Question:
Hi Gabrielle! Could you please give me some advice? My baby is turning 3 this year and I’m thinking about getting pregnant again. How did you decide to space your kids? How do you know it’s time to have another one or if you’re done? I appreciate your thoughts. — Thanks, Jeannie.
Answer:
Wow. That’s a big question, Jeannie! But I’m game. As far as spacing goes, in my head, I always thought I’d have babies about two years apart until I was done. But that never happened. Here’s what did happen:
Ralph and Maude are 18 months apart.
Maude and Olive are 2 1/2 years apart.
Olive and Oscar are 3 1/2 years apart.
Oscar and Betty are 16 months apart.
Betty and June are 4 years apart.
It turns out, not everyone has control of when and if they’ll conceive (or adopt). Me included. So first off, even if you make a plan, know that you may or may not be able to stick with it. And that it will all work out either way.
Here are my thoughts on what I experienced. Sixteen months apart was definitely the trickiest. It’s not twins, but it’s still two babies. I won’t lie, it can be rough. But the nice thing is, if you have a hard time enjoying a certain stage — say the diaper years, or the preschool phase — you move on to the next part of life really fast. Having kids close in age is efficient! Another nice thing is a built in playmate. Oscar and Betty have been inseparable for years. I’m sure that will change at some point, but it’s been wonderful as we’ve moved from New York to Colorado to France.
In contrast, 4 years apart was by far the easiest on me as a mother. By the time June was born, Betty could get herself dressed, get herself a snack and entertain herself pretty well. She was old enough to be comfortable at preschool and was good company when I was hanging out nursing Baby June — Betty was even old enough to be able to get me a drink of water. : ) But four years is a lot. Two years in and Betty and June definitely don’t have a buddy relationship. It’s much more of a big sister/baby sister thing. Who knows if they’ll ever be close friends. I hope so. But who knows?
And really, some of this is just luck of the draw. I’m sure we all know plenty of siblings who are close in age, but not close emotionally. Or the opposite. In our family, Ralph and Olive are 4 years apart but they’ve turned out to be great friends. They really enjoy hanging out together! So it seems like sibling spacing is really one of those no one-can-predict sort of things.
My advice: listen to those instincts of yours. If you feel like you would be completely overwhelmed to find yourself morning sick or caring for a newborn, perhaps it’s still time to wait. On the other hand, if you’re obsessed with babies and find yourself staring dreamily at maternity clothes, maybe it’s time for the next baby. And for those of you who pray (I’m one of you), this is the perfect sort of thing to pray about.
I’ll end with the “how do you know when you’re done” part. I’ve probably had this exact conversation with at least 100 women — and some men too! People approach the decision so differently. We knew we were done at 6. Earlier in our marriage, I might have guessed that we’d have 7 or 8 or even 9. But by the time we actually got to 6 we knew it was enough. Six just felt like our max.
But again, everyone approaches it differently. In Nie Nie’s book, she mentioned that she purchased a kitchen table that would seat 8 people — and she intended to fill it. Others assume they’ll have a certain number of children but then find they can’t conceive again after the first baby. Or they can’t conceive at all. Some people have a plan from the beginning, others kind of wing it and see what happens. And still others find themselves on the adoption trail and are bound by budgets and other people’s decisions. It’s tricky stuff!
Dear Readers, I know you have lots of great experience in this area. Please share! How did you decide to space your kids? When/how did you know you were done growing your family? How close in age are you to your own brothers and sisters?
P.S. — Want more? Here’s an earlier related post called Having Another Child.
Loved this post and all the comments! We have two girls who are 17 months apart. (They are now 17.5 months and 13 days old). We still have family here helping, so I haven’t really had to handle both on my own yet. I can tell it’s going to be tough for the next few months, but I’m seeing several benefits of such a small age gap already. For example, my older daughter wants to spend more time with me but is very adoring of the baby; I don’t think she’s quite old enough to make the connection that it’s the new baby who is taking all my time, so she’s not jealous. I am SO glad to have the girls close in age now that the little one has arrived, but as someone who has very difficult pregnancies, I should have known to put more thought into the stage my older daughter would be in during the toughest months of pregnancy rather than just how old she would be when the newbie arrived.
Love this topic and all the different comments!
I am due to have my third in August. My girl will be 2 1/2 and my boy will be 1. People give me a lot of sympathetic looks and say things like, “Well, at least you will be done having them sooner!” Um, no….
I haven’t given any thought to spacing or planning. I like the idea of fully embracing what God gives you, whether it’s many or a few. I never thought that I would be “that kind of woman” but so far, I have been blessed with 2 amazing birth experiences and 2 angelic kids. And it makes me want to have MORE! I’m not sure what I would have done had I been faced with the challenges that others have had. I just don’t want to jinx a great thing, and I feel that my part is to just keep on having them!
