was so horrified by (with the mom walking ahead of the little one crying)…my first thought was that we have no context. We have no idea what happened right before this (or all day for that matter)…haven’t we all been there? when we are at the end of our rope with whatever behavior? Certainly I know there are many moments when I have lost patience with my kids and behaved in ways I’m not proud of. And, even if that was not the case for this woman, there still is so much we don’t know…

    For me, the bottom line both within and across cultures…I’d love it if we, as moms, could feel supported enough and confident enough in our choices to give one another the benefit of the doubt for our parenting methods, respect that we are all trying to do the best we can with the resources and skills we have, and learn from one another what might improve our own parent “toolboxes” without feeling threatened. My personal goal. I love reading about different cultures and ideas. Thanks, Gabby.

  26. My father was in the Air Force & we lived in France in the ’60’s. The french kids my age (6th grade) went to ski school in the Alps every winter and our class of American 6th graders was a test group to try it as well. We went for 2 weeks with our teachers. We had school in the morning (the hotel had a room set aside for this) and ski instruction in the afternoon. On the weekend we even took the train into Geneva to sight see! We had the time of our lives! We also took trains to get there even changing trains on the way! Looking back from an adults perspective I marvel at the fortitude of our teachers! The whole French/Swiss town we were in was set up for this and the small hotel was all French students and our American group – so glad I had the chance to do it! Happy for Olive, too!

  27. I read an article by an American living in France a few years ago about how French parents DO instill more boundaries and limitations. The example I remember most was that while we Americans put up gates, rubber guards on furniture corners, remove all trinkets, and pretty much make our homes a “rubber room” for our kids, the French do none of that. They simply teach the children not to mess with things. Very interesting, although I still don’t know if I could have done that with my twins and then another infant.

  28. I’ve raised my children in many different cultures around the world and I’ve found that mothers the world over do, more or less, the same wonderful things, and the same ugly things. We are all human.

    It seems to me that with many different issues, the cultural divide lies not in what we do or do not do; rather, in what we’re ashamed to let others see us do. Perhaps many French mothers feel little embarrassment slapping, ignoring or yelling at their children at the park, while many American mothers prefer to save that for the privacy of their own homes.

  29. The thing is….north Americans feel anyone who actually *raises* their children is mean. I am mean because I don’t budge until my son says ‘please’. I don’t accept silence when ‘thank you’ is needed. I teach him the correct way to behave at meals – at home and at restaurants. I am always told what a perfect child I have yet I am considered mean for teaching him to be that way. Tiger Moms are poohpoohed but their children are the ones who will be running the world in 20 years.

  30. We have recently moved to London from the US. Our three daughters, aged 12, 10 and 7, are enrolled in British schools (and my 14-year old son is in an international school).
    What I have noticed the most, especially in my daughter’s schools, is the emphasis on manners compared to their (very good) public schools in the US. At the younger two girls’ school, a teacher waits outside the door each morning and afternoon and the children must make eye contact, greet the teacher and shake their hand on their way in and out. Additionally, there are teachers supervising the lunchtime and gently reminding the children to keep their wrists at the edge of the table and proper use of their knives and forks. There are signs posted in the cafeteria that state “Hold your fork and knife properly”.
    Personally, I LOVE IT! I think that manners are so overlooked in the US it is a very nice thing to know how to eat properly and to greet an adult.
    Also, what the children are served for lunch is AMAZING — roasted organic lamb stew, shepherd’s pie, sausages and potatoes, peas, asparagus, homemade pizza and a wide variety of fruit for daily tea. There are no chicken fingers and french fries nor hot dogs, and jello does not count as a serving of fruit. The kids are not expected to eat anything differently than what the adults eat, as it should be! This is the way I was raised (my mother was born in Czechoslovakia) and this is the way I have raised my children. They order from the adult menu in restaurants and like a wide variety of foods as a result. They are great dinner dates and fun to cook for!
    (now if my son could only learn how to use a knife as well as his little sisters!)

  31. I am a German mother, living with the Irish father of my 3 year old in Berlin, after I lived for half a year in Ireland, where we met.
    I am impressed by a lot of things that Irish parents seem to do naturally so much better than us Germans – and the other way around.
    In Ireland, it seems a total No-Go to have your kids sleeping in your bed and crying-it-out appears to be the normal thing to do. I heard stories of kids throwing up because they cried so hard or climbing out of bed and breaking their arm because they got so worked up, and nobody is questioning it. All that to teach your kids independence – which doesn’t keep parents from driving their kids to school every day and picking them up and kids don’t have sleepovers until they are teenagers.
    On the other hand there seems to be a very natural understanding of what kids are and need, how to take care of them and really understand what it means to be a child, also to really enjoy and have fun with your kids. While childish bahaviour in Germany is usually granted with impatience and embarassment by the parents, to be too nice to your kids and too understanding comes with the fear of not teaching them early enough that life is hard.

