Things We’ve Said to Our Kids

March 20, 2012

Nathan Ripperger says things to his kids, and then turns his words into posters. They’re so spot-on they make me giggle! Have you ever said something to your kids and then realized how ridiculous it sounds? Please share! I love hearing stuff like that.

Thanks to Design Taxi for introducing me to Nathan’s work.


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{ 139 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Sara March 20, 2012 at 8:49 am

This past November, shortly after Halloween, I did find myself saying, “Honey, let’s not eat candy that’s fallen into the toilet.” Not. Even. Kidding. (sigh)

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2 Design Mom March 20, 2012 at 10:37 am

That is fantastic!

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3 SEC March 20, 2012 at 8:49 am

Ha! These are great. My recent favorite from our house is “No lightsabers at the dinner table.”

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4 Meggan March 20, 2012 at 8:55 am

This one actually just happened. Twice.

“Stop drinking my contact solution! It’s not a beverage!”

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5 Erin @ Out on A Limb... March 20, 2012 at 9:15 am

These are great! I caught how ridiculous I sounded last week when I told my son, “Play nicely with that sword. No stabbing or cutting anyone!” I was met with a confused stare until he replied, “what else can you do with a sword?”

He had a point…

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6 everton terrace March 20, 2012 at 9:27 am

Oh I am cracking up – even the comments have me going. I love Sara’s! Love it.

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7 brooke March 20, 2012 at 9:27 am

If you find something and do not know what it is, do not stick your fingers in it.

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8 karey m. March 20, 2012 at 9:47 am

there was a period of time when i had to tell esme {a lot} “we don’t ask if him’s a man or a lady!”

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9 Chels March 20, 2012 at 9:52 am

Ha ha! These are great!

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10 jenny March 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

i love this. that is all.
thanks for sharing! :D

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11 Janelle March 20, 2012 at 10:06 am

SHUT UP! Nathan is a friend of mine from college! We were both media studies students. There are some hilarious videos floating out there in YouTube land from that time…one involving a pudding balloon.

This just made my day to open up one of my favorite blogs and see an old friend highlighted.

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12 Design Mom March 20, 2012 at 10:38 am

How fun, Janelle!

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13 Amy of "famed" pregnantchicken.com March 20, 2012 at 10:08 am

What a great idea! I’ve done that very thing with a twitter feed to keep track of the gems I’ve said. My favourite so far is “We don’t waste bacon in this house!”
https://twitter.com/#!/isaytomykids

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14 robin March 20, 2012 at 10:48 am

love! on the bacon note one of my son’s gems is when he was about 5 a woman walked by him wearing too much perfume. He asked his father why she smelled so much and my husband explained that women like to smell nice. His response “well then she should have rubbed bacon on herself, EVERYTHING is better with bacon”

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15 Christine March 20, 2012 at 11:06 am

Laughing out loud at this!

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16 Melissa March 20, 2012 at 9:08 pm

lol! I especially love the ones about poo…gives me something to look forward to with potty training.

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17 Jen E @ mommablogsalot March 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

YES! The other day I witnessed a good one – “Don’t stab the neighbors!” hehe the boys (my son and hers) were “sword fighting” through the fence and I almost got impaled! The things you never think you’ll hear yourself say!

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18 Design Mom March 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

Love that!

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19 sarah March 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

oh my. i say lots of crazy stuff. for instance, after two year old flushes our potty, he likes to hang on it and yell, “YES!” i say, “don’t hang on the potty after you flush.”

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20 Wendy March 20, 2012 at 10:19 am

My all-time favorite which I uttered while having dinner on our back porch: “We do not throw tuna at spiders!”

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21 Design Mom March 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

Definitely poster worthy!

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22 Amy of "famed" pregnantchicken.com March 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

Oh that one is priceless!

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23 sarah March 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

Here’s two:
“When Mom says, ‘no,’ she means ‘NO!’”
And-
“You will go and you WILL have fun.”
Can we really force a child to have fun??????

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24 JoAnn March 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

I once said, “Stop biting your brother’s eyebrows.”

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25 Ren Lady Of The Arts March 20, 2012 at 10:37 am

Oh I have definitely said the first two before!

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26 Design Mom March 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

Oh my goodness! You guys are cracking me up!!

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27 Sarah March 20, 2012 at 10:43 am

“Ham is not a bandaid, lets not put ham on our knees.”

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28 Sarah March 20, 2012 at 10:44 am

“Ok, you can wear the cowboy hat and feather boa in the car but NOT when we get to church.”

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29 Krissy March 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

I must know: does he sell his work? Because these are priceless. (And infinitely relatable.)

