Have I told you about my crazy breasts? They are vastly different sizes. I am so lopsided that when I catch a glimpse of myself just out of the shower, I have to call Ben Blair to come witness the insanity (Ben! Come see! You will not believe this!!).
Why are they so lopsided? Well, it’s a boring story. Sometime after baby number two (I was approximately 26 years old), I found a large and painful lump in my right breast. When I consulted with doctors, the consensus was that it should be removed. So I had surgery. And happily, the lump wasn’t cancerous. But, during the surgery, my milk ducts on half my right breast were sliced through and they’ve never drained properly since. (In case you’re wondering, there’s no blame here. When making the cut, the doctor was doing his best to hide the scar and it is hidden beautifully. If I flashed you, you would never know I had breast surgery.)
So basically, this is what has happened with babies 3 through 6:
1) I get pregnant. My very flat chest swells to a B-cup. I take every opportunity to admire my new chest in the mirror.
2) Then the baby is born and starts to nurse. My milk comes in after a few days and I am temporarily transformed into an Amazon Woman with a rock hard rack. No one is allowed within 3 feet of me to prevent any accidental bumping of my super sore chest.
3) The baby nurses equally on both sides for about a week. At which point, the baby starts favoring my left side. After two weeks, you couldn’t pay the baby to nurse on my right side. So I use a pump to remove the milk from the right side for a few more weeks until my right side completely dries up. (Yes, I keep the pumped milk in the freezer. I use it to bake cookies for the neighbors. Kidding!)
4) For about a year — from 2 weeks after the birth until I stop nursing — I walk around with crazy lopsided breasts. Lopsided as in one is a C or D cup (depending on if the baby has eaten or not), and one is a double A. For those of you that aren’t flat-chested, I feel I should point out that double A sizing does not work the same way as double D. Double A is smaller than A. It’s like almost A. It’s that small. I am not kidding you. When I’m not nursing, I have to shop for bras in the training bra section.
Times when it’s problematic to have one size D breast and one size A breast:
1) During swim season. Like the month of July, for example.
2) When you’re bra shopping.
3). ALL. THE. TIME.
Actually, it’s not that bad. I have this fake boob (pictured here, because I know blog readers are a curious bunch) that I wear in my right side bra cup and it does a pretty good job of even-ing things out. It’s not perfect, but I’m hoping no one is staring that closely at my chest.
Also, I know that as soon as I wean, the left side will drop down to a double A again and Ill be back to my totally flat-chested self. Even then, they’ll never be a perfectly matched set, but they’re close enough. So this is a temporary craziness.
Anything else I want to add? Why yes. Three things:
1) Pretty much immediately after the surgery, my lump came back. Bigger and badder than ever. I get it checked regularly and it seems to be harmless enough. Although it does act as a reliable weather forecaster. Whenever I notice my lump aching, I know it’s going to rain. I’m totally serious. My breast predicts the weather. It’s a great party trick.
2) Doesn’t it seem like the reward for growing up with a flat chest in a society that values big boobs above all else would be perfect breast health? Me too. It’s unfair people. I call a redo.
3) If you meet me in person, don’t be afraid to check out my chest. I would do the same thing.
And that’s the story. So. What about you? When you want to share TMI on your blog, what’s your favorite topic. : ) Any other crazy nursing stories out there?
P.S. — I know this isn’t typical Design Mom fare, but it’s on my mind, and I thought you might indulge me. Also. My breast surgery left major bruising for weeks and weeks across my whole chest and had crazy after-affects as described above. My advice: don’t take any surgery lightly.
Gabby, this whole post makes me love you more :) Flat chested (or not) and all :)
Not sure if I’ll get responses on this…but where do you ladies find a bra that doesn’t gap on you? Do they exist? After nursing my 3 daughters, I’m so deflated on the top of my already small breasts that even in a push up bra, there is a gap. Maybe it’s just unavoidable. I tried on like 3243 bras tonight….with no success!!
Great post Gabby! I’ve got “La Lump” too and after I recovered from the heart attack of thinking I had cancer – it isn’t too bad. Fine needle aspiration (draining with a syringe) isn’t painful and can help reduce the size of the lump if it gets larger or uncomfortable. Something to keep in mind when things settle down up there ;)
I also have to shop for bras in the little girls’ section. My size A is too big for me now that I’ve stopped nursing so I need to get a double A. So you are in very good company!
Fascinating! Thank you for your honesty–it’s truly incredible!
thank.you.for.your.vulnerability.
…and your beautiful sense of humor:).
This might just be my favorite Design Mom post ever. The voice in your writing makes it so real, and all women can relate in some way.