    Talking about sleepovers: I spent 3 weeks every year far away in summer camp since I was 6, no phone calls, only letters. Class Trips at the age of ten took ten days and when I was 11, the summer trip without my parents took us to the Soviet Union to the beautiful Black Sea – 2000 km from home.
    If you ask me, it was too much too early – I wouldn’t do the same with my kid. But it was not so unusual. I often have a feeling when I am in english speaking countries, that parents think, as soon as they let go of their kids only a little bit, the very worst will happen.
    For me it is good to see the two sides because it teaches you that so many things are influenced by culture and you can just change them if you don’t like them. They are not a natural law. It’s like food – the more you know, the better it tastes.

    1. Yes, perfect!!!

      “For me it is good to see the two sides because it teaches you that so many things are influenced by culture and you can just change them if you don’t like them. They are not a natural law. It’s like food – the more you know, the better it tastes.”

  32. When I was a child in Belgium, my British-run school (not boarding) had all of the kids eating 3 course meals at lunchtime and were expected to use the correct silverware and manners for every one. Starting at 3-4 years, cloth napkins at school!

    It wasn’t unusual, just the way that it was. We bring that into how we raise our 5 year old too. We really don’t care how other parents raise their kids – in our family, we eat things – go places – see people – do stuff and there’s an expectation on how each of us acts in those contexts. End of story.

    Much of what seems to work is leading by example and being consistent even when it sucks (ie: ‘don’t pitch a fit’ rule broken repeatedly at holiday family party equals same immediate consequences as at home – even though it means having to deflect family members who don’t see ‘the big deal’, sigh).

    I remember parents being stricter in Europe on their younger kiddos, but more trusting and relaxed when they were older. After a certain point, kids just know what’s expected of them and how to act in various situations and there’s no need to micro-manage.

    Sometimes in the States, I think that kids are smarter and more capable than many parents give them credit for.

  33. I greb up in Denmark, but am now living in Germany and raising my daughter here. I have to say that I miss the Danish approach for my daughter.
    Toddlers and kindergarten kids spend almost all day outside playing. The even sleep outdoors in covered shelters in all weather. The idea being that there is no such thing as bad weather – if you wear the right clothes. In Denmark there is much more focus on outdoor activities than in Germany where kindergartens tend to be quite expensive and parents want some serious learning for their money.
    Most children start school around age 6 and in most schools they will have a short school camp of 3-4 days already in first grade. Some kindergartens even have field trips for the older kids as a sort of good bye trip before they go to school.
    Mos tchildren love the adventure of being away, even if they are a little scared the first time.
    In my family we have had a lot of exchange students from all over the world (mostly 16-18 year olds) and I have to say that the Americans we have had staying with us have been the most immature and pampered of them all. My impression is that helicopter mums are must more predominant in the US than in for instance Scandinavia.
    With us kids learn to be independent fairly early on – perhaps it is a side effect that has occurred because we have such a high rate of women in the work force.
    The German school system is no set up for working women as they have short school days and long holidays and most parts of Germany do not have sufficient after school/holiday care.

  34. Treating a child with incivility will not teach him to be civil. At the very best, it will teach him to imitate civility in a public setting. But that is just a superficial show, an act. How we treat those closest to us, in the most intimate of family situations and relationships reveals our true civility, and teaches our children the deeper reality behind true good manners. Cruelty is never a justified means to an end. No good can come from kicking your child. That being said, I believe in high expectations and enforcing consequences. It is a show of love. As long as love is our motivation in all of our dealings with our children, then we are on the right track.

  35. I am a French daughter and I was amused to read the article. I am afraid not all French kids have good manners – but more than American kids ;-) However, I’d like to clarify that anyone sensible will be shocked by the sight a a parent kicking his child – we are not a nation of child abusers, for heaven’s sake!

    What struck me, beyond the fact that you can always draw clichés about anything, is that it is all about mothers. What about fathers, why is child-care seen as a mom thing only?

  36. I’m an American living in France and married to a French man (although he is really more Italian than French) and there were a few things from the article that I wanted to clarify.

    It doesn’t surprise me that the 2 year old was eating a banana with a fork and knife – in France, they eat EVERYTHING with their forks and knives, including pizza and hamburgers!

    And people being shocked at French mother’s abandoning their babies after 3 months – in most cases, that is the length of their paid maternity leave. If they take longer, they also take only a fraction of their normal pay. In France, it is virtually impossible to live on one paycheck.

  37. As a parent, I think that you can raise a happy, healthy child using a variety of methods. The key is to be attentive and give them lots of attention, and also to really pay attention to their reactions and inclinations.

    Even if you are strict, you are still showing that you care, that you are invested in them, that you are there. I think the kids who suffer the most are the ones who are neglected, either by overly permissive or overly cold parents.

    But I also think that how you treat children is how they are going to treat other kids. A parent who is very critical and strict to their child is going to have a child who is critical and strict toward other children. If you require your kids to be orderly and polite, they will probably demand that of others as well.

    In this regard, I think there needs to be some balance. Parenting is important work and we can all do a little better in raising responsible, orderly people who are also kind and respectful of one another.

