Baby Zee — by Guest Mom Mrs. Dub

October 29, 2008



As I mentioned in my intro, I prematurely delivered a daughter in February, who passed away momentarily due to a chromosome abnormality. Her death was not a surprise. A couple months into my pregnancy I began to experience extreme pain, bleeding and nausea. Early ultrasounds suggested the baby was fine. At my 17-week appointment, however, an ultrasound showed cystic masses in my placenta and swelling on the baby’s brain. An amniocentesis confirmed our worst fears: I was suffering from a partial molar pregnancy, caused by a (very) bad egg. As a result, Baby Zee had an extra set of chromosomes and would pass away during pregnancy or soon after birth.

It was devastating, of course, but in a way it was very peaceful. It was a beautiful experience to know that I had been chosen to carry a unique soul. My only mission as her mother would be to give her a body, share my love and send her home. I was honored, and I was distraught.

Our doctors offered termination due to increased health risks, but that didn’t feel right for us. Waiting for her die in utero was unbearable, but sending her away wasn’t any better. After much prayer and contemplation, we decided to carry her as long as she would let me. Within minutes of that decision, I was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with preeclampsia. I would have to be induced to save my life, even though I was only 19 weeks along.

The doctors recommended a surgical removal, but Baby Zee asked for a traditional chance at life. They induced me in the early morning hours on February 4. Within hours, I began to hemorrhage severely. Ultimately, I received an emergency C-section and blood transfusion. My life was spared, as was Zee’s. While I lay under anesthesia, Zee slipped away after taking a few shallow breaths. She lived.

The weeks that followed were bittersweet. I was empowered by my birth experience and thrilled to have pictures and mementos of my tiny little girl. At only six ounces, she fit in the palm of my hand, but all her miniature parts were perfect.

Since then, I’ve had many hard days. I feel sad others can’t understand the loss of an unborn child. I feel sad that I don’t have a 4-month-old baby to nurture at home. I feel frustrated that the pregnancy has caused ongoing health problems that keep me from trying again. But mostly I feel joy that I got to be her mother.

While most people have been understanding, some are so uncomfortable that I have to comfort them so they don’t feel awkward. I don’t mind doing it, but I know other people in my situation who are too fragile to bear that added burden. As a result, I’d like to share a few tips for someone who is mourning, especially the loss of an infant or unborn child:

1) Don’t judge – Every situation is different. Don’t speculate on what might have caused the death. Don’t hypothesize why it happened to that particular person. Don’t criticize them for how they decided to handle their medical care, funerals, etc. And never, ever critique their grief, even if you think they are overreacting. The only way to get better is to get all the hurting out. For some people, this takes a lifetime.

2) Don’t minimize their loss – Don’t tell them it was meant to be. Don’t tell them to appreciate what they have. Don’t tell them they are strong enough to handle it. Just listen. You don’t have to make it better, because no words will change what happened. Just be supportive, sympathetic and available.

3) Don’t avoid the subject – In the two weeks between diagnosis and delivery, my every thought was consumed by Zee; yet, many people who knew our situation didn’t bring it up. I’m sure they thought I didn’t want to talk about it, but they were wrong. I did, and I still do. Talking about Zee validates her existence. I love every opportunity I get to share her special life.

4) Do show your love – Call, visit, mail a card, send a gift. Showing you care about our pain makes it hurt less. One of the best cards I received simply said, “I don’t know what you are going through, but I do know this: you have always seemed like a happy person, so it hurts me to know you are suffering.”

5) Do read about it – Knowing about their situation will help you understand them better. In my case, a partial molar pregnancy put me at risk to develop placental cancer. I had to get weekly blood draws to ensure I wasn’t growing malignant masses. Most people assumed I was better, but close friends continued to check on my health.

Enough lecturing! How about some pretty things? Following Zee’s birth, I received a tremendous amount of cards and packages. One friend sent me candy, magazines and some cozy pajamas. (Perfect.) Another friend sent me a gorgeous gold necklace from Anthropologie adorned with the word “February” and a small amethyst. My sister made me a stamped necklace with both my daughters’ names and a birth announcement for our memory box.

