Four things I couldn’t wait until my Friday link list to share:
1) This essay on Medium titled, “Relax, Ladies. Don’t Be So Uptight. You Know You Want It,” is SO GOOD. It’s about how women of my generation (Gen X) were raised to care about the preferences of men above our own preferences, and we may not even be aware of it. One of the examples she uses, the Gentleman Prefer Hanes ads, made me gasp. I remember those ads!
At the time they came out, it never would have occurred to me how awful they are. Gentleman might prefer Hanes, but what about the women wearing the pantyhose? What do we prefer? And also, how gross is it that the men in the ads are apparently with a significant other, and openly checking out other women? We were raised on this stuff!
A quote from the essay:
We are all byproducts of a collective mindset. Those who question the mindset of their time and shine light on its moral defects are considered malcontents. And yet, it is malcontents like MLK who are (later) lauded as heroes — not for upholding America’s values, for shaping them. Here’s a fun game. Ask yourself: What strongly held opinion of mine will my grandchildren one day struggle to understand?
Even if you’re not part of Gen X, I think you’ll enjoy the essay. It has me examining my closely held opinions.
2) I was fascinated by this new research in the New York Times measuring bias of readers based on the sources where they get their news. There’s a chart at the end that will make you want to stick with PBS. The article was further encouragement to make sure I’m reading widely from a variety of news sources.
Take a look, there were some surprises in the data for me. You too?
3) Today is the last day to register to vote in 13 states: AZ, AR, FL, GA, IN, KY, LA, MI, MS, NM, NV, OH, PA, TN,TX. Here’s a chart of each state and their voter registration deadlines.
Not sure if you’re registered? Double check here. Need to register, but worried it will take too much time? It only takes a couple of minutes, I swear. Go do it right now. You’ll feel so good!
My daughter Olive keeps a stack of voter registration forms in her backpack and gives them out wherever she is. She’s especially good at finding 18 year olds. Working on voter registration has her wondering why it’s necessary at all. We discussed how in Australia, voting day is a holiday and it’s illegal not to vote — apparently you get a fine (like $50) if you don’t vote. And here in the U.S., North Dakota has no registration requirement at all. How would you feel if voter registration wasn’t necessary? How would you feel if there was a law that you had to vote?
4) This is another really good essay regarding the sexual assault, that takes you through examples of when the author wasn’t assaulted. I originally read it as a Twitter thread, but she adapted it for Vox. It’s a compelling read. With each instance there’s a build up where you can easily see how things could go badly, but they didn’t. She concludes:
In my life, I’ve had experiences of all kinds. Unfortunately, I have been assaulted. I have also not been assaulted. The difference was never what I was wearing, how much I flirted, or how much I was drinking. The only difference was whether or not the men felt it was okay or not to assault.
On the Twitter thread, it was especially interesting because hundreds of women shared stories of when they weren’t raped, and hundreds of men shared stories of when they didn’t rape.
—–
How about you? Have you read anything in the last couple of days that you can’t stop thinking about?
Annie
October 9, 2018 at 11:25 amThat Medium article was really powerful! Thank you for sharing.
Robyn
October 9, 2018 at 12:20 pmI couldn’t agree more with your statement (and hers) that “Gen X were raised to care about the preferences of men above our own preferences – and we may not even be aware of it”.
TRUTH. Absolute, tragic truth.
It is something that my eyes have been opened to and that I am now wrestling to reconcile and correct. For myself and for my daughters daughters.
I did not however enjoy the article. It was too crude and gross. Though I fully understand that is her point. What we were raised on WAS/IS disgusting.
Personally, for all of us I think that going forward we must try to channel what could easily be rage and justified hatred at the injustice of it all into change brought about by steadfastness with an undertone of goodness and light – you know, Dr. King style.
Elspeth
October 9, 2018 at 12:29 pmHave I read anything else recently that I keep thinking about? Yes — Taylor Swift’s IG post. Good for her for finally speaking out and using her voice and her power. I hope her comments help re-frame the conversation — there’s “being political” and then there’s supporting human rights. The latter should be, or at least it used to be, a no-brainer.
