March 2010

This isn’t my birth story but a letter I wrote to our daughter Daphne a month before she was born:

Daphne. I really can’t wait to meet you. I have been feeling you move inside of me for the past 5 months and I feel like I know you. I do know you, you are our first daughter. Our first child. Every time I feel you kick or move, I say in my head “I love you too.” It is crazy to think how much I can love you without ever seeing or touching you. I just know you are going to be awesome. I love arranging your clothes and thinking about you in them. In my mind, you have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, a lot like me I guess. But, you are a lot like your dad too — slender build, a great smile and like both of us, you’re short :) We’ll see how true my visions of you are once you grow up a bit.

It’s hard for me to imagine all that will change when you finally arrive. Its hard to imagine what things will stay the same. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. It is nerve racking, but the most exciting thing that has happened in our lives at the same time. I want you to know, and never forget, that we wanted a baby. We wanted our lives to be changed and altered by you. Before we got married, we thought we didn’t want to have kids for 5 years. I even made a bet with your Aunt Danielle and paid her $50 when I got pregnant. :) But, something inside of me changed. I didn’t have the same selfish desires. I wanted a baby to share in our happy family. I wanted you. So, 9 months after we got married we decided to have a baby and quickly after our decision, I was pregnant.

I meant to write down my feelings on the day I found out I was pregnant with you — but i didn’t. But, it felt pretty much the same as the feelings I am having now, as we come closer to your arrival: apprehensive, excited, nervous and overjoyed. We feel so blessed to have gotten pregnant fast and to have had a healthy pregnancy. It hasn’t always been easy being pregnant, but at the same time it feels so good knowing I am doing something beyond myself —we are partnering with God to create a body for your Spirit to dwell in. Now, we are just anxiously awaiting your birth. To see you, hold you and smell your good newborn smell. I am so thrilled to have you in our family. Love, Mom.

From Kirsten Bingham of evapaul design.

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Note from Design Mom: for the duration of my pregnancy, I’ll be posting advice, memories and stories about pregnancy, childbirth, adoption and growing a family on Wednesdays. You can find them all by clicking here. I’d love to hear your story or memory or advice, feel free to submit it to gabrielle@designmom.com.

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image via Design Crush, via baumich

It came as no surprise to me when I struggled with infertility. After a few months of trying for pregnancy the conventional way, I visited a doctor. I submitted to a series of medical tests, gave the doctors plenty of my blood, and had ultrasound upon ultrasound. After all the tests came to an end, the conclusion was as expected: I rarely, if ever, ovulated. While most women have about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month, my numbers were more like 20% each year. At that rate, if I was lucky, I could possibly have 1 or 2 children by the time my child-bearing years came to a close. Or, I could have none. Percentages just work like that sometimes.

First things first, I started on Clomid. After several attempts and increased dosages, this was ruled ineffective. The failure of Clomid was unfortunate. It was, far and away, the cheapest way for me to get pregnant. The next option was injectable drugs combined with artificial insemination (think turkey-baster) – fairly inexpensive, with a 10% chance of success.  I was skeptical of this option, as it often produced more than 2 eggs. And with more than 2 eggs, you sometimes get more than 2 babies. That was not a risk I felt comfortable taking.

We decided instead to try invitro-fertilization (IVF). And the next few months are part of what I now see as a comedy of errors. While not so funny at the time, each month brought a different problem – a problem that certainly didn’t end with a pregnancy.  My 3 day business trip – the only business trip I had in a year’s time- fell exactly during the time I had to be in town. The next month, the way I mangled the instructions for the injections certainly helped put my ego in check. Then I had to be out of town for my brother’s wedding. Finally, in January 2008, the pieces came together. I figured out how to follow instructions and appropriately injected the medication. My body finally got the combination of hormones it needed to produce some viable eggs. And produce it did. I went in to the doctor to have my eggs removed, and 36 eggs later, I was ready to go home.

Not all the eggs were good quality, but after 5 days I had 6 healthy, strong embryos waiting to turn into cute little babies. I went back to the doctor to have one of those embryos implanted into my uterus. I lay down on the table, just minutes away from the moment I’d been waiting for. My chance at pregnancy. The nurse began with an ultrasound; she gave me a worried look and left the room. She returned with a doctor. He looked at the ultrasound and repeated her look of concern. He then told me that they would be unable to perform the implantation that day. I’d developed ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). Instantly, I was overcome with sadness.  I knew that OHSS could, in some cases, be fatal in pregnant women, but I really didn’t care. I thought to myself, “I don’t care if I have to be hospitalized, PUT THAT BABY IN ME.” But I didn’t say that out loud. I knew the doctor and my husband would not allow such a risk to be taken. I slowly trudged back to the car. My time would come. Hopefully.

My six embryos were placed in the freezer. I only had one more month to try before fall, as Joel and I were spending our summer in Michigan. I was going to be out of the country for one week during the month of opportunity, but as long as I had my medication with me, that week in Mexico wouldn’t cause a problem. I confirmed with my nurse that the prescriptions were into the pharmacy, and the day before getting on the plane, I went to pick them up. Just as I should have suspected, the pharmacy had no record of my prescriptions, and my doctor’s office was closed. I called every other pharmacy I could think of. Nothing. My only hope now was that a pharmacy in Mexico would carry the drugs – and in Mexico, you don’t need a prescription. Random fertility drug carried by a Mexican pharmacy? Not my luck.

Somehow, my body actually did what it is supposed to do, and I managed without the drugs (this has never happened since). A few weeks later, a thawed embryo was placed inside me. Two weeks after that, my amazing nurse Chris called me with the news that I was pregnant. I was shocked. Thrilled, full of joy, giddy, but still, shocked.

2 years and 4 months after our first attempt, and 1 year and 8 months after first engaging the miracle of science, a baby started to grow within me. A miracle indeed.

From Kristy Williams.

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Note from Design Mom: for the duration of my pregnancy, I’ll be posting advice, memories and stories about pregnancy, childbirth, adoption and growing a family on Wednesdays. You can find them all by clicking here. I’d love to hear your story or memory or advice, feel free to submit it to gabrielle@designmom.com.

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