I haven’t even delivered #3 yet and I’m already dreaming about #4. Am I insane??? It hasn’t been all smooth and yes it stresses out me and the family, but I would much rather have these “challenges” than any others. Though I HATE maternity clothes and I really am dreaming of some time to myself to lose weight and have my own body back without being pregnant or nursing.
I struggled with infertility, but we wanted a big family, and I finally ended up with 5 total! So we have weird spacing– first two boys are 11 months apart. Then a 4 year gap and our first girl. Then a six year gap and boy/girl twins!
So I feel like I’ve had several combos– kids close together, a child that came solo with lots of space before and after, and then two the exact same age. I don’t think there is a “right” spacing– there are pros and cons to each. I had more time to spend one-on-one with my 3rd– but she has longed for a sibling her own age while also reveling in a little extra adult attention. My two bookend pairs have never complained, although I have had a lot of guilt about being stretched too thin.
I have had to adjust my style as my family has grown– moving from more attachment-style parenting to a more routine-driven parenting style allowing for a little more separation in order to meet the needs of both older and younger children. I don’t think there is a “right” way. (Usually someone who feels strongly about a “right” way to parent has only 1 child in my experience.) I think make the most with what you get! If you can plan your family precisely, more power to you, but that has not worked for me. I felt after 3 that I would be very happy to stop, but there seemed to be more children for us, and I wasn’t at peace with it. So we persisted and six years later, the twins came! So trust yourself and your gut instinct or spirituality or sense of rightness. You will know!
Being an only child, I never dreamed of having 4 children. I kind of thought 2 or 3 would be the max. After having the first two, who were two very rowdy boys, we took a five year break and then finally it felt right to have another child. At 3, I thought we were done. Three boys is a lot! However, the minute I walked out of the hospital I knew there was one more. The feeling didn’t go away and last year we added one more to the mix -a girl. With much prayer we knew we were done. I think you just know.
My sister and I are 6 years apart (not my parents choice, by any means) but I wouldn’t have it any other way. We both get along so well, more so than any of my friends and their siblings. Sure, our relationship is a little different, but I was a living doll for my sister when I was little, and I’ve always had someone to look out for me and listen to me. She took me shopping, drove me around and has always been someone to look up to.
She used to love (and still does) helping me and being that cool older sister around my friends and was there to get me my cheeky first drinks, to give me advice and show me all the cool new music I should be listening to.
Being so far apart, we’ve always had our own interests, our own friends and never had that sibling rivalry or fought over toys or attention.
Mum and Dad might not have planned to have us so far apart (or have just the two of us) but I think it’s worked out well for us.
No two families are the same though so different things work for different people. Hurrah for families though!
I am 15/13/7 years younger than my older siblings and spent most of childhood/teenage years as an “only child.” This large age gap definitely made me into an independent and fairly wise kid – I had a lot of strong role models to look up to and was attending college graduations at a very young age! It is definitely not conventional and often feels more like a cousin relationship, but as I get older (I’m only 24) I realize that life is long and that opportunities to become closer with my siblings will continue as I traverse into adulthood. I think they will probably always think of my as a baby but I can’t imagine what this age difference will feel like when we are all in our 30s/40s…
oh what a great question and lovely answers. as 1 of 2 children, and now as the parent of 2 children 15 months apart, I can’t say enough for being open to life as it comes. We struggle to conceive our first (we did NFP throughout our marriage both to avoid and achieve pregnancy), so we thought it would take a bit to conceive our second but nope–first try! And having another so close to the first has actually made me a more calm, patient, day-to-day woman.
I’m amazed. I had more help with the first but I find two almost easier than one!!! I think a great deal of our peace of mind has to do with how we approached our second both with our 1st and interiorly (personally). We are so grateful to have these little lives at all that we promised to appreciate what we have, WHO we have.
I’ve always dreamed of having 6, but I will welcome whatever, whoever we get — be it more or less.
It’s really great to see a large family represented in the blogging world. I hope more women will be open to more lives in their lives — It’s not like they’d get to four and say, “wow, 4 is too many, we shouldn’t have had little Jacob.”
I’m late to read this post – busy moms only have so much time to catch up on favorite blogs – but want to add my thanks for including adoptive families. So many times we’re forgotten in discussions of ‘having babies’ and I really appreciate you acknowledge all the wonderful ways families are built. It’s comforting to peruse the comments and see that so many others have come to the same conclusion – we can plan all we want, but how and when our children come to us is ultimately out of our hands.
I have three kids with my oldest being 3 years and 4 months older than the third. My second two are 21 months apart and I wish they were even closer. I do love how close they all are to eachother… they are all buddies at 4 years, 3 years and 16 months old. I think it’s so fun!!
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