  38. Interesting article. I always like considering alternative methods/ideas about childrearing. Always open for self-improvement. I don’t think corporal punishment is ever effective, nor is neglect, or humiliation, or rejection, but loving direction about boundaries seems really important. I see parents who are incredibly cruel with their children’s feelings in my neighborhood park, but I don’t draw conclusions about the whole culture from those incidents. Maybe the writer drew conclusions without even evidence?
    I think that what happens for mothers everywhere at one point or another is difficulty determining when and how to mark their own boundaries. Kids are incredibly needy, and if they are to be healthy, confident, and loving, they need to have their needs met, not over indulged, but met. It can be extremely exhausting and confusing in the beginning, but once the early years are over and there’s been a lot of physical affection and attention to feelings, the results can be good for all, the tired parent, the child who needs to be defining him or herself…I’m a mother of a 5 year old who attends a French immersion school that follows the French Curriculum. My son has attended the school since he was 2 because I had to work. I found the classroom amazing. It wasn’t just glorified babysitting. The 2 year olds were learning and dancing and drawing and speaking in French. The teachers were affectionate and were able to instill a bit of order and discipline. It’s always about balance isn’t it? Smacking, neglecting, ignoring, these are all extremes and unnecessary no matter who does it…My little guy plays by himself as well as with others. If I’m in the company of adults, he’s respectful of our space. He hasn’t thrown a tantrum in years, and we aren’t disciplinarians. He just seems calm and content and confident. We treat him respectfully and acknowledge his feelings and he does the same for us.

  39. I read bringing up bebe.. the author presents her take on French Parenting as if she is not sure she buys all of it. This article is brazenly depicting french mothers as abusive.. The book Bringing up Bebe has moments of glorifying french parenting that seems over the top but it also has a few appliccable points. I like some of the concepts such as “le pause” waiting before immediately consoling your child, to help them lawn to self sooth. As a NEW mother (8 weeks this thursday) and a early childhood educator it is difficult to parent because I have knowledge and theoretical approaches i have been taught while earning my bachelors degree that don’t always go along with what i do as a mother in the moment.

  40. I too grew up overseas and i think the ‘French’ model is pretty similar to most cultures overseas. I do feel that ‘American’ parenting is the most permissive, sometimed downright coddling parenting i have ever witnessed.( and continue to witness…with exceptions of course)
    I am conflicted sometimes on how best to raise my daughter as she is spends most of her time in daycare with caregivers that only know to set the limits that they are allowed. When she gets home there is a different set of rules as that is how i was raised( no talking with food in your mouth, speaking in low tones, no speaking when adults are speaking, girls cross their legs when seated etc) At this point ( she’s 3) i think daycare manners are winning .

    It will be interesting to see how she turns out…. hopefully a well rounded individual that knows how to act in both scenarios and not a totally confused one :)

  41. I grew up in Southern California where “manners” were defined as treating others with respect and kindness, a firm handshake and a big smile”…the specifics of how to hold your utensils and whether your elbows touched the table were left for you to determine whether your company expected it. “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” And when in Southern California your expected to be somewhat less formal, in many cases to skip to forgo the tie and prim and proper manners for the sake of not seeming stuck up. Now that I have kids I’m torn between what degree of formality to teach them and how to make sure they don’t turn off their California peers.

  42. I found that article to be very accurate! Except French children are not so well behaved, but they are able to put on a show of it. As soon as parents turn their backs, it is most definitely “Lord of the Flies”! Crazy! Sure Americans could pick up a few habits that would improve their own parenting but the French could also look around and seek improvement. But everyone outs in blinders and refuses to change anything and get better. Or if they do change, they do so over-committee and completely blind to the person they are parenting. :(

  43. Another person whose experience is that boarding school is very rare in the UK – only for the truly wealthy. Average annual fees would be much more than the average income. I think the stats are that about 6.5% of British children go to independent schools, and of these schools, about one third are boarding schools. So only something like 2% of British children ever set foot inside a boarding school, as regardless of how you feel about it, it is entirely out of reach for the vast majority.

  44. I would definitely echo the remarks of those who have said there is a variety of experience and expectation in any culture. I grew up in the UK and went to school in the 80s. My primary school (4-11 years old) was fairly middle class and my memory was that the expectations of my teachers (and my parents) were high – we stood up when another teacher came into the room to show our respect, for example. We played outside at break time in all weathers with very little regard for health and safety (conversely my children aren’t allowed to play outside in school when it’s icy or wet in case they fall!). Most of us ate in the school canteen and were expected to chat quietly amongst ourselves and use appropriate table manners, much as you would expect a group of adults to do. I remember my schooling very fondly and always felt nurtured and encouraged. My husband, on the other hand, describes his school days as a mixture of bullying and lawlessness with a smattering of learning in there somewhere! We lived in different parts of the UK at the time, but my experience is that there is a huge variety in parenting and adult expectation of children even in a country as relatively small as the UK.
    Similarly our parents styles of parenting were different, despite both families being considered ‘middle class’ and therefore broadly comparable.
    Even amongst my own peer group I find a big spectrum of parenting styles – interestingly when making new ‘mummy’ friends I seem to have gravitated towards other people with parenting styles similar to my own, probably because we broadly share the same ethos and outlook on life.

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