I was in college in the eighties and remember that ad campaign. I also remember my mother, who owned her own business and hated wearing pantyhose with a passion, saying when she first saw the ads, “If they like Hanes so much, THEY can wear them!”.
Joann @ Woman in Real Life
October 13, 2018 at 5:57 pmElspeth, I love your mom! When I was reading that article, I was thinking, I really think this all depends on the women you have in your lives. Advertising can’t beat a good female role model.
Maryanne
October 9, 2018 at 12:49 pmI heard on NPR a few weeks ago about a book called Rage Becomes Her and am now listening— so far it touches on socialization and how our culture teaches girls not to express their anger whereas boys are seen to possess leadership qualities if they do, that we subtly (or not so subtly) reinforce to boys that they can’t control themselves whereas girls are expected to or are called crazy, or worse. Really interesting, sometimes infuriating, stuff but so important for teaching and raising our boys and girls now and to acknowledge the kinds of behaviors and expectations that we have been steeped in. And, at least as she states in the intro, the rage she encourages is an impetus to change, not demeaning, belittling or hostility which our society certainly doesn’t need more of. I’d love to hear if anyone else here has read it!
Laura
October 9, 2018 at 2:00 pmI work in a bookstore and we just had the author Soraya Chemaly in the store for another book she contributed to (Nevertheless We Persisted) and she’s a consistently intelligent, thoughtful voice on these issues–I love her!
VG
October 10, 2018 at 2:07 pmI’ll have to read this. Thanks for bringing it up. I struggle with this so much as a mom of both boys and now a girl. So much of what will make my sons leaders will be considered “sassy” (with a negative connotation) in my little girl and then will be perceived as “bitchy” when she’s grown. I know first hand, and I know it only gets worse as we get older. I was a bright and confident girl, not easily influenced by others, and often selected for leadership roles at school. But I can remember often hearing how “bossy” I was. Does anyone tell little boys they are “bossy”?! As I got older, I was too “direct”; I learned to soften my emails and other work communications to the point of being stifled. I no longer raise my hand, literally and figuratively. I’ve been a stay at home mom for a few years. I’m scared to even volunteer for something like PTA President because I don’t want to be “that mom”. I see how others roll their eyes. I miss working, and I’d like to go back. But I’m lost as to how to find my way in a corporate world that doesn’t value what my real strengths are. I’m good a making decisions. I’m great at delegating. I’m a critical thinker. I can see the big picture. I’m an ENTJ for crying out loud. All of these things should be positives, but why do I feel so insecure about them?
Rachel
October 9, 2018 at 2:01 pmI love the article–content and delivery–it made me laugh, shake my head, and cringe several times each. It also enlightens me a bit on why my mom was so often frustrated with the broader culture when I was growing up. She was definitely a self-described feminist and would often point out ads or certain people she didn’t agree with.
Maybe that’s why I’m less likely to identify with the term “feminist” now–I think of it as a descriptor for an older generation, and I’m certain that many of my friends feel the same. I’m thinking we need to take back the term now, though. I get the feeling that the recent events have awoken many in my generation (gen Y/older millenial) to the present need for feminism. In my adult life, I’ve been much more focused other social issues (LGBTQ rights, racism) that I haven’t given as much thought to feminism.
Something I keep sharing that you may like.
Catherine
October 9, 2018 at 2:23 pmVoting is just done on a Saturday in Australia, not a specific holiday to vote. We also can look up where what sort of fundraising stalls will be at different voting stations, will there be a cake stall? A Sausage Sizzle? Egg and Bacon Rolls? All things to be taken into account before we go to vote
Jen G
October 9, 2018 at 2:30 pmInteresting. I bet more people in America would vote if there was food involved.
Kim
October 9, 2018 at 4:31 pmAnd in Australia it’s easy to vote early if you can’t make it the day. I’m almost vegan but still have a democracy sausage on voting days!