Here are some other bereavement gifts ideas:

1) A box – Most hospitals provide a free box for mementos, but it’s usually flimsy. A special box, like these padded leather ones by Inside Avenue, is a great way to hold all the pictures, kind notes and memories of their little one. Our memory box for Zee is pictured at the top of this post.

2) A blanket – If you know someone who is expecting infant loss, a small blanket like this mini lovey from Yatoil’s Esty shop is a perfect gift. They can use the blanket to hold the baby after birth, then save it as a keepsake or include it in the burial services.

3) A necklace – Most mourning moms want a daily reminder of their child, especially in the weeks following their passing. A delicate necklace like the J’taime necklace by Urban Outfitters is a great way to keep their memory close. Plus, it’s just a chic accessory.

4) A letter – A written letter is great, but so is a letter hanging for their home, like these from Anthropologie. Buy the first initial of the baby’s name as a subtle memorial. (We have a Z hanging in our house.)

5) (Not pictured) A hug.

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{ 76 comments… read them below or add one }

1 The Revie Family October 29, 2008 at 9:10 am

The girl I visit teach just had a stillbirth on Friday. I don’t know what to do for her. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I love all your tips and will keep them in mind.

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2 Pumpkin Petunia October 29, 2008 at 9:22 am

Sending hugs your way. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Baby Zee so clearly lives on through you.

All of your suggestions ring so true for me. You are so right that people do not know how to react, what to say and do. Your list is perfect. Thank you for sharing it.

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3 Chloe's mom October 29, 2008 at 9:29 am

How wonderful that you are able to see the beauty in such a difficult situation. I loved the honesty & advise in your entry. There is something amazing about the fact that you were able to feel such great purpose and empowerment where many would just feel despair. I bet baby Zee hand picked you. BRAVO to you!

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4 Regan October 29, 2008 at 9:43 am

Thank you for sharing your story and words of advice. We are approaching the one-year anniversary of the stillbirth of our good friends’ baby, and I’m grateful for your perspective.

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5 Smiling Mama October 29, 2008 at 9:44 am

Thank you for your beautiful post. Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for being Zee’s mommy.

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6 scribbler October 29, 2008 at 9:52 am

Such a beautiful story… For five years, I’ve volunteered for the March of Dimes… helping with PR and copy writing skills and participating in March for Babies raising almost $3,000 a year…

As parents, the March of Dimes should be top of mind for all of us, even if we’ve never experienced a NICU..

They are the singular force funding research to help make sure prematurity doesn’t occur and that when it does, doctors and hospitals have the most cutting edge therapies and techniques to help save these babies. If you have been through this sort of heartbreak, please, I urge you to connect your local March of Dimes and become an ambassador family and tell your story… help educate and inspire people to learn more and become involved…. you’ll be glad you did.

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7 Mason and Erika October 29, 2008 at 10:03 am

Thank you for this post. My sister is currently carrying baby Emma – who will, if we are lucky enough, only live a few brief moments on this earth. Your suggestions have given me new ideas on how I can be the support my sister needs me to be. Thank you.

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8 Vanessa October 29, 2008 at 10:13 am

This is such a great post, I often don’t know what TO DO and what NOT to do it is nice to have it spelled out for me :)

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9 Our Green Nest October 29, 2008 at 10:18 am

Thank you for sharing your story and for the tips…I sit here nursing my babe and it makes me appreciate her all the more! Thank you so much. I’m so sorry for what you and your family have have gone/go through. I’m thinking of you.

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10 Julianna October 29, 2008 at 10:28 am

Oh, I wish I could hug you Laura. I love my first baby 8 years ago due to a DNA abnormality and I still remember how hard that first year was. I was 6 months pregnant when we lost her. I remember wanting physical things to validate that she had existed. I wish that someone had given me some advice on how to prepare for her birth. Thanks for all your suggestions. I’m sorry for your loss.

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11 Kim October 29, 2008 at 10:31 am

Beautiful post. My daughter died 5 years ago, she was 8 months old. I don’t care if you lose a baby before or after birth, it is a terrible loss.
I’ve just written a bit about grief on my blog, you might like to read it – http://prairie-mama.blogspot.com/2008/10/thoughts-on-grief.html
May you continue to heal through this very difficult and long process. *hugs*

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12 mrs. r October 29, 2008 at 10:42 am

beautiful.

