Comments on: Supporting Friends Who’ve Lost Children http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/ The Intersection of Design & Motherhood Mon, 20 Oct 2014 15:12:21 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 By: daleen da costa http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-835925 daleen da costa Wed, 22 Jan 2014 09:47:00 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-835925 My 2week old son past away last week monday and his funeral was held at friday the 17th it was really hard and it hurts so much I really miss him and there are still so many questions I have I miss him so much and I can’t stop craying

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By: daleen da costa http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-835923 daleen da costa Wed, 22 Jan 2014 09:39:26 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-835923 I’ve also lost my 2week old son and my heart is braking I don’t know how to deal with it its hard really hard

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By: sophi http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-830249 sophi Mon, 13 Jan 2014 23:28:31 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-830249 I lost my identical twin sons. One at birth on September 2nd 2014 and one 2 and a half month later. it has not been 2 months yet and I am in the midst of the grieving process. I came to this blog looking for resources to share with family as I feel that I constantly need to justify myself for how I choose to grieve. I like to talk about my sons openly and often and it makes some family members (who never met them) uncomfortable.. People have opinion and will share them. Especially in France where I am from. People just want to debate about everything….this is a topic where I think there are no opinions, no debate. it is just plain tragic….

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By: Diana http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-824954 Diana Mon, 06 Jan 2014 05:12:47 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-824954 I have a friend who lost her 33 year old son just over a year ago.
He was her only child and he was taken from her in the most awful way imaginable.
Her grieve has just started to really show and I am having difficulty knowing what to say to her.
I think she would gain from some professional help but how can I help her get this?

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By: Mary http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-698421 Mary Wed, 28 Aug 2013 00:05:06 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-698421 MISS is in my <3 J.C.s teachings have changed me.

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By: Happy http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-692821 Happy Mon, 26 Aug 2013 23:18:13 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-692821 Gina,
Your story made my heart ache. I have no words for you but wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your family’s heart break. I hope one day that you can think of him and smile at his memory instead of just feeling pain washing over you.

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By: Erin http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-669335 Erin Sat, 24 Aug 2013 00:58:48 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-669335 Yes — this is how I feel. My daughter Diana died at birth six months ago, and it felt like it was an invisible loss…so many people said nothing at all. I’m so grateful for people who ask about her, and for the tiny number of people who use her name, even only one time. Mika, I”m so sorry that Christian died, and I wish he was home with you now.

It’s tough to read this entry and the comment thread, but I’m glad that I did.

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By: Gina http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-668508 Gina Fri, 23 Aug 2013 21:44:55 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-668508 One year, one month, and twenty three days ago I waved goodbye to my 15 year old stepson as he left the house to walk to the flea market a few blocks away. An hour later we got the phone call that he had been hit by a train (he was wearing earbuds and couldn’t hear the train whistle).We rushed to the hospital where they told us they had done everything they could but his injuries were too severe, and he didn’t make it. There are no words to describe the way I felt at that moment.

In the hours, days, and weeks that followed many people offered condolences, brought food, or sent messages of sympathy. Everything helped. Nothing helped. I hated the sense of obligation I felt to acknowledge everyone. I gave up writing thank-you cards because it was just too sad.

One of the hardest things to bear is the sound of the train. It is just down the street from our house and we hear it at least 6 or 7 times a day. It’s not that it reminds me of our loss, that is something I think about all the time, it is that it reminds me of the horrible way he lost his life.Losing a child is a horrible thing to go through. It is a burden we will carry the rest of our lives.

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By: Rebecca http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-655914 Rebecca Thu, 22 Aug 2013 12:22:51 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-655914 I agree with so many others who find the question “how are you?” hard to answer. A friend often asks me “what colour is your sky today?”. The answer to such questions may be long or painful. It may seem obvious, but only ask how someone is doing if you really want to know the answer. I remember once mumbling a quick yes when asked how I was. My friend put everything aside, sat down with me and said “really?”. It was such a relief!

And yes, most people how are grieving will welcome stories they haven’t heard before or photos they’ve never seen. Say the loved one’s name. A short note on the birthday or aniversary of death, just a quick “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of Emily today. I miss her laughter and silly jokes” can do wonders.

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By: Alie http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-650518 Alie Wed, 21 Aug 2013 20:32:26 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-650518 What wonderful timing of this post! In less than one week we’ll celebrate what would have been our daughter’s first birthday.

Amelia was born at 38 weeks, and she lived for two and a half beautiful days. We even got to take her home with us. She died from a birth defect, so we knew during our pregnancy that she wouldn’t live. We moved for my husband’s job right after we found out (four days after we found out!) and at 20 weeks pregnant, I pretty much had to make new friends and divulge our story simultaneously. Luckily I was welcomed with warmth and compassion. My new friends even threw me a “baby shower”, where they gifted Amelia and I with matching Vintage Pearl bracelets. I still wear it every single day, and often think of how thoughtful and kindly they approached the (awkward) situation.

Grief has definitely taken on a completely different role than I ever thought it would. I’m such a different person, but strangely enough, I’m a better person. A friend who also lost a baby (20 years ago) gave me a journal right after Amelia died and told me it was exclusively for writing about our daughter. It’s been nice to confine sacred thoughts of her. And I know it’s definitely not for everyone, but I wrote publicly through it all. Writing (blogging) was the only thing keeping me from being consumed by my thoughts. I don’t like to read other people’s stories (it’s too hard, too close to my tender heart) but I’m so grateful I wrote down ours! (http://delightedtobe.com/baby-amelias-story-anencephaly/)

Anyways, hugs to every mama who’s lost a child and to the dear, patient friends out there who are brave enough to help her through it.