Rachel Vance
October 9, 2018 at 4:41 pmAnd also, it’s kind of splitting hairs, but it isn’t illegal not to vote. The law requires you to turn up and get your name marked off, but no-one checks whether you are actually voting – you can put a blank ballot in the the box if that’s your thing (it is NOT my thing – voting is the best!)
Anna
October 10, 2018 at 5:59 pm“Democracy sausages” (as we call them) are the best.
Kim
October 9, 2018 at 4:36 pmAlso you still have to register to vote in Australia – it’s illegal to not register though and high school leavers are sent registration forms and don’t have to further identify themselves which makes it easy to do. We also need to change our registration when we move houses.
Michelle
October 10, 2018 at 12:37 amWow! I can recall ads like that here in Australia too. Today, still in Australia, I struggle with the gambling ads we have on television and also at sporting events. It’s everywhere and having a son who likes numbers, he is starting to take notice of odds when they are around him and asking what it’s all about!
As for voting, I think someone has already mentioned but we don’t have a holiday, just a Saturday which is a much more convenient day than weekdays for MOST people! I work in a hospital and know that they have people who come around with absentee forms for patients who are unable to make it to the polling booth on the day. It is also very simple to vote ahead of time if you are going to be away or unavailable.
I always try to vote on the day as our local school (where the polling booth is) holds a sausage sizzle or a cake stall. It is a true community event!
Meg
October 10, 2018 at 8:50 amHi Gabby!
Wondering if you saw the Julius Ghost twitter thread from October 6th? https://twitter.com/JuliusGoat/status/1048550354776936450
I haven’t vetted the twitter account, but saw it on douconsideryourselfafeminist instagram account and thought you would be interested. It speaks towards the Hanes ad and also has helped my husband grasp more of the anger that I’m feeling…which is always good!
Willow
October 10, 2018 at 11:24 amIt wasn’t just female Gen-Xers who grew up with the the Gentlemen Prefer Hanes ads and beliefs….males did as well. They were conditioned to believe that their wants and desires trumped those of females.
We, as a society, have a lot to fix.
Anonymous
October 10, 2018 at 11:54 amThat Hanes article brought back so many memories, especially the Andrew Dice Clay bit. My boyfriend in the 80s was a huge fan of his, and I remember we fought about that issue constantly. (The beginning of the relationship with this guy also started with him pressuring me over and over to have sex with him until, in exhaustion, I finally bought into his narrative that we were meant to be together and it was just a matter of when. Cringe, cringe.)
I just saw A Star is Born a couple nights ago and was dismayed to see him cast as Lady Gaga’s father, with no media coverage of the implications of that casting choice that I can find. That was just a persona from his past and he’s turned over a new leaf? Show me the accountability, and then we can talk.
Jeanne
October 10, 2018 at 12:09 pmI’ve been working towards decolonizing my thinking and my assumptions. There have been many times when I’ve come up against my own privilege.
These articles remind me of the work I have to do to undo the patriarchal narrative that’s been normalized.
Kate the Great
October 10, 2018 at 1:02 pmThe Medium article you linked to definitely has a strong point. There’s one section there that I really don’t agree with:
“We are two camps. In one are the Naomi Weissteins with their trumpets, in the other are the women who would still be riding side-saddle in a dress if it weren’t for the rights won by their malcontent sisters.”
I think we as women are not all squarely in two separate groups. I think that we constantly form new groups and we move from opinion to opinion within our lifetimes. I think we are more active in women’s lib at some points of our lives than others. We may get a job that makes us work graveyards, so that’s all we have energy for. Or we may be so bogged down in the caring of kids, that it’s all we have energy to think about.
This sentence is also memorable:
“Single women were presented with two choices: You were either marriage material (compliant and fun, a go-along gal!) or you were one of those militant ERA lesbian types doomed to die in a one-bedroom with your cats.”