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30 Nathan Ripperger March 28, 2012 at 3:14 pm

These are available for purchase on my new Etsy store. I’ve decided I needed to open one after you and so many others have asked about them.

Thanks!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/nripperger

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31 Jessica March 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

“Please don’t draw on the fridge with cheese!”

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32 Michele April 25, 2013 at 6:31 pm

I say this at least once a day! Nothing like cheese art all over the windows.

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33 Christine March 20, 2012 at 11:08 am

I love this. My baby is too young for quotes, but when I get there I’m now inspired to keep a list.

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34 Jacy March 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

I love this!!!

In the dressing room at TJ Maxx….

Little Dude with his resonating voice: WOW! Mommy, you have a really jiggly bum!

Me: Shhhh… buddy…. Not so loud!

:)

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35 Jacy March 20, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Apparently I was a little preoccupied/ distracted when I wrote this earlier today because I wrote what my son said… not what I’ve said to my son… and there is no way I can let it go without redeeming myself so, let me try this again haha!

“For the third time son, the ball in your private part is NOT a toy, and NO we can’t cut it out with screw driver! I’m sorry, it’s just the way it is sometimes!”

Phew. I think I nailed it this time… ☺

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36 Kim March 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Jacy, both of these are hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

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37 Jacy March 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Haha! Thanks Kim! This whole post is killing me ;)

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38 Julie March 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

This is so funny! It makes me think of what my husband said to our 2 year old the other night: “You can have more salad when you eat your chicken nuggets.”

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39 Mark March 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

“My nose is not hippo food”

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40 Allison B March 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

“please don’t put your dirty underwear on the baby’s head”

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41 Jen H March 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

To my 11 mo old: “we don’t put the doggy’s toy in our mouths because doggy eats poop.”

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42 Melissa March 20, 2012 at 11:45 am

During bath time: Pardon? I can’t understand you with that octopus in your mouth.

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43 Petra March 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

is that poop or chocolate on your pants? (i was worried about the answer since there was a little of that on my hand as well!) :)

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44 miggy March 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Ha! I just had one of these moments the other day….

“I’m going to take your arm off if you hit your sister one more time!”

We were in the grocery store. I’m not sure who saw/heard.

My daughter has a prosthetic arm. Fo’ reals, those things are weapons when used improperly.

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45 the emily March 20, 2012 at 4:51 pm

This has me ROLLING! So funny!

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46 Anne March 21, 2012 at 8:19 am

This is soooo classic! I can’t stop picturing the face of the person in the next isle when you come around the corner!! Haha

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47 Wendy March 21, 2012 at 8:52 am

I can’t stop laughing!!

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48 Kim March 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Tears falling… OMG, make it stop!!!!

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49 Kate Coates March 26, 2012 at 7:43 pm

You totally win, Miggy! HilARious! :)

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50 Patti March 24, 2013 at 8:37 pm

My husband and I are both crying laughing at this! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! LOL

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51 Noemi@GetFreeBabyCoupons.com March 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

My favorite is:
“One of these days you’re going to have a kid just… like… you!” :))

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52 Jen March 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

“We don’t bite our friends”

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53 Krystle @ Color Transformed Family March 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I loved reading all the comments. It’s crazy the type rules that have to be laid out for little ones. And the amusement we get from it.

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54 samantha March 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I had to tell my 3 yo son to “Stop getting into my make up…. and keep your hands out of your butt”

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55 sonya @ lil'soak + friends March 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

that’s pretty awesome. I like the building a fort in church. hilarious. I think mine is “you have your own belly button, touch your own! stop touching mine!”

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56 amy c March 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm

These are hilarious as are the comments! Oh my gosh you could make a bunch of prints from this stuff. :) I know we’ve had a bunch of quotes at our house but I’m laughing too hard to remember. Haha!

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57 Alycia (Crowley Party) March 20, 2012 at 2:23 pm

hahaha I don’t have kids yet, but I am loving this! I think my mom may have mentioned the not licking one to me a time or two :)

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58 Abby K March 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I just laughed until I cried! Sarah – love the cowboy hat & boa at church. I’m a behavior therapist so I’m not sure if these count since they are not technically my children but here are some of my favorites.

“We do puzzles with our fingers, not our elbows, first take your fingers out of your nose then do the puzzle.”

“Stop licking the mirror.”

“No Sweetie, tap dancing and eating chicken noodle soup do not go together.”

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59 Samantha March 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Bahahahahaha these are hilarious, I am now going to write down the hilarious things I say so I can remember them. Thank you!!!