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By: amy c http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-647942 amy c Wed, 21 Aug 2013 14:57:38 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-647942 Amy. Thank you for this touching post. This subject has been on my mind all month because August is the birthday month of Drew, the son of dear friends of ours who died almost two years ago now at 16 months. Having watched our friends lose him and then watched the grieving aftermath, I often feel at a loss. For a while, I just asked if I could hug and hold them for a while, allow them to lean on me for a bit. We send cards, messages or packages for his birthday and do check in with them on the anniversary of his passing. My husband and I try to ask about Drew, ask about memories or things he did. We want them to know that we still think of Drew often, we remember him and his brief time here. Thank you for the insight.

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By: Tasha http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-644055 Tasha Wed, 21 Aug 2013 01:57:49 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-644055 Thank you all for your wonderful advice and sharing. I am sorry to all who have lost a beautiful child. I have had a colleague lose a daughter and I tried very much to ask about her, say her name and continue supporting her mother. I have always tried to follow this advice as I can understand the importance of doing so. I cannot help but be inspired to use the healthy suggestions about not asking “How are you?” daily to my mother who is battling stage 4 colon cancer. I was moved reading your posts to now ask her something else. I knew this and have tried, but realize after learning today that I have to just ask her the real questions each and every day. Today was an especially quiet and awkward day as she never was one to be open or talk and she started expressing how awful her hospital visit (tests) had been. She wanted to talk and I wonder did I rise to the occasion!? I realize I’m off topic and hope you indulge me, it’s just that I feel the lessons being discussed pertain to all kinds of grief. I am sincerely enlightened today because of all of you. ♥

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By: ABBY http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-643112 ABBY Tue, 20 Aug 2013 20:39:11 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-643112 This is such a wonderful post. I lost my first child, a daughter, the same summer as Molly. Coincidentally, we somehow both found a wonderful private blog for parents who’d lost children (that a friend of mine had recommended to me). It was comforting hearing from other parents who were farther out in the grieving process and how they got by day to day. I also agree with the suggestion to ask about a person’s loved one who has passed on. I remember (immediately after our loss) aching to talk about my daughter. I had a dear friend who brought me dinner almost weekly for a few months afterward and would invite me out at night to walk and talk with me about how I was feeling and ask about my daughter. It was so generous and kind. I’ll never forget her kindness.

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By: Norah http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-642231 Norah Tue, 20 Aug 2013 18:49:23 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-642231 I lost my eldest son almost 3 years ago, a month after his 21st birthday. My girlfriend lost her eldest son a couple of months ago, a month after his 21st birthday. A friend of her son’s spoke at his viewing, telling so many stories of them. Afterward I went up to her and thanked her for doing that. It is so important to the family to hear how their child/sibling impacted other lives and how he/she lived when not with them. I treasure the stories of my son that I was told after his death. They are so important…

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By: Tamara http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-641069 Tamara Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:28:36 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-641069 I had two brothers die during my teen years. Granted I was a very quiet and private person, but not a friend or teacher or school counselor acknowledged their deaths. Simply acknowledging the death of a loved one even if you feel awkward and don’t know what to say, would be better than silence.

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By: Sunny Day http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-638391 Sunny Day Tue, 20 Aug 2013 10:14:41 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-638391 Thank you! I hope we have!

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By: Mika http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-637335 Mika Tue, 20 Aug 2013 06:37:50 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-637335 This is exactly how I feel after my son’s death. I love when people just say “I wish I knew what to say or how to make it better, but I have no idea…” because I have no idea, either.

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By: Mika http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-637325 Mika Tue, 20 Aug 2013 06:35:02 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-637325 My son Christian died at birth a few months ago, and it’s been hard to interact with people when so often they seem to ignore his death. I know it’s awkward – I’ve been on the other side, too, and felt it was somehow best to not address the subject. I have a friend who asks me specific questions, like “What is it like hearing that others are expecting?” or “Have you felt like you’re a different mother to your older children now?” I love talking to her, because her questions are thought-provoking – and I know she has put thought into them as well. I don’t like the uncertain “How are you doing…?” moments, partly because it’s hard to really know how I’m doing and partly because the question comes off as insincere.

My favorite thing is when people ask about Christian by name. Even if all they say is “I’m so sorry about Christian; I wish I knew how to make things better,” I appreciate the concern and the acknowledgment.

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By: Brieanne http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-637049 Brieanne Tue, 20 Aug 2013 05:43:48 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-637049 I lost a very close friend in college a few years ago, and I found people were so afraid to say the wrong thing that they said nothing, and that was the worst. I needed to talk and grieve and be noticed, but instead I sort of floated under the radar. The only person who head-on acknowledged it (without me having a complete breakdown in front of them first) was a dear friend who had lost a sister a few years before. She gave a card with loving and encouraging words, and then told me she was there to talk or not talk, whatever I needed. She also instituted weekly frozen yogurt runs as a study break for the rest of the quarter.

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By: Amy Hackworth http://www.designmom.com/2013/08/supporting-friends-whove-lost-children/comment-page-1/#comment-636961 Amy Hackworth Tue, 20 Aug 2013 05:25:41 +0000 http://www.designmom.com/?p=39862#comment-636961 Oh, Kristina, I will remember your advice. We’d just tucked our boys into bed for the night when I read your comment and my husband went right down the hall to give them that extra hug. This was so powerful: “There is no grief like losing a child…it defies the natural order of life and causes a tsunami of emotions unlike any ever imagined. A nightmare…suddenly, we became “that family” who represents that nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing.”

Love to you.

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