I haven’t been an A since I hit puberty. My average is probably a C. Pregnant and nursing = D. Seven months later (post-nursing), and I am an A. I don’t call my husband in to see the lop sidedness; I call him in to see the nothingness that I now have. I find it somewhat enjoyable. I think he wants me to get pregnant again ;)
I loved this post, and some of the comments made me laugh hard! I haven’t had any babies or removals, but I’ve got some unevenness going on anyway—more like one B and one A. I’m clearly not alone, and I guess I should be thankful I don’t have a D and an A??
Wow Gabby, this is one of my favorite posts EVER. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! I started as a C, went all the way to an E (ouch) then shrunk down to a B after baby #1. Then after baby #2 my left breast shrunk down to good ol’ AA and the right one stayed a “nearly C” – definitely difficult during swim suit season! I actually own a bra in almost every cup size available and the poor little left one jangles around in whatever size I wear. Thanks for the inspiration: I suppose I could stop wearing two nursing pads on the left side and upgrade to the fake boob… very funny stuff.
First of all, You are hilarious! us blog readers are nosey, you’re right. and I hope your neighbors don’t take you too seriously! :) I just came across your blog and will definitely be adding you to my reader!
Yes! I have a funny nursing story. I took my fist born who was about 5 months old to a public lecture that John Grisham was giving at The University of Virginia School of Law where my husband was attending school. Afterwards after the crowd had died down I went up to meet him and have him hold my baby while I took a picture. I told him that I had been reading his books while nursing. He got this uncomfortable look on his face and said “Of all the people I have met, I have never heard that one before.”
“Have I ever told you about my crazy breasts?”
Best ice breaker ever.
:)
FWIW I’m right there with you. I’ve been nursing my 7 month-old exclusively on my left side for months. I don’t have any issues with the right breast as far as I know, and nursed my first son on both sides for a year. Sometimes I look down and am taken aback! Other people must think I look pretty off…
Trust me, I’ve got natural F cups. Which means I have back problems, troubles finding bras that fit (38 F is not so common), trouble finding shirts that fit, coats are a joke, and I get harassed constantly by men.
I don’t go to the bar, I don’t go to clubs very often. Because they wont leave me alone.
Plus, I don’t get any cute bras either. :<
Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I missed this when you posted it! Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m dealing with a similar issue and it’s wonderful to read other people’s experiences–especially that breast feeding from only one breast is possible. I had breast cancer and treatment at 26, and a lumpectomy left one side just a little smaller. But now that I’m pregnant, the normal breast has gone up to E while the little one has stayed a full C/little D. I have to stuff an entire pair of tights around the little one to fill out the bra I need to support the big side! I have a fake boob on order so hopefully that’ll work a bit better. And when this baby comes, we’ll see what happens with breastfeeding…. wouldn’t want to be even MORE uneven but really hoping I’ll be able to breastfeed, even though it’s likely only the big/normal boob will produce.
I just found your blog and can you believe, this is the second article I read on it! As a fellow Double A club member I couldn’t resist the title! I’m hooked…now off to transfrom my hubby’s out of date ties into skinny ties!
Thank you for this post. I’m not on the extreme side of being lopsided, but when baby E was first born in March, I was very lopsided. One has always been larger than the other, but it’s much more noticeable now that I’m a nursing first-time mom. No one really notices unless I say something, BUT I know and I notice all the time. My milk supply was also different—the bigger side is now called “high test” because my let-down was always jet powered on that side. I’d always gag the baby and he hated that side until just a few weeks ago when my supply evened out and we finally found our rhythm.
Thanks for sharing your story. We really do amazing things as moms, even putting up with our crazy bodies.
this is late commenting in the boobie post, but i am your polar opposite. big girls. and let me say it isn’t as glamorous and rosy as you might be led to believe. i had surgery too. i’m more….how do you say? average–now. well, because the circus isn’t in town every week. i’m considering posting about this. hmmm….? am i brave enough? ;)
I too am an almost-A and am just coming to the end of nursing. Boy has it been a trip. For a while there it was great. My boobs were big, I had a cute baby, and was burning 500 calories a day by letting him suck on them. Then he started to prefer the right boob. So for months now I’ve been walking around with one B-C boob and one almost-A boob. Boy will I be glad when both are flat again.
Well i just had surgery one week ago, removing enlarged lymph nodes from right axillary(aka arm pit), these were most likely due to silicon being filtered through the lymph nodes and then staying put and hardening and enlarging. seven years ago waterskiing took a huge hit to chest on a fall and popped the boob! so be happy with your small chest. i wish i would have been cause i think it has been the cause of many of my problems . I also was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis one year after the rupture!!! the Doc. said no correlation…..any how the reason i am telling you this huge story is: i thought the surgery would be no big deal, but yes it has been a big deal. My wound opened after a week and drained a profuse amount of fluid, and continues to do so…. what a pain. i had no idea that my armpit would swell up like a tennis ball under there and then drain. this apparently can go on for weeks… oh bother.