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60 Holli March 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Mt husband: “You can have more fruit after you finish your pizza.”

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61 Tiah B March 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

“Get your butt out of your brother’s face” is said weekly at my house.

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62 Katie March 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

“Well you should’ve thought of that BEFORE you put duct tape on your penis.”

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63 Wendy March 21, 2012 at 8:55 am

Fabulous!!! You’d think you wouldn’t have to say that one until college!

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64 Erin S March 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

“We don’t take our clothes off at our friends house….it’s not polite.”

“No barking”

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65 the emily March 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm

That first one, with the underwear, is a daily occurrence around here. Along with lots of other not-wearing-underwear things. But my favorite is “You have to finish your french fries and soda before you can have ice cream.”

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66 rae March 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

dying over the post and all the comments. i have to say, motherhood is the best. what other adult job allows you to say such silly things. wish i could think of a good one to add! xo . rae

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67 Maricris @ SittingAround March 20, 2012 at 5:18 pm

“Stop hitting the frog, or else it will turned into giant frog and it will hit you back”

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68 Adventures In Babywearing March 20, 2012 at 5:21 pm

In pretty much any public place, most recently at the movie theatre : “Stop putting your hand down my shirt!” Said to my SIX YEAR OLD. I did breastfeed him far too long… :)

Steph

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69 Kate Coveny Hood March 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I think my personal best was, “naked people stay inside!”

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70 Liz Underhay March 25, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Spot on!
too funny!

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71 Lauren March 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Honey, we do not suck milk out of the carpet.

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72 elisabeth March 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

“No, no Luke. Hit Sadie softly please.”

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73 Heather March 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

If you keep eating your boogers then that’s all you’re having for dessert!

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74 Heather R March 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Quit putting your snot in your brother’s mouth. Eat your OWN snot!

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75 Heather March 20, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Great post! I overheard a mom in a store recently say “Oh honey, you’re not Irish, you were just born on St. Patrick’s Day.” I’m still cracking up at that one.

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76 sara m March 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

My recent faves are,
“DO NOT put your shark in the applesauce.”
and
“Ask Matthew if you can borrow his chainsaw. Before you turn it on.”

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77 Alana March 20, 2012 at 7:15 pm

She is not a Sith Lord, she is your sister.

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78 Deirdre March 20, 2012 at 7:26 pm

What a genius he is!
There have been similar Star Wars themed ones as some of the above at my house recently but none I can really quote. Best thing I can think of was on Christmas when my boys were playing with one’s new Zombie Pirate set and I said, “Let your brother do some shooting.”

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79 B. March 20, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I’m not a mother yet but I’ve worked in daycares and as a nanny for 10+ years and I the the most recurring statement out of my mouth would be “I am NOT a tissue!”

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80 Sharon Johnson March 23, 2012 at 10:53 pm

but B.! When you become a mom you WILL be a tissue!! It is totally different when it is your own kids boogers. :)

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81 Jaime March 20, 2012 at 7:54 pm

My 3 year old is suddenly obsessed with all things poop related and wants to talk about it ALL DAY. Many, many times a day I say ‘No, we don’t eat poop!’

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82 Zina March 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm

“We do not tie any thing to any part of anyone’s body.”

“We do not use Unforgivable Curses in this house.”

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83 Jackie K March 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

“Buddy, my nipple is NOT a doorbell.”

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84 Teachersf March 20, 2012 at 8:18 pm

My kids are very oral and I spend a lot of time saying “stop licking the wall, your sister, your sleeves etc.” The best one was the other day when I told my son –

“Stop licking your fingers. They are dirty!” He responded “No they aren’t! I just washed them because I was picking my butt. “

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85 Heather March 20, 2012 at 8:27 pm

This is priceless! I think “Don’t stab the neighbors” is my favorite. My most recent was “We don’t slap penises in this house,” during bath time of course.

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86 miggy March 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

“We don’t slap penises in this house!”

DYING.

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87 Jennifer Hassell March 20, 2012 at 8:45 pm

I’m always amazed at myself when this comes out:

To child 1: “Don’t hit your sister!” and to child 2: “Oh stop crying, she didn’t hit you that hard.”

Or the ridiculous empty threat of: “If you keep that up, I’m going to keep you home from school tomorrow!”

Or the sleep deprived nonsense Yogi Berra-like statements like ” If you don’t finish your dinner, I’m going to take it away.”

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88 Melissa March 20, 2012 at 8:55 pm

ha! love all of these! Just today I had to tell my daughter “that’s your fork, not a comb!”

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89 Amanda March 24, 2013 at 8:34 pm

It’s actually a dinglehopper if used in that manner.