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13 TJ October 29, 2008 at 10:44 am

i just lost my almost 17 week old this past saturday as he had no heartbeat. i’m in tears as i read your post. i can’t write about what i’m feeling yet. but i was getting on the computer to check out etsy to see if there was a necklace that i could get to remember him. thank you for this post.

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14 Mark and Loralee Carey October 29, 2008 at 10:51 am

I loved your touching story. It is rare that something so personal is shared so generously. You are a special person. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he so honored you with that special spirit. I also love the framed baby footprints. What a treasure.
Loralee

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15 Green {Goody} October 29, 2008 at 11:05 am

Beautifully done. I had a similar experience 6 years ago, though due to anencephaly. This is great advice for the loved ones who indeed are in an awkward situation. People assume you don’t want to talk about it, but I experienced the opposite. Ignoring it seemed to dishonor that precious life. Bravo.

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16 SC October 29, 2008 at 11:06 am

I bought an urn designed for sharing ashes for the baby I miscarried at the end of last year. I have had several miscarriages in the last year and a half and I hate how people sometimes act like your grief isn’t as real.

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17 Kathe in KL October 29, 2008 at 11:10 am

As I sit here with tears down my face and a runny red nose, I remember the loss of my beloved mum 11 years ago. Grieving over a loved one is heart-breaking at best, whether they lived for 49 seconds or 49 years. I’m sending my love into the cosmic void for all the Laura’s, Baby Zee’s and their families out there.

PS – the hints also work well for those coping with non baby-related grieving.

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18 The Fishers October 29, 2008 at 11:14 am

Thank you for your story. I have not experienced a lost, but having a one year old, I can only start to imagine the pain one must feel. I really appreciate your tips. So many wonderful woman around me have lost their little ones and I do not always know what to do.

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19 stephanie October 29, 2008 at 11:23 am

so beautiful, laura.

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20 Amy October 29, 2008 at 11:26 am

A friend and neighbor of mine lost her baby a few weeks ago. We are all so sad, but I am struggling to know what to say/not to say, and especially what to do. Your post is so timely and really helped give me some ideas of how I can show my love and support during her time of need. I’m sorry for your loss. Your readers love you!

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21 sallyavena October 29, 2008 at 11:46 am

I’m remembering the loss of my little boy who died at 20 weeks in utero 2 years ago this week. Your advice here is all good. People are surprised that I can speak about it so frankly and that I still do. I feel like I have to validate his presence here on this earth, even if it was brief. The biggest thing I think is to let people talk about it, if they want to. People brought me dinner and took my other kids, but no one really just gave me a hug and let me talk. It didn’t help that my husband was in the middle of nowhere, Africa at the time and it took a week for him to get back. Once back I was induced, we held him, loved him and cried. The memory is still very clear and part of me still wishes others would remember that day 2 years ago as well. So I would add to your list, if you are close to someone who has gone through this: remember the anniversary/birthday, if you will, with a card or just a quick phone call. I think it makes a difference.

tj-I’m sorry for your loss and if I knew you I’d give you a hug

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22 Colleen October 29, 2008 at 11:52 am

Just beautiful. Thank you for having the compassion for others to share this kind of advice. And for telling your story. Adding you to my baby prayers…

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23 PORTER FAMILY October 29, 2008 at 12:06 pm

wow! your story is very similar to my own. our daughter was stillborn on february 7th of this year at 19weeks along. and i experienced many of the same things you did. some really great things have come out of the experience, even though some people were terrible at being sweet and considerate. anyway, i enjoyed reading your story. thanks for sharing.

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24 lizzy October 29, 2008 at 12:09 pm

I have felt like a royal idiot on several occasions from not knowing the “right thing” to say or do in situations similar to yours. My mother-in-law delivered 10(ish) still born babies all in her 3rd trimester before having her first child. After 30-something years, I still don’t know how to talk to her about it (and I want to), since it’s still painful for her. I believe she’s one that you mentioned “it takes a lifetime”. Thank you for teaching us about the best way to communicate and show our love for those coping with this kind of pain.

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25 JennyW October 29, 2008 at 12:46 pm

Thank you—a good friend had a similar situation several months ago and I have been wanting to do something more to show her I’m still thinking about her and her loss.