You know how when you hear a baby cry, you have a letdown response? Well, we live on a busy street with lots of traffic, some of it from fire trucks. The fire station is just up the street. So one day I was out with my son in the car and hear a siren going. Yep, I had a letdown response from the siren noise. Happened every time. Now what freaky part of your brain is responsible for THAT?
I know I’m a little late for commenting, but I had to. I just read this today, it popped up under one of your other posts and caught my attention. I’m in the tiny A club as well, and also had a lumpectomy (non cancerous) in one breast. The lump(s) came back too by the way and I suspect it has something to do with scar tissue. Everything about your story sounds exactly spot on to my experiences. While I was nursing my daughter, the milk ducts became clogged, or hadn’t properly worked because of the scar tissue/scarring and I got clogged and then bled. The doctors I had said I had to stop breast feeding and go on antibiotics. Luckily I got a second opinion from a doctor I trusted. The clog cleared, it was painful, but I was able to continue nursing. Thanks for sharing. You are hilarious.
okay, I just saw this. Very interesting and thanks for sharing! I’m an A and my left side has always been messed up as well. When nursing my kids, the left always got plugged ducts, multiple bouts of mastitis, and once the mastitis became an abscess and I wound up in the ER to have it drained. Now that both kids are weaned, I’m back to an A (well A cup is a bit roomy on me, but AA too small) with a slightly larger left side. I personally think being flat chested looks better (not just saying that because I am!) – more runway-type stylish, and makes one look thinner overall :)
One of the things that is holding me back from having a 3rd baby is I’m not sure I can endure another year of painful plugged ducts, mastitis, fevers, etc!
I know this is an old post, but I had to write because I just read it. I was a b cup before i had my baby, during nursing, my right boob was barely an “a” and my left swelled to more than a “d”. I looked like a freak! The doctor said there is nothing I could do because I lacked ducts in that breast. So while I was nursing, I used those little cutlets (I had to put two on the right side and it was still smaller!). After I was done nursing, both breasts deflated to barely an “a”. I actually like the smaller chest. I have to say, your fake boob looks really good and I was wondering where you got it? Weird question I know but I may need it again if/when I have my second. Thank you for sharing that and helping me realize I’m not the only one.
Love your sense of humor – I am surfing my favourite blogs while breastfeeding(!) and had to laugh out loud when I read about your weather-forcasting breast. ;)
I wanted to mention this one little wee thing. ;D Each of my children preferred nursing on my right side. I think it was because that was the side I felt most comfortable holding them on. But, the first two kids nursed on both sides. The third one refused to nurse on the left side after the first two weeks. Now, normally, I am one of those double D gals you mention in the post. Now, imagine that one of my breasts shrinks to a C cup and the other hikes it’s way up to a K. Yup, I had the exact same problem you did. I just had to deal with it for one kid, though. I love your solution! And, I’m really glad you are cancer free.
my best friend sent me to your blog. she knew i would love it. i feel like i wrote it. freaking awesome.
Several years ago I was doing a big of researching for a friend who had a breast tumor. I came across some interesting info about the body’s reaction to deoderants and other products (including lotions) that can settle into the fatty tissues of the breast. Might be worth a google! Love your blog !! And i loved a long weekend in Paris a few years ago… would love to return to France. Enjoy!
Hilarious post! I have a knee that predicts the weather following reconstructive surgery when I was 16 and my right breast has always been smaller than my left which is most inconvenient: C cup on the right and DD cup on the left – someone should invent a bra that has one cup smaller than the other :D
Thank you for sharing this. I have always been lopsided. But not that noticibly until after nursing both my babies for a year each. Both of my kids liked the left side best. The bigger side. And now that I am no longer nursing and almost 40 years old…blah…looking in the mirror after showering kind of depresses me. I have never been able to go without a bra. Especially these days. You wouldn’t have to be staring to notice one side is a B cup and the other a C.
Teary eyed after watching the Dove video.
I read this post when I’m feeling extra self-conscious about my naturally lopsided AA-A/B combo. (Actually, if there were a 3A…) Thanks for your honesty and for all the comments it inspired.
Lately I’m convinced that between Angelina Jolie’s decision and the popularity of Downton Abbey, flat chests are going to be all the rage any day now.
Just seeing this article for the first time from one of your recent A Few Things posts. So brave of you to share and post personal items like this and so important for women to read this and know they aren’t the only ones! Thank you! This is what the ladies of “Forever 35” do on their podcast – they talk and share so many TMI things that I think we as women need to hear and know we aren’t the only ones! I know you are getting ready to launch your podcast (excited!), but if you haven’t checked out Forever 35, please do! I am way past that age (and I feel like I am “forever 36”), but so many of the topics they talk about are relevant for women of all ages mixed in with their love for beauty products. It’s a fun listen. I always get something out of each show. Good luck to you with your new podcast and thank you for reposting this article. XO
Thanks for this note, Dominique! And thanks for the podcast recommendation.