As a high-schooler who graduated in 2003, when girls asked me who my boyfriend was or who I wanted to marry, I shrugged and said, “I don’t. I want to live in a townhouse with my books, my Tiffany lamps, and my cats.”
And now, I only have one of those three things: the books. Was I a feminist then and I’m not now? I don’t know. More likely I had more energy and mental capacity to be a feminist. Right now, I’m creating meaningful members of the next generation, one diaper at a time.
VG
October 10, 2018 at 1:52 pmYes to everything you’ve said.
VG
October 10, 2018 at 1:47 pmI haven’t read the article yet, and I know I’ll be crucified for admitting this, but this particular ad doesn’t bother me so much. If anything bothers me, it’s the implication that the guy is straying. I hate a cheater. But I don’t mind the idea of wanting to appeal to the opposite sex, and I think this is a fair two way street. I see lots of commercials for men’s products, especially toiletries, that imply they should wear/use the products because women would find them sexy.
I don’t mean to say that I agree that what men want from us is more important than what we want for ourselves; I vehemently disagree with this.
Melissa
October 10, 2018 at 1:59 pmI only get my news from PBS! I cannot stand cable news. I really appreciate the effort PBS News Hour puts into being fair and balanced in this day and age.
Anna
October 10, 2018 at 6:01 pmI am an Australian living in the US, and I regularly rant to Americans about how I think the US political spectrum would be so much less polarized if voting was compulsory. In Australia, both the “left” and “right” parties (Labour and Liberals) need to appeal to the centrists – there’s no way to win otherwise. There’s a huge amount of overlap. In the US, it feels like politicians are deliberating whipping up blind party bias and partisanship just to get people passionate enough to go out and vote. I’m sure this is an oversimplification, but it seems if we could MAKE the centre get out and vote, surely each party would be forced to move towards the centre and partisanship would abate, to some extent.
Kimberly
October 11, 2018 at 5:14 amI’m 46 and work at an office with mostly younger men and women. We were talking about #MeToo and I offhandedly mentioned that at a few of my early jobs through the 90s, there was always the older man who gave the unsolicited shoulder massages to the younger women. He’d just come up behind and start rubbing your shoulders. And I always had that thrum-thrum-thrum “this is not right” feeling inside but when I talked to older female colleagues, the opinion was that Gene/Bob/Rick was harmless! And don’t shoulder rubs feel good?
My younger coworkers looked at me as if I landed from another planet and that’s good. If I saw that happening in my office today, I’d step in. But yeah…so many generations were groomed to accept this behavior and I hope that we were the last.
Kristian
October 11, 2018 at 6:59 amI am looking forward to reading the articles but have to admit the Hanes ad made me laugh. I couldn’t figure it out and was like, “Is the guy smiling because he’s thinking of how comfortable his underwear is? Why is that ladies leg sticking out?” Forgot Hanes made panty hoes….
Sabrina
October 11, 2018 at 5:28 pmMinnesotans take voting really seriously, and we have the highest voter turnout in the country. We also can register to vote on election day! The more the merrier! Every one I know votes, it’s actually really weird when someone says they don’t vote here.
Minnesotan: We give you, Prince, Target, and Voters!
Julia
October 12, 2018 at 12:04 pmAnother Minnesotan here! I love the day of voter registration and how it makes it easier for certain groups of people to vote. Even the day-of voter registration is simple. Don’t have any of the standard forms of ID, have your neighbor vouch for you. Homeless and don’t have a typical address, write down a description of where you stay. It’s lovely.
Laurel
October 12, 2018 at 6:14 amThanks for the Medium article. The part about the “just an act” excuse for bad behavior reminds of a random thing I read online years ago in someone’s signature – “if you spend most of your time acting like an asshole on the internet, chances are it’s not an act.” (Sorry if a-hole is verboten here – I’ve been reading for awhile and can’t remember if I’ve seen it or not. It’s one of my favorite words, so useful. :) Please edit my crassness if you want, Gabbie.)