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26 motherbumper October 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm

The timing of this post is cosmic. I usually come to sigh at Gabrielle’s beauty (which this post has) but this time I’m walking away with something else: knowledge. A friend is going through this difficult time right now and I had no idea what to do, and no one to ask. She is so fragile and I’m so afraid to misstep – but your words give me the confidence to speak, reach out, and support. Thank you.

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27 cartoongoddess October 29, 2008 at 1:05 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Hugs and strength to you.

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28 april kennedy October 29, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I had a child born with a disability and just recently posted a “girlfriends” post. I, too, hated hearing that the reason we were sent him was because we were strong and could handle it. I believe that statement to be true, but it was not comforting at the time. We weren’t always strong…and that comment made us feel like we were failing at times.

Your “do’s and don’ts” are perfect. I have been wanting to do something for the hospital that Blake was born at…something to help parents who are going through difficult times right after a delivery…I think my husband and I will make a few pretty boxes to deliver to them to give to families who will need them. Thank you for that idea. We are also working on baskets for families whose babies are transported immediately to another hospital, like ours was.

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29 Kiasa October 29, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Thank you! A friend had a still birth about six weeks ago. I didn’t know what to do…hugs and listening. I had a miscarriage recently (that she had not known about) and we really bonded over it all. Very touching.

Thank you for your advice and suggestions and sharing a piece of your heart.

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30 chiara October 29, 2008 at 1:17 pm

My heart goes out to you and the loss you are feeling. I always think of this one quote, I’m probabaly messing it up, but it’s something like this: “God gives life, and takes life away. and what He takes away is so very painful because what He gives is so very good.” Thank you for sharing your beautiful Zee with everyone.

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31 Bethany October 29, 2008 at 1:23 pm

Well this post has come to me at the perfect time. Thank you for writing it. I am carrying my 4th son who has anencephaly and will not make it. I really enjoy the list of gift ideas as I probably want to be sure to get each of them for myself! :) I’m sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for sharing.

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32 Karin from Omaha October 29, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost a baby boy at 23 weeks to early onset pre-eclampsia due to an undiagnosed clotting disorder. His birthday is coming up next week so reading your story was hard but very comforting. He would have been an 8-year-old this year. Every year the grief gets a little softer but you never forget.

I too have a “treasure box” full of Elliot’s keepsakes. I write him a letter every year and put it in the box. I enjoy reading them every year seeing how far I’ve come and how our family has changed.

I’ve since gone on to have a daughter. Because of him I was able to carry her and bring her into the world. She’s learning about her older brother and what he means to us.

Thanks again and thanks for letting me share!

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33 janis October 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm

I only found this blog recently so I missed your intro, but I could not read and not respond. I have a stillbirth myself 15 months ago. It still aches. I love the momentos you have, as well as the great advice. And I am so glad your piece appears on this blog. Death is often so awkward to deal with, people do not know what to do.
I would also like to share a link to a group blog for bereaved mamas that I am also on, and we have a section of useful info. One link tells of how to stop lactation when there is no baby… and the other, how to help a friend through babyloss:
http://glowinthewoods.squarespace.com/how-to-help-a-friend/

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34 Kimberly October 29, 2008 at 1:50 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a friend who had a miscarriage several years ago. It broke my heart watching people dance around the loss, afraid to talk about the child that would be forever missed by their parents and close family and friends.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are so brave for how you’ve handled this tragedy and for how you’ve shared it with us. I’ll remember you and your family in my prayers. Take care.

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35 Teresa October 29, 2008 at 1:57 pm

I do not know the grief of losing a child, but I do know what it’s like to watch a parent die. I was in the room, next to my dying father three years ago, when he passed. That experience changed my life. If someone I know is going through grief and loss, I learned that it is important to act, even if anonymously. Just knowing that “someone” cared and was thinking of me gave me comfort. I learned that some, most likely those who have never gone through such loss, just don’t know what to do, so they do nothing. I’m saying do something. Leave a basket of fresh fruit on their doorstep. Write a note and drop it in the mail if it’s difficult to express yourself in person.
Lastly, my loss also taught me empathy. And what a beautiful gift to be able to share with others who have lost. Thank YOU for sharing your gift.