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90 Jen March 20, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Several years ago we were at a SYTYCD tour show and in the public restroom (during the performance, just 2 other women were in there so it was very quiet). My then three-year-old daughter asked loudly, “Mom, why do you have GRASS down there?” While washing hands at the sink after flushing, I nervously glanced down the counter where the other two women were laughing their heads off silently, so as not to add to the offense!

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91 Kira March 20, 2012 at 9:08 pm

One I recall saying today is “stop eating the phone book!”

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92 Trish March 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm

I have to constantly tell my 4 year old daughter to put her glasses on. So, she goes, ” I know mom! I am not blind!” Not yet you aren’t but if don’t where them you will be!

My 3 year old son is in that stage where he has to talk about his penis! So, he makes up songs and I find myself singing them. “Wash your butt, wash your penis!” When he is in the bath of course.
Then to my 4 year old, “get your hands out of your pants!” Put your underwear on! Do you do that at school?” Get your finger out of your nose, don’t lick your knee!” I don’t know what it is with licking but she does it all the time. The best is when she will look at herself in the mirror and then start to lick it!!! No, we don’t lick ourselves! I could go on and on. And then when her dad gets home, oh, he has some good ones. He is a hockey fan, and says things that he shouldn’t around the kids, and then the kids repeat them to me. So one day, I am changing my three year old yet again, and he says to me, “take it deep mom!!!” I about died and told my husband and he says, “you don’t say that to your mother!!!” My kids are my life. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom and one thing is for sure, we laugh every day! I will end it here….LOL!

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93 raeann March 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

since my sis gave up the internet for lent, i’ll have to tell her story:

the niece has an obsession with putting things in her mouth, and she has a stuffed jesus doll, thus: “please take jesus out of your mouth”.

she blogs at theiowafarmerswife.blogspot.com

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94 Kayla March 20, 2012 at 9:55 pm

“We do not put our boogers on the fridge.”

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95 Sharon Fischel March 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

“No, Max, you may NOT put your boggies in my tea!”

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96 Sharon Fischel March 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Ugh “Boogies, not boggies”

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97 Greta March 20, 2012 at 10:46 pm

“Your mother is not a popsicle!” (Stop licking me!)

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98 Polly March 21, 2012 at 3:10 am

Haha that is hilarious! And so true. What a great idea. x

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99 Damaris March 21, 2012 at 8:11 am

I’ve said more than just once, “stop licking the outlets”

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100 Asha March 21, 2012 at 8:46 am

These made my roar with laughter! I have to start writing my comments down! But two things that are said by me at least 30 times a day is:
“get your hands out of your pants”
and
“get your mouth off that”
“get your head out of my shirt” usually in public
“no belly in public” my DD has to ‘feel’ my belly all the time (for comfort)
I know, not too original or funny so I’ll have to write them down as they are said.

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101 trisha dee dee March 21, 2012 at 12:09 pm

i was just now looking for the right place to put last night’s quotes.
my 16 son.”Mom this is not a nightclub!”
my 12 daughter. “Breasts are funny, especially when they are accidental!

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102 Melissa March 21, 2012 at 12:30 pm

This is a whole conversation of absurdity that I just had with my 3 year old son:

My son: Do giraffes have bums?
Me: Yes, giraffes have bums.
My son: (bites his stuffed giraffe)
Me: Liam, don’t bite the giraffe’s bum.
My son: Why?!?
Me: Oh, Buddy, there are *so* many reasons why we don’t bite bums…

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103 Kim March 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm

After *much* frustration when my daughter (then 5) had continually squeezed a stuffed animal’s foot to make it laugh histerically (cute at first, not so much after 582 times), I could be heard saying, “Shut the duck up and sit down and eat your dinner!”

There was a slight pause, and then an eruption of laughter as we all figured out what it sounded like. I felt like a horrible parent! And the youngest ones just sat there wondering why everyone was laughing.

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104 Kelsey Graybill March 29, 2012 at 6:52 pm

tears streaming down my face! so funny!!!

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105 Alana April 1, 2012 at 9:56 am

I can’t stop crying I’m laughing so hard. Especially thinking about your five year old’s expression.

