Ask-Design-Mom-Questions:
I have a strong yearning for another child and am looking for an infallible way to decide whether to take the plunge (just joking, I know it’s a leap of faith, but am looking for advice from people who might know about these things). What factors would do you take into consideration upon deciding whether to have another child? Thanks for taking the time to answer. — Sarah
Hi Gabrielle. I would like to have a big family as well. I’m married almost 2 years and we are looking to start our family in a year or so. A few questions: How far apart are your children in age? Did you plan to have so many children? Did you plan to have them x amount of years apart? Thanks. — Venessa
Design Mom Answer: These are such worthy questions. Thank you for sending them, Sarah and Venessa. The answer to how many kids you should have and how they should be spaced is, of course, super personal. And everyone reading has a different opinion and answer.
I’ll share what my basic plan was. And hopefully readers will let you know how they’ve come to their family-size decisions as well. I need to make very clear: this was our plan. I’m not advocating it to anyone else. Period.
When I married at 21, I talked with Ben Blair about a basic plan. We both came from big families and wanted lots of kids. I wanted to be done bearing children by 35 — the age many risks increase. (Edit: apparently 35-as-riskier is a bit of a myth — but I didn’t know that at 21.) So I thought: let’s have our 1st at 23 (when we’re done with school) and then have one every other year at 25, 27, 29, 31. And if we want more, we can have #6 at 33 and #7 at 35. Done and done.
How it really happened: we had our first at 23, our 2nd at 24, our 3rd at 27, our 4th at 30 and 5th at 31. Number 6 is due when I’m 35.
Basically, as soon as we made the plan we discovered we had no control over the plan. Very few of us are lucky enough to conceive or adopt exactly when and where we want to. And very few of us have such an ordered life and are wise enough that the plans we make at 21 still make sense at 31.
Bottom line: feel free to make a plan, but get really comfortable with the idea that the plan might not work. Some people (including me) find praying helps them feel settled about the decisions they make for their family. Others depend on counsel from friends and loved ones. Ultimately, I hope you’ll feel confident that you can know what’s best for your family.
Dear Readers, how about you? How many kids do you want to have? Are you done? How do you decide when to add more children to your families?
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I stumbled upon this and am fascinated by everyone’s reply. I am now 56 years old and these stories bumped me back to my early twenties as we were contemplating all this. I had my first when I was 21, as planned, was nursing him and feeling VERY tired. Found out I got pregnant with #2 and didn’t know it until I was 4 months along. Was devastated b/c I was so sick with #1. Didn’t get sick once, delivered #2 when #1 was 14 months. I then went on to wait 3 years in between the
next two, then 6 years went by and had #5. B/c #1 and #2 were so close, I never ever had whiny kids. They entertained each other. I never had bored kids hanging on my legs wanting me to do something with them. They also learned all the important life lessons because we were poor and had to share and we couldn’t afford two cars. All five have turned out to be Wonderful adults. The oldest two have 3 master’s degrees between them. The third is in med school. The fourth is working on a second college degree and the fifth is in her Senior year in college. They love getting together. Everywhere we went was an adventure, even though the fighting drove me crazy. They grew out of it. One of my sons loved coming from a large family so much that he and his wife have 7. They PLANNED on six, but #6 turned out to be twin boys. They are such a joy to me. I wish families would go back to they were like in the 50′s when I was young and have 8 – 10 children. You would have no “entitlement” attitude and they’d be smarter from all the problem-solving. Just a rant from a 56 year old. Thanks
I always thought I would have 3 kids, then I had 1. I had a pretty rough pregnancy (to say the least) and my baby arrived 2 months early. Due to insurance, etc… we’ve not had another. Now my daughter is 5 and I’m at a place where starting over doesn’t seem like something I want to do. Also we still have the same insurance issues (ie no one will ensure me for a pregnancy due to all my trouble w/ my last one) so I really feel like the choice to have another has been taken out of my hands. Thankfully God is so good and I am happy with where we’re at.
31, almost 32 and single…I want to be married and have lots of babies but that has yet to happen…I’m confident that, as many have mentioned, Our Heavenly Father has a perfect plan of happiness for each of us! Children truly are ‘an heritage of the Lord!’. As I hope for, wait for, and do my par; I trust in the Lord. I have the awesome opportunity to develop talents, be the best aunt to my nieces and nephews, and enjoy my career as a school teacher-teaching kiddoes now for ten years! Life is Good!
Do my ‘part’ that is…not ‘par’
How can I talk to my husband about having another child? we have one already and planned on waiting a few years for the second. i was more then fine with that until i had a miscarriage a few months back. I didn’t realize how bad i wanted a second one until it was gone. now every time i bring up, or even mention having another one, he completely flips out and gets really pissed off. it’s not like we can’t afford it, and we have great health care, how can i even talk to him about this with out getting him so mad?