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36 Autumn October 29, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Thank you for this post! I enjoyed every word. I was just about to ask a friend whose father died when she was a teenager what is preferred to say when one finds out that they have such a big loss. I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing. Not saying enough. Saying too much. I am so touched to know that you chose to have Zee, even knowing that there would be hardships. What a relief to know that some value life like this!! She has such beautiful feet, what a great keepsake.

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37 A October 29, 2008 at 2:36 pm

Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I am always appreciative of anyone who tries to put the word out there about how to relate to someone dealing with grief. Two and a half years ago, within the space of less than 5 months, my 11-month-old nephew (my husband’s sister’s son) died, my little brother, age 22, died, and my grandmother, with whom I was very close, also died. I have a lot of first-hand experience with the awkwardness people feel around those who are grieving. It means a lot to me when people try to learn how to relate to me instead of ignoring my grief.

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38 Leslie October 29, 2008 at 2:38 pm

oh baby zee, i think all of us who read your blog have a special spot in our hearts for her. you make her seem so real to all of us, even now. and you, you’re amazing!

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39 Mary October 29, 2008 at 3:02 pm

As Zee’s grandma, I wear also wear her name on a necklace with the names of my other two grandchildren. When people ask about my grandchildren, I generally don’t go into the details about Zee. But when they ask about the necklace … I do.

And that is always a very proud moment.

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40 Mandy October 29, 2008 at 3:07 pm

You are such an amazing person. What you wrote is so beautiful and yet so painful. My heart aches for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

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41 Holly Dart October 29, 2008 at 3:23 pm

thank you.

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42 Nicholle October 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm

Thank you for sharing your story and words of advice. My sister in law just lost her baby last month to anecephaly. She too new early on in her pregnancy that the baby would not live very long after birth if he made it through the birthing process. She carried him full term and he lived for 2 hours and 17 precious minutes! She cherishes those moments and loves to talk about him and we all love to listen. She too said that some people avoid talking to her about it. She has started making gorgeous jewelry to help her with her greiving. princessbeads.blogspot.com
Thanks for sharing your story, we’ll be sure to remember baby Zee!

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43 insurtipsonline.com March 7, 2014 at 7:11 am

So much info in so few words. Tolstoy could learn a lot.

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44 Kiersten October 29, 2008 at 4:31 pm

Thank You! I think daily what my little baby Mae would be doing right now if I could only have her with me. I don’t think anyone will ever fully recover from a loss a piece of your heart has been sent anyway with that little angel.

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45 Andrea October 29, 2008 at 5:00 pm

Just this morning I was doing some extensive snooping to find out more about your baby Zee (after finding your blog a few days ago – love it), and came across a post that said something about how you would write what you felt, whether happy or sad. I loved that. I am a huge advocate of not only sharing the beauty of life, but telling the truth. And sometimes the truth is not all kisses and candy, but it deserves a voice. True stories about real women are much more inspiring to me than trumped-up exaggerations of beauty, grace and perfection.

Thanks for the candor and inspiration!

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46 jmlt October 29, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Thank you for your post. I wish I could hand out your do’s and don’ts list to people. I gave birth to an angel baby in September, I was 32 weeks along and she had complications so it wasn’t 100% unexpected. Still, the loss was great, we hoped for a miracle and some people said things that made me wonder. It is comforting to know that on this road that I now walk I am not alone.

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47 jora October 29, 2008 at 5:24 pm

Thank you so much for this post. Although I was sobbing out loud as I read it, I am so happy to have this information. I have 2 dear friends who recently miscarried and another friend who lost her one month old in August. I never know what to say and if anything even helps. I will definitely use your ideas….

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48 jenny October 29, 2008 at 5:26 pm

You are an amazing woman. Thanks for sharing. I am well acquainted with death. I lost my father to cancer and 2 brothers to an undiagnosed heart condition when they were in their early 20′s. Your suggestions are so inspired. It’s beautiful to see that you are celebrating her life and she lives on in you. Zee has touched my soul today (as I write this with tears running down my cheeks). Thank you for sharing her with us.

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49 michelle October 29, 2008 at 5:38 pm

What a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss Laura.

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50 Mrs. Priss October 29, 2008 at 5:55 pm

Thank you for this… you seem very strong after everything you’ve been through, and that’s incredibly inspiring. The tips you posted are great.