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106 KatieJ March 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

“No french fries till you eat your chicken nuggets!” (as if one was more “healthy” than the other!)
also the classic hypocritical parent: “Don’t hit or I’ll spank you!”
and finally “That’s not funny!” when it usually totally is but I’m just not in the mood for silliness :-)

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107 Serena from Italy March 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I don’t know if it has the same effect in english, but today it happened to me to tell this to my 5yo daughter: “Wake up, it’s time to go to sleep”… in italian “wake up” also means “hurry up”, or “get ready”, but when I heard myself telling this I felt stupid… :)

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108 Janelle March 21, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I can’t wait to show my husband this when he comes home. Here’s a goldie oldie from my mother:

A little girl was being loud and noisy in class at church. My mom took her into the hall and said “you can’t go back in until you’re reverent.”

Little girl responds “but my shoes are in there!”

Mom, “your shoes are reverent, they’re in class.”

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109 Colleen March 21, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I love these. One of my family classics is “Come on smell under my fingernails!”

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110 jewelfyre March 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm

When my kids were between the ages of 5-10 (4 of them) I would tell them “I cant wait til you grow up and have houses of your own!! Im going to come visit and jump on your beds, flick boogers at your walls, and lick every window in your house!!” The first time I said that my oldest daughter just stared at me, then flounced away almost in tears.She yelled back at me, “Im NEVER! inviting you to my house. NEVER!” Now that the youngest is 12 its a standard saying in the house. Usually one of them will purposely do something,like lick a window right in front of me and then just stare at me, waiting for me to say it! Ahhh, tradition,lol.

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111 CF March 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Recently in my house as I carried my 19 month old (him giggling), “stop squeezing my boob, it’s not a toy!”

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112 Jennifer March 22, 2012 at 12:16 am

We don’t decorate with unraveled scrubbies! What? you were having a party in your sisters crib?
Don’t jump on the couch you will break your head off!
No we don’t put sucker sticks in the screw holes in the livingroom wall.
Daddy can’t take kitty to work in his van just because uncle takes his dog around in the back of his truck.
If you hit your sister again I will spank you.

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113 amy March 22, 2012 at 12:40 am

When we were pregnant with our first we were watching a birthing show on Tv with my mother. When a woman on the show pudly announced she was witnessing the birth of her eighteenth grandchild we asked my mother what her response would be in that situation. Just as my teenage brother was coming into the room she yelled “everybody gets vasectomies for Christmas! ” the look on his face was priceless!

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114 Asha March 22, 2012 at 6:25 am

I knew I made comments like these all day long but couldn’t think of any on demand. So here’s mine from last night when we all went outside with glow sticks to look at the stars in the sky.
I said to my son:
“Stop poking my butt with your glowstick or I’m taking it away!”

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115 Debbie March 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

I made the mistake of reading these while in a somber waiting room at the hospital…I started giggling uncontrollably and had to leave. Hilarious! And brightened my morning for sure (brings back memories too-I’ll have to think of some from my little kid days)

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116 Cortnie March 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I love these!! Especially the “don’t lick my arm” one!

xo
cortnie

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117 Marie March 23, 2012 at 7:28 am

Last night at dinner: You have broccoli in your eye.

A couple of years ago my frustrated husband said this to our ADHD-addled 3 year old son: Stop acting like a child!

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118 Brittney March 23, 2012 at 9:56 am

(Regarding a minion on “Despicable Me”)–”That’s just way he is. Some people only have one eye.”

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119 Jane March 23, 2012 at 10:41 pm

“You can’t marry daddy because mommy is already married to him.” That seemed like the simplest explanation.

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120 Meredith W. March 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

“Stop beating your brother with your Bible.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me. Just put your boogers in my pocket.” (I seriously need to get tissues because I say that one a lot.)
“You can’t have any more carrots until you eat something with fat.” (also said about every other day)

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121 Sarah March 25, 2012 at 8:21 am

“No, sweetie, kitties can’t use sippy cups.”

And during diaper changes:
“Go walk around and air out your booty.”

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122 Jennifer March 25, 2012 at 11:24 am

One I wind up saying a lot is, “stop double picking your nose, that’s weird.”

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123 amanda March 26, 2012 at 2:22 pm

If it’s under skin it doesn’t come out.
Another classic is “I don’t care if he thinks it’s funny, you can’t ” whatever they are trying to do to the youngest.
“did your brain fall out? Then you’ll survive.”

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124 Always a Mom March 26, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Although my girls are now grown, my first daughter was very precocious. When she was only 2-1/2, I asked if she wanted more vegetables and she replied, “No, perhaps later.” Who says “perhaps”?

Another time I asked her about an incident, and she replied, “Oh Mom, it must be your imagination!”

Out of the mouths of babes. . . .

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125 Kate Coates March 26, 2012 at 7:58 pm

“STOP YELLING!”

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126 Jenn March 26, 2012 at 10:00 pm

“Son, there’s a pickle on your collar”

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