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51 Beth October 29, 2008 at 6:10 pm

This is a beautiful post. I am so moved. Thank you for writing this.

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52 Mariah October 29, 2008 at 6:26 pm

What a heartfelt and beautiful post….and so timely. I just had lunch today with a friend who lost one of her 18 month old twins in July. I loved your suggestions. Thank you for sharing.

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53 Kelly C. October 29, 2008 at 6:55 pm

Thank you. Just imagine how much goodness will come from your straightforward and loving post; you are helping many people. I miscarried two days ago and am struggling with the waves of grief. I appreciate how open you are about the loss of your sweet Baby Zee.

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54 acte gratuit October 29, 2008 at 7:36 pm

I love you Laura! And E and Baby Z! I’m proud to be related to you!!! Great post, as usual!!! Keep up the good work!

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55 Chloe October 29, 2008 at 7:36 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. You have written about it so elaquently but I know it still pains you very much and for that I am so sorry. We lost a pregnancy at 12 1/2 weeks and there are only a handful of people I can really talk to about it because not many people understand…or it makes them uncomfortable. Thank you for this beautiful post – wonderful suggestions.

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56 Kate October 29, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Thank you for this. Our good friends had a full term stillborn last weekend, and while we grieve with them, its difficult to know what to do other than say “i love you and i’m so sorry.” Best wishes.

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57 abigail @ Piece of Cake October 29, 2008 at 9:16 pm

thank you. thank you.

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58 Aimee Stephens Bonham October 29, 2008 at 9:48 pm

Laura is such a wonderful person! I read through the whole article and didn’t notice who had written it until I was about to leave the site. I recently moved to UT and prior to that was in the same congregation in IL as Laura. She is amazing and was really strong through everything. I am so glad that she shared her story with others and showed how we could support others in similar situations.

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59 Princess Beads October 29, 2008 at 10:10 pm

It has been five weeks since my baby passed away. He was 38 weeks and lived for 2 hrs and 17 mins. after he was born. I completely related to your experience. One thing that has been very helpful to me is the little things that people have done. Sending a card, dropping off cookies, telling me they were praying for me. Before this I never knew how much the little things help. I made a matching braclet for both me and my baby. Actually I have found some therapy in making jewelry as I have been recovering. http://princessbeads.blogspot.com/

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60 lauritsenfamily October 29, 2008 at 10:28 pm

Thank you for sharing with us. I send lots of warm hugs and thoughts your way (even though I don’t know you!!) Our son, who is two now, arrived 10 weeks premature. Each parent has their own mission here on earth I believe – and I’m so glad you were able to share your story with the world! thank you :) hugs-

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61 Heather October 29, 2008 at 11:31 pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this wonderful, beautiful post. As someone who has lost several little ones to miscarriage, everything you wrote resonates with me. Thank you for drawing attention to this and helping so many people who haven’t experienced it know how to be supportive and helpful. Thanks for sharing baby Zee’s story – she’s touched so many people through your telling it.

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62 Paige October 30, 2008 at 1:07 am

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us, this blogging family. I appreciate your caring wisdom. I wish you peace.

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63 cowgirl in wellies October 30, 2008 at 3:16 am

A hug comes from me too. I have lost a baby and had a 25 week survivor. Our baby that left this earth was only 12 weeks along but I still think of them often.

My little survivor was only given a 5% chance of survival when he was born. We were in intensive care for months and saw so many families suffer the loss of their little ones just after birth and a woman I became close to while we were both waiting for our ill babies to be born lost her baby a week after mine was born. One friend I was in intensive care with lost her little girl after 3 months. It is such a sad time and I agree that lots of hugs are required to get through that terrible time. Thank you for sharing your story.

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64 mamafrog October 30, 2008 at 7:22 am

laura, that post is so beautifully written. thank you for having the strength to write it. this weekend marks the 2nd year anniversary of my loss. my first son was lost at 20 weeks to HLHS. although, i now have a healthy beautiful baby boy, no one will ever replace my first baby.
thank you
s

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65 mary October 30, 2008 at 7:38 am

Before seeing this post, I searched your blog to find out about Zee. Your posts gave me a good, hearty cry (I can identify with you on this, to some extent…) I am in awe of and inspired by your strength.

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66 Salem October 30, 2008 at 9:06 am

Wow. Thank you so much for your words…your comfort. After having a molar pregnancy myself (darn those blood draws every week!!!), followed by 2 miscarriages, I still feel grateful. I cannot imagine having to go through what you did, but it helps so many people for you to talk about it. Your writing is so eloquent and is solace for women needing a little something to boost their spirits and give them courage to “make it” through the rough days of remembering.

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67 Alivia's Momma October 30, 2008 at 11:07 am

Thank you so much for sharing your story and the helpful hints how to help a friend through a tragedy. I lost my 2 year old to cancer last summer and often thought of writing a book of all the things you shouldn’t do (because I experienced them all). I just never knew how to say it without offending everyone. You did a wonderful job. God bless you in this time of mourning. I find for me the more I talk about my daughter the closer she is to me. I never want to forget a second. Thnaks again.

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68 sheila October 30, 2008 at 10:30 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t help but feel sad, but I am also so impressed with your strength and ability to maintain perspective. You are a remarkable,impressive woman.

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69 MielleDesigns October 30, 2008 at 11:08 pm

Wow…thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I feel like I came to your blog for a specific purpose and that feeling is quite overwhelming. I recently lost 2 people and have felt so very lost about what to do. Your advice on helpful tips was right on time so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You are truly a blessing…I hope you know that.

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70 Tara Jane October 31, 2008 at 4:09 pm

Sending a virtual hug through my real tears. I can tell you are a very special person and Baby Zee is lucky to have you for her Mother. Thank you for sharing your story and advise.

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71 Cathe Holden October 31, 2008 at 6:25 pm

This is a blessed post. Thank you for sharing your story. I shared mine in August, also suggesting ways to help someone suffering the loss of a child.

http://justsomethingimade.blogspot.com/2008/08/when-hello-means-goodbye.html

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72 Angela November 3, 2008 at 6:48 pm

I am catching up on my Design Mom, and read this beautiful post. Thank you to Mrs. Dub for sharing this. As a mom who has lost an infant, I can relate to everything you said, word for word. I loved your advice to people who don’t know what to do or say. Until I went through it, I was in that category. There is never an exact right thing to say or do, but just being there and loving them is the best way to start.

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73 Monique November 6, 2008 at 5:55 pm

I truly admire your strength. Thank you for sharing your experience and the memory of your baby girl with us.

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74 Becky November 8, 2008 at 9:14 pm

Dear Laura, I read this post last week and today I spoke with a friend whose boss’ 12-year-old son is near the end. My friend was feeling distraught and didn’t know what to do so I recalled your post and sent her the link, she said that it helped. I just want to thank you for sharing and to let you know that you are helping others. Hugs to you.

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75 Jenn November 12, 2008 at 4:10 pm

Great post!!

A couple other suggestions I have would be to: 1) mark that baby’s birthdate on your calendar and send a “Thinking of you” card to the mom on that special day. People forget, but mom’s never do. It meant a lot to me that some in my family remembered my son’s birthday even though he is no longer here. It was a very hard day for me. 2) Help the mom make that baby’s baby book if she has one or wants one. My mother-in-law helped me finish scrapbooking my son’s baby book with all his little pictures and it was such a bonding experience for us. I am so grateful for her help. 3) And for immediately after birth, take some food to the family, just as you would if they had a newborn in the house. A grieving parent is not thinking of dinners or nutrition, so arrange a nutritious meal for them. It will be appreciated more than you (and them) will every know.

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76 Susan August 6, 2009 at 4:27 pm

I just came across your blog while googling for birthday party ideas for my daughter..? Anyway I read your post about your precious Zee. I too had a partial molar pregnancy In January 2007. I went in for my check up at 11 weeks which they couold not find a heartbeat and determined I had a miscarriage. After dealing with the miscarraige and deciding we would try again after the D&C. That was when they determined the partial molar pregnancy which I had no clue what it was or have ever heard of it. Then we were told not to try again and monitor my HCG level monthly for at least 6- 9 months. That was hard. And until now have not heard of anyone else with the same condition. So thank you for sharing your story, it is very touching.

I am happy to say that as soon as we had the "ok" 9months later, we got pregnant with my son Caden who is now